Social anxiety and making friends: blind edition(self.Blind)
submitted by stormsong19
okay. nuts and bolts person interaction time. One of the early "you are an interesting human" signals we have are compliments. For most people, this understandably often happens as I like your shirt or that haircut is awesome or whatever. For totals, we pretty much have I like your scent or voice, both of which seem much more forward than the previous examples. Whether they actually are or they're just more uncommon I don't know.
so the question is how do you start a positive interaction with someone out in real land space that doesn't read as inherently flirty and also sounds genuine? For those who have Irah or similar devices, do you or would you ask the assistant to keep an eye out for people wearing clothing indicating shared pop culture interests? Do you or have you bought such clothing yourself to signal potential interests to people at social events?
Some of the suggestions I've seen in regular discussions of social anxiety include looking for other wallflowers, finding people who have similar interests, or just smiling and making eye contact. To various degrees, these are suggestions VI's would likely have problems with. How do you compensate?
Its also sadly true that many VI people have fairly niche interests, and are often times overly formal. Any suggestions for combatting this or practicing smalltalk in general?
Finally, social question: hard mode. I'm not sure if other VI people have this issue, but loud places like bars are often almost akin to sensory deprivation as, at least for me, its hard to single out any particular person in that throng, let alone find common interests. But realistically, its not like people meet other people in libraries, or all that necessary for techy blind folks to go to libraries anymore anyway. Any tips for meeting people in common but loud places?
modulus3 points5y ago
Classes are often a good environment too, since people usually have to get to know each other and are primed to being more forward and introducing themselves. Sometimes depending on the nature of the class there may be activities to make this happen at the beginning of courses, or the class content may require people to talk to each other about themselves (a common one for this is language classes). Also, in that environment everyone is likely to judge less and be forgiving of mistakes since people are still learning.
Open air concerts and queueing for concert or play tickets is another possibility. Maybe less common now that many buy their tickets online though.
Bars, clubs, and places like this, as a completely blind person, are completely worthless for me. The only exception is if I'm going with a close friend or partner and we like dancing together (not my case), or something like that.
Amonwilde3 points5y ago
A possibility is to just go ahead and be more forward. I've seen VI people do well just being gregarious and trying to compensate that way, joking around and extracting the maximum amount of information through conversation. The more you're quiet, the more you get cut off from what's going on around you. It's kind of a feedback loop. The worst thing that can happen is that they think you're weird, which, as a VI person, you kind of already are. But you might need to have a certain personal style to pull that off.
Meeting people in bars and clubs is kind of overrated anyway, but I've found them to be good places to strengthen existing relationships. Again, it's another case of "having friends helps you to have friends" that's even more pronounced for VI folks.
Not sure what your personal situation is, but my best advice is to join structured activities, like clubs, teams, and games. The structure can make it easier to keep track of who's there and what's going on. A team would be best, but for VI there might be a limited selection...crew and dragon boat, perhaps, or weightlifting. Stuff like improv or a band might work, depending on your bent. Or you can get involved with a cause and volunteer. But in general these things make more sense for meeting new people when you have a vision impairment than trying for serendipity, which doesn't really work that consistently even for sighted folks who can, as you say, spot little details that lead to a connection.
preiman7901 points5y ago
I wish I had answers for you, meeting people in real space has always been very difficult for me, be it trying to meet blind or cited people. If I'm being honest, it's something I struggle with even online. If I can get a conversation I can talk to somebody about anything but it's that first step I've just never really been able to figure out.
FloralKitten971 points5y ago
I'm female and I just started uni at the beginning of the year. This is something I'm struggling with greatly. There's no groups at my uni that are to my liking. I joined an anime group but left because I can't read subtitles, the people were kinda... awkward (not that it's bad, but they never asked for my name or anything). I also joined a psychology group but that was disbanded and sent to the campus that's really far due to lack of members.
I joined a volunteer group but have yet to meet anyone. Classes are good. I'm pretty social in tutorials but I can't approach anyone on campus. Usually those who say hi are older. I don't care much about what's on trend like Ed Sheeran or Game of Thrones, either, and small talk is just annoying.
I'm scared that I scare others off. I look unfriendly because I have darkness around my eye due to eye drops, make up doesn't do much either.
I'd try MeetUp groups but it makes me scared I won't be able to recognise anyone.
stormsong19 [OP]1 points5y ago
If I might ask, what interests do you have? Game of thrones is really popular, but it is good in spite of that.
