Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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How do you handle people grabbing you without asking? (self.Blind)
submitted 8y ago by geoffisblind
Hi,
So I have been having an ongoing problem for the past 7 months since I started using a white cane. I am a frequent traveler on public transit which includes both bus and above ground light rail. I also travel in some not so great parts of town on my normal routes. This has made itself once since I started. I was followed home by a random guy on the bus and had a hard time getting him to leave me alone and I sort of panicked when he got physical. Police reports were filed but he was never caught, this isn't uncommon in my neighborhood so I've just been rolling with it.
What that did though was make me extremely paranoid about people in public, especially on public transit.
The reason why I'm posting now is because since using the cane people have been grabbing me, without asking, I presume to try to be helpful. Most recently was yesterday where I didn't have enough functional eyesight (I'm partially blind with some restricted albeit usable central vision) to properly see where I was going exactly but I was managing well and I was confident with my cane skills. I heard one of the doors open on the train and I started moving towards it and out of nowhere a man grabbed my cane arm and dragged me to another door. (I'll add that I like to be in the front of the train at a specific door so I know exactly where I am when I get to my destination station platform.) I was irritated that he had messed up my orientation, but more than that when he actually grabbed me I became very anxious. I sort of thought back to a few months ago and I almost shoved him off me, I think my brain was going too fast to think to do that. I don't like people touching me in public, and I especially don't like it if they don't even bother to ask. I don't mind receiving help, but I want to agree to the help and have the right to refuse it if I don't want it.
Is this just a thing that happens where I am located? This happens a lot to me when I'm crossing roads and navigating public transit and I always get really freaked out when it happens but I've never said anything about it to the people doing it. If it does happen to you does it bother you as much as it seems to bother me? I'm trying to figure out if I'm just insane and/ or hyper-paranoid or if my frustrations/ anxiety about this is something that other people deal with.
I appreciate it.
So I have been having an ongoing problem for the past 7 months since I started using a white cane. I am a frequent traveler on public transit which includes both bus and above ground light rail. I also travel in some not so great parts of town on my normal routes. This has made itself once since I started. I was followed home by a random guy on the bus and had a hard time getting him to leave me alone and I sort of panicked when he got physical. Police reports were filed but he was never caught, this isn't uncommon in my neighborhood so I've just been rolling with it.
What that did though was make me extremely paranoid about people in public, especially on public transit.
The reason why I'm posting now is because since using the cane people have been grabbing me, without asking, I presume to try to be helpful. Most recently was yesterday where I didn't have enough functional eyesight (I'm partially blind with some restricted albeit usable central vision) to properly see where I was going exactly but I was managing well and I was confident with my cane skills. I heard one of the doors open on the train and I started moving towards it and out of nowhere a man grabbed my cane arm and dragged me to another door. (I'll add that I like to be in the front of the train at a specific door so I know exactly where I am when I get to my destination station platform.) I was irritated that he had messed up my orientation, but more than that when he actually grabbed me I became very anxious. I sort of thought back to a few months ago and I almost shoved him off me, I think my brain was going too fast to think to do that. I don't like people touching me in public, and I especially don't like it if they don't even bother to ask. I don't mind receiving help, but I want to agree to the help and have the right to refuse it if I don't want it.
Is this just a thing that happens where I am located? This happens a lot to me when I'm crossing roads and navigating public transit and I always get really freaked out when it happens but I've never said anything about it to the people doing it. If it does happen to you does it bother you as much as it seems to bother me? I'm trying to figure out if I'm just insane and/ or hyper-paranoid or if my frustrations/ anxiety about this is something that other people deal with.
I appreciate it.
Unuhi 3 points
That's the reason I dread using it.
On daytime, I can see enough to figure where I am or how to cross some roads or run my usual loop. Nighttime not a chance: no clue about any distance or speed or detail - so being out alone in dark makes me very nervous.
I can find some bus stops - if I can figure where I am and I've been there befor... Usually.
But living in a big city, and being female - I really dread looking weak. So it's there, uselessly in the purse - while I try to figure where I am...
Some more training and comfidemce woild do miracles. As would a dog.
On daytime, I can see enough to figure where I am or how to cross some roads or run my usual loop. Nighttime not a chance: no clue about any distance or speed or detail - so being out alone in dark makes me very nervous.
I can find some bus stops - if I can figure where I am and I've been there befor... Usually.
But living in a big city, and being female - I really dread looking weak. So it's there, uselessly in the purse - while I try to figure where I am...
Some more training and comfidemce woild do miracles. As would a dog.
geoffisblind [OP] 2 points
That's my primary concern, the cane gives me a lot of confidence but I feel like it makes me a target especially in areas with lots of less than reputable people. It already did, I didn't have issues before. I don't think it makes me look weak so much as it advertises a vulnerability that I have. It's not always a bad thing, I like that drivers know that I may not be able to see them and the general public gives me more space so I'm less likely to run into people, but for people who have less than good intentions it is a sign that they have a vulnerability they can exploit... That's my perception at least.
