Amonwilde 2 points 6y ago
I hear you. But perfect is the enemy of the good. You say you can't use the keyboards you want to use, but what does that even mean? You can't use them, so they might as well not exist for you. Just use keyboards you can use, which exist, and which, I'm sure, are fine. Or buy a drum.
I'm glad (in the context of this conversation, obviously) to hear that you've only been blind for three years. As time goes on, you start to forget what you're missing out on. I haven't read a book for so long, for example, that I've stopped thinking of books as things that can be read. Obviously, intellectually, I know that they're for reading, but my former feelings about them, and the impulse to pick one up and read, are gone. This sounds sad, but it's actually great. Seeing books around and not being able to read them used to make me sad, but I just don't have those associations anymore.
Your comment hit home for me because I'm also a programmer, and I also like music. There's no reason for you not to program, and there's even less reason for you not to play music. There are probably other reasons you feel the way you feel--maybe you feel abandoned by people who valued you more when you had sight, or you have embarrassment or bad associations with being blind and doing things the blind way. You haven't been blind that long, and your feelings will change over time. But I ask you to be open to the idea that your thoughts on your own situation will change, that your capabilities will expand, and that you'll recapture some of the enjoyment you felt before. Try to do a little forgetting--forget how you used to code or play, embrace the shittiness of your new workflows and try to enjoy being the crappy coder and musician you currently are. You might be surprised how good that crappy coder becomes after a few years.