I'm not sure if it helps, but iOS 11 will have a way to access subtitles in streaming apps like netflix and amazon. Its not perfect, but I hope it helps.
Good luck with the rest of your semester.
FloralKitten971 points5y ago
That's handy! Unfortunately GOT isn't on any streaming service and we don't have the cable company that it's on. I don't like sex scenes so I noped out on the first episode. I mainly like writing, music (rock and power/symphonic metal, but I haven't found anyone who likes that based off dress), etc. Slowly gaining interest in gaming again. There's no drama clubs or anything creative at my uni. Mainly sports (can't do any), international or Christian clubs (I don't even go to a Christian uni but there's like 5)
stormsong19 [OP]1 points5y ago
oh. I am a huge fan of symphonic and power metal. I've noticed that seems to be prominent in the VI community and not sure why. But yeah,I'm more a fan of symphonic metal than other types, probably because its so cinematic and often fantasy inspired.
I also love writing. Have you looked into collaborative writing/roleplay sites? That's often a good way to blend writing and socializing I've found. Though again, that doesn't fix the problem of in person friends as most of my writing partners aren't local.
Gaming I'd also agree with, though since the vast majority of games accessible to us aren't of interest to most sighted people that's another hurdle. Things like pathfinder/d&d and other tabletop games are a good in, but you have to be careful to find gm's who are open to using electronics and, at least for me, don't overly depend on maps/miniatures to convey the story.
FloralKitten971 points5y ago
Oh man I miss roleplaying! I've tried to join groups on Goodreads but I just get ignored. Not a huge fan of group roleplays.
That's interesting! I once met a guy who was blind and loved classical music. I love bands like Twilight Force and Nightwish, the longer songs sound like a movie.
Ooh, how could D&D work with electronics? I was interested in playing that but I found everything just so overwhelming.
-shacklebolt-1 points5y ago
Have you tried local events that pertain to your interests? If you live in a decently populated area, chances are there's loads of groups of people who share at least some of your interests. It's a lot easier to socialize when there's a planned event versus just trying to get out there and talk to people in my experience. Some ideas that many areas have: book clubs, fan clubs, board game or roleplay game groups, writing clubs, sports or athletic groups, industry or career groups, language learning, social groups for people in a given demographic, photography or art groups, religious groups, drinking or dinner groups, and so on.
I've personally never made a friend in a "complete stranger I bumped into in a random bar" type scenario. It's a lot easier to meet people through common interests, and then through shared friends.
stormsong19 [OP]1 points5y ago
Yes, this is my preferred method as well. I just find it difficult to actually go to events where there are a lot of people who already know each other. That said it is actively one of the things I want to get better at doing more of. Thanks for the suggestion.
BARDLover1 points5y ago
Just a quick foot note about the bar scene.
I'm VI, and have been to a bar solo about a dozen times in the past 2 years or so.
First, a question, how do you go about finding a bar stool? This is one thing I still, to this day, have to ask for help with when going alone.
Now, on to the point about conversation.
The bar I mainly went to was the Village Pub in Palm Springs, CA. A few nights a week they have live music, but I normally dodge out before than because I'm an early bird. Either way, they'll have decently loud music going, and when I'm there the bar is probably at least to half capacity.
My method is just to listen in on conversations around me, see if anything interesting is being discussed, or if anything interesting is going on.
Interesting things I was able to jump in on.
1. Two people were talking about maybe traveling to Seattle, my home town.
2. An old man was flirting with two girls and used the line "What do you think I am, blind?" I jumped in with "You may not be, but I am." Ended up unintentionally distracting the guy while the girls walked away. They bought me a drink later.
3. The guys sitting behind me were talking about boating, a favorite past time of mine.
Interesting things I've noticed. With these, they're good ice breakers if there's someone / some people sitting near by not talking.
1. Drunken guy getting loud with security, before getting being turned away at the door.
2. Some drunk marines getting in a brawl with local college kids. Apparently this time around the bar itself actually cleared out, and I was the only one that stayed sitting. I knew everyone left, but didn't know a quick way to get out without getting involved, so I just kept eating, ignoring them.
3. Drunk guy spilling freshly ordered drink on off duty bar tender, then forgetting he ordered a drink. (This was actually the same guy as #1, he left and tried coming back.)
Now, for the actual chatting.
It's loud, we know it, but they know it too. There is no shame in asking someone to repeat themself. Or asking if they'd like to head outside for a breath of fresh air.