Unuhi 1 points
That's why I hope to get some good cane training. I can't just go out and start to play with it in my neighborhood (except maybe at night?). I don't generally want to advertise too much about my eyes.
A black cane with some reflectors would be more comfortable. Because it would function the same for its functionality, except it would look less ... the obvious.
I am gaining confidence in some things though.
Have a shower, just moisturizer on face and lip balm, and dress in bold clothes. As in "water and soap face", "straight out of shower", "did you dress up in dark?" When I know I'm meeting friends in safe locations (and don't need to worry about details).
And then asking about the daily specials, and letting other people suggest stuff (in some places people are pretty good in picking up the open cues that I don't see what they look like for instance).
A black cane with some reflectors would be more comfortable. Because it would function the same for its functionality, except it would look less ... the obvious.
I am gaining confidence in some things though.
Have a shower, just moisturizer on face and lip balm, and dress in bold clothes. As in "water and soap face", "straight out of shower", "did you dress up in dark?" When I know I'm meeting friends in safe locations (and don't need to worry about details).
And then asking about the daily specials, and letting other people suggest stuff (in some places people are pretty good in picking up the open cues that I don't see what they look like for instance).
geoffisblind [OP] 2 points
I've thought about getting a different color cane (like black) in the past to make it not so obvious. However in my area at least I've been warned to stick with the white cane because drivers are not careful and having something that stands out is really important. This is the sort of place where the drivers I know can't even trust people to abide by the stop lights and our crosswalk lights and other infrastructure is not up to where it should be, it's a bad mix and it's one of the reasons why I'm looking to move to a new area soon. It's a tough situation, I wouldn't leave the house without a cane in my hand at this point but the public is very difficult to deal with. Bad people may see it as an opportunity, and well meaning individuals tend to make inappropriate advances and contact without asking which is both startling and harmful to my orientation. In the moment I have a hard time determining who is good and who is bad, it's something I'm personally going to have to work on, all part of the experience I guess :)
Unuhi 1 points
Sigh.
I like where I live. Feels safe, I can walk and run (gasp.. In bright daylight) around. But I can't get a bus alone, I can't cross any of the big roads - and it's very difficult in the small things in life right now.
Like: trying to talk to your neighbors (I find it easiest to say hi to all dogs with their owners in my area. As all that I need is to feel safe around the dog, and then can ask what kind of puppy he is etc).
And other "little things" - using a phone indoors/outdoors (I have an iPhone), watching TV (let's just say I've given up with the remote. TV = apps on iPhone or iPad). Cleaning home. Figuring out what to wear that is pretty, clean, appropriate for style and occasion, will work for weather (cold makes me ache), does not make me look like an easy target etc.
I hate some buses here - no announcements, no clue where it goes... Or when it comes because I don't want to use an app to find out, and it is very loud in this city so it's difficult to find out when/which bus it is. Just feels uncomfortable. So I have to change to express line if I take the other bus...
Tuesday I went downtown. Had a meeting in a place I've been before. I knew the address and was looking for something I could recognize. 2 minute walk (husband dropped me off, so I had to figure from a new location) took 30 minutes. It was very dark, no sun to help orientate, and it was cold so I was freezing. Very uncomfortable to walk around busy areas when the survival instincts kick in (where am I? Are those blur people safe? Which way am I going? Let's walk until I can find a landmark that works for me... Fine, 5 minutes and I'll ask someone, or think about actually whipping out the cane).
I am comfortable to very uncomfortable and unsafe degrees of vision problems. I really need to get some proper cane comfidence and o&m training. I'm relying as much as I can on all other senses, but it'll make a world of difference to get some training and confidence.
I like where I live. Feels safe, I can walk and run (gasp.. In bright daylight) around. But I can't get a bus alone, I can't cross any of the big roads - and it's very difficult in the small things in life right now.
Like: trying to talk to your neighbors (I find it easiest to say hi to all dogs with their owners in my area. As all that I need is to feel safe around the dog, and then can ask what kind of puppy he is etc).
And other "little things" - using a phone indoors/outdoors (I have an iPhone), watching TV (let's just say I've given up with the remote. TV = apps on iPhone or iPad). Cleaning home. Figuring out what to wear that is pretty, clean, appropriate for style and occasion, will work for weather (cold makes me ache), does not make me look like an easy target etc.
I hate some buses here - no announcements, no clue where it goes... Or when it comes because I don't want to use an app to find out, and it is very loud in this city so it's difficult to find out when/which bus it is. Just feels uncomfortable. So I have to change to express line if I take the other bus...
Tuesday I went downtown. Had a meeting in a place I've been before. I knew the address and was looking for something I could recognize. 2 minute walk (husband dropped me off, so I had to figure from a new location) took 30 minutes. It was very dark, no sun to help orientate, and it was cold so I was freezing. Very uncomfortable to walk around busy areas when the survival instincts kick in (where am I? Are those blur people safe? Which way am I going? Let's walk until I can find a landmark that works for me... Fine, 5 minutes and I'll ask someone, or think about actually whipping out the cane).