If the conversation hits a natural pause, there's nothing wrong with turning back to the bar and just focusing on your drink for a minute. if you think of something else you'd like to talk about, or they do, great. If not, not that big of a deal.
Is it a bit overwhelming to be in a bar / loud place being VI? Yes. But if you can establish yourself in a stool, and try to tune in to things going on around you, I think it's fairly easy to start chatting with people.
stormsong19 [OP]2 points5y ago
As to finding bar stools, I can usually feel them with my cane and then determine by how close they are to the bar whether they're empty or not. But asking about this seems totally reasonable to me.
That's true, but often when there's music playing at a bar, I can't hear anything else to even determine other conversations going on around me unless its literally the bar stool right by mine or something.I'm not sure if its a hearing issue or a processing issue.
BARDLover1 points5y ago
That's probably a processing issue, sensory overload.
I could probably find a bar stool by caning it ... but I don't want to be that blind guy that bumps in to everyone, and I guess I'd be embarrassed to.
SLJ71 points5y ago
Following this because it's is an awesome thread and something I think about a lot. I quite agree in regards to classes being a decent medium for meeting people, at least if the classes have the right atmosphere, it can be pretty easy to strike up a conversation with someone or find out little things about classmates. I'm not a very outgoing person and I'm also not starving for company, so I just let conversations happen iff they happen and don't really worry about approaching people to try and force them, though I recognize that it's a necessary skill and it's something I'd like to find more ways to do. Thanks for posting; I'd be really curious what kind of responses this gets.
stormsong19 [OP]1 points5y ago
Hi. I'm really glad this topic was of interest to other people besides me, and am so glad I've gotten so many thoughtful replies.
Classes are good I'm currently not taking any, but looking into some both on corsera and the local community college is something I've been considering.
just_a_cactus1 points5y ago
How bad is your social anxiety? Can you talk to a stranger without shaking and a racing heart? How often do you avoid social activities just because you're afraid of talking to people, even though you want to?
stormsong19 [OP]1 points5y ago
I don't know exactly how to measure it to answer that. I CAN talk to strangers if I have to but often avoid doing so in real life rather assiduously. I can do it if its like a driver or something with a fairly defined length of interaction, but have a harder time in large groups especially, or with strangers in an undefined interaction. I guess, the best way to really put it is that it keeps me from going to events I would like to attend, but isn't so bad that I literally can't leave the house. As with pretty much anything else, there are days when its easier and days when its not. I'm fortunate in that I don't tend to have extremely noticable physical discomfort, for which I'm crateful.
Terry_Pie0 points5y ago
Edit: I'm male, and I'm assuming you're male too. I suspect things would be Very Different if you were female.
I can't really address the social anxiety part ("just do it"), but with regard to meeting people at the pub:
I meet randoms at the pub by doing the following: walk up to bar with cane, inevitably say "sorry mate" or "'scuse me" to Dark Shapes as I approach the bar; conversation begins; sustain for more than five minutes to make a new friend.
Or maybe you're sitting at the bar (the best place to sit because everyone's gotta come up to the bar to order right?) and you overhear a conversation. You've got some views, or a story or whatever, insert yourself in. The worst that can happen is they think you're insane and turn their backs on you afterwards. Whatever, not like you can see their looks of "is this guy nuts?"
To tell people apart, you need to learn voices. Don't be afraid to ask for people around you to confirm who they are though. I do that all the time, even at parties with groups of friends. You can't see who they are, that's legit.
The real problem I find, as a male, is the issue that men play offence, women play defence, It doesn't matter how much someone is committed to equality, the fact is that the norm (in the Anglosphere at least) is men approach women. As someone who is VI, the issues for me are 1) how do I tell which dark shapes are female, 2) how do I tell which of those dark shapes that are female and aren't already in a relationship, 3) of those dark shapes that are female and are also single, how do I tell if I'm physically attracted to them, we have similar interests, we have a potential connection.
The third point is actually the easy part: you talk, within five minutes (less even) you'll likely know if you're on the same page. The first two though? That's where you're likely to need help and I can tell you from experience, it sucks big time not having a mate whose able to cover that for you.
stormsong19 [OP]1 points5y ago
I'm actually not male, but still, useful advice. Just degender all of what you said in your 3 points about finding available and interesting people, and yeah. That's fairly close to my own experience.
Amonwilde1 points5y ago
Funny. I assumed that you were female in my response, but not sure why I did. Not that it matters for what I wrote.
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