I am comfortable to very uncomfortable and unsafe degrees of vision problems. I really need to get some proper cane comfidence and o&m training. I'm relying as much as I can on all other senses, but it'll make a world of difference to get some training and confidence.
modulus 3 points
Honestly, I don't deal with it very well. It's happened to me a number of times, sometimes by people who should know better (acquaintances of mine, people in school) and it is very disturbing. I've sometimes reacted quite harshly wriggling out or pushing my elbow against the grabber, which I acknowledge is not the most graceful way to deal but it is unexpected and it feels like an attack.
You have the right to be in control of your own body and not to be grabbed and pushed around like an object without your consent. If you're worried that you're too sensitive about it, no; a sighted person wouldn't react well if they got grabbed and randomly shoved around either.
That said, if you can just raise the issue rather than reacting physically it will probably be sufficient and a better way to do it. I've told people very quickly "look, I know where I am but if you moved me I won't know anymore". It usually works.
You have the right to be in control of your own body and not to be grabbed and pushed around like an object without your consent. If you're worried that you're too sensitive about it, no; a sighted person wouldn't react well if they got grabbed and randomly shoved around either.
That said, if you can just raise the issue rather than reacting physically it will probably be sufficient and a better way to do it. I've told people very quickly "look, I know where I am but if you moved me I won't know anymore". It usually works.
geoffisblind [OP] 2 points
That makes a lot of sense, I haven't reacted at all yet, I was kind of just curious to see what other people thought about it. I think next time I'll pull away and say something. The problem for me especially with the train is I have roughly ten to fifteen seconds from the time the doors open to get in (They operate on a very tight schedule) which means that I don't have a whole lot of time to explain why they need to back off and give me space to do my thing. So in the case of yesterday I didn't really have time to tell him to leave me alone. I'll think of something I can quickly say and I'll just pull away next time because it really messed up my orientation when I got to the platform. I can't have my system messed with on a regular basis.
I do like the point you made about how no fully sighted person would be okay with being randomly grabbed... I was having a hard time explaining why it bothered me so much to some friends, I'll mention that next time.
I do like the point you made about how no fully sighted person would be okay with being randomly grabbed... I was having a hard time explaining why it bothered me so much to some friends, I'll mention that next time.
Slatters-AU 1 points
+1 for get a Guide Dog.
People still sometimes grab my upper arm and offer to help me but I just tell hem my dog will find it. I've had a woman ... errr assist me with sitting down as well. I was turning around and she grabbed my hips to 'assist me'. Very awkward. As a 33 yo man there is a certain type of 30-50 yo woman, the very motherly nurturing personality who is always trying to help. Sometimes they are a little too physical or insistent and I suspect this is because they have kids. (For the record I'm 33 man and have 4 kids of my own).
If someone grabs you, the best thing to do in my experience is to stand still and say very loudly that you are OK but thanks for offering. Don't let someone jeopardize your safety for the sake of trying to be polite.
People still sometimes grab my upper arm and offer to help me but I just tell hem my dog will find it. I've had a woman ... errr assist me with sitting down as well. I was turning around and she grabbed my hips to 'assist me'. Very awkward. As a 33 yo man there is a certain type of 30-50 yo woman, the very motherly nurturing personality who is always trying to help. Sometimes they are a little too physical or insistent and I suspect this is because they have kids. (For the record I'm 33 man and have 4 kids of my own).
If someone grabs you, the best thing to do in my experience is to stand still and say very loudly that you are OK but thanks for offering. Don't let someone jeopardize your safety for the sake of trying to be polite.
redstone1337 1 points
I feel you. I once had a girl (I assume college age) grab my hips, conga line style, to "steer" me to the end of a line after I asked where the line ended. How can anyone think that's OK. I've also had someone slide their arm under my elbow, square dance style, with literally no warning. I had no idea she was there.
If you get a guide dog, people will stop touching you. Many will be terrified of the dog. At least that's been my experience.
If you get a guide dog, people will stop touching you. Many will be terrified of the dog. At least that's been my experience.
geoffisblind [OP] 1 points
My O&M guy has been strongly encouraging me to look into a dog. I've applied to a few schools and I have received positive responses from them. They are sending consultants to shadow me and make sure I would be a good fit. I'm still not sure if it's a lifestyle change I am ready to make. I'm trying to get lots of opinions so I fully understand the pros and cons, I try not to rush into anything. He did say that dogs tend to get the public to leave you alone more (he brought it up when I spoke with him about my concerns with people grabbing me). We'll see how it goes.
Slatters-AU 1 points
I put off getting a dog for 10 years. I was happy using cane occasionally and just doing it my way. Lost more vision and on my first dog now. Best choice I ever made. Changed my life. Had no idea how stressed and anxious I was outside and how much I avoided doing things till I got used to having him daily. Can't recommend it enough. And yeah the general public are so much better now. People notice and understand a Dog instnatly. A lot of people don't notice a cane (I don't understand how, they just don't.) Especially if you are standing still in a line or at a counter.
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