Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Any experience being discriminated against / advice for someone that is experiencing it for the first time? (self.Blind)
submitted by BARDLover
Going to try to keep this short.
I started dating my now fiancee a while ago.
We've been very fortunate and had reason to travel as a couple many times, twice out of the country, once to a local mountain town, out of state, and to some near by islands twice.
I have a decent job, I make 20% more than the average family of four in my county.
Education was never too important to me, but I push my fiancee to be her best, and help her through her grad school experience. As in, help with studies, research, and picking up slack for chores.
I'm "living with my parents", as in, they have several nice rental homes, and are letting me stay in one rent free while I save up to buy / build a home, preferably / realistically cash. We have land, and could just build on the family land instead of buying new.
I'm very well traveled, with 9 countries under my belt, and 9 states as well.
I've been skydiving, many times, white water rafting as well, and love hiking and finding new trails.
I have never met my fiancees dad.
I was going to wait to pop the question, but he saw a charge on her card for insurance, for the ring, and questioned her until she told him we got it.
Cat's out of the bag, so I popped the question a few weeks back on vacation.
Now, she's home for the holidays, and her dad is telling her he doesn't approve of me, or us, because I'm a burden on her.
She's an extremely generous, big hearted, loving, and supportive woman, and shut him down immediately.
I'm going to be visiting the family at the end of next week, and I'm extremely nervous about him saying something to me, like he did to his daughter that spends her free time helping the less fortunate.
This doesn't change my thoughts about my fiancee at all, and she was as offended as I was by the comment.
But, how do you deal with this kind of person, when they've appeared to you before?
I'm over asking for his daughters hand, and his blessing, because the decision is made regardless of his thoughts on it, but I want to keep things friendly at the very least.
I plan on pretending not to know what he said, but we've discussed just walking out andstaying in a hotel for the rest of the trip if he does.
He thinks less of me due to my vision, and a part of me really wants to rub it in that despite my disability I am very successful, especially for someone in my age group, but I don't want to come across as bragging, or trying to earn his approval, because at this point it's not something I, or my fiancee, care about.
What are your thoughts, what is your experience?
I started dating my now fiancee a while ago.
We've been very fortunate and had reason to travel as a couple many times, twice out of the country, once to a local mountain town, out of state, and to some near by islands twice.
I have a decent job, I make 20% more than the average family of four in my county.
Education was never too important to me, but I push my fiancee to be her best, and help her through her grad school experience. As in, help with studies, research, and picking up slack for chores.
I'm "living with my parents", as in, they have several nice rental homes, and are letting me stay in one rent free while I save up to buy / build a home, preferably / realistically cash. We have land, and could just build on the family land instead of buying new.
I'm very well traveled, with 9 countries under my belt, and 9 states as well.
I've been skydiving, many times, white water rafting as well, and love hiking and finding new trails.
I have never met my fiancees dad.
I was going to wait to pop the question, but he saw a charge on her card for insurance, for the ring, and questioned her until she told him we got it.
Cat's out of the bag, so I popped the question a few weeks back on vacation.
Now, she's home for the holidays, and her dad is telling her he doesn't approve of me, or us, because I'm a burden on her.
She's an extremely generous, big hearted, loving, and supportive woman, and shut him down immediately.
I'm going to be visiting the family at the end of next week, and I'm extremely nervous about him saying something to me, like he did to his daughter that spends her free time helping the less fortunate.
This doesn't change my thoughts about my fiancee at all, and she was as offended as I was by the comment.
But, how do you deal with this kind of person, when they've appeared to you before?
I'm over asking for his daughters hand, and his blessing, because the decision is made regardless of his thoughts on it, but I want to keep things friendly at the very least.
I plan on pretending not to know what he said, but we've discussed just walking out andstaying in a hotel for the rest of the trip if he does.
He thinks less of me due to my vision, and a part of me really wants to rub it in that despite my disability I am very successful, especially for someone in my age group, but I don't want to come across as bragging, or trying to earn his approval, because at this point it's not something I, or my fiancee, care about.
What are your thoughts, what is your experience?
Amonwilde 4 points 5y ago
Sounds like your head is in the right place to deal with this. You have your contingency plan, your partner is supporting you, you know you're a successful member of society. Go in with an open mind but don't be surprised if you encounter a closed one. If you can pull off a civil visit, that will make both your lives easier, but you don't need to be a pushover if he's being rude. I wish you the best of luck! Would be nice if you could let us know how it went.
BARDLover [OP] 1 points 5y ago
I'm not on here often, but I will update.
Have you experienced anything like this before?
Have you experienced anything like this before?
Amonwilde 4 points 5y ago
Yes. I'm low vision, and so I often pass in many situations and I don't use a cane at the moment. That said, my partner's dad has made comments to her on occasion and in the past I had employers who were unaccommodating. I've been working for many years now, though, and even though my vision is worse I seem to get this kind of thing less often. But once I start using a cane I anticipate having to deal with this kind of thing again.
There's a lot of people who want to automatically feel superior to a blind person. If it seems like you're not giving them the opportunity to feel good about themselves for no reason, they get even more difficult to deal with. Best to just understand your own value and stand in your own light. Ignore and avoid with civility.
There's a lot of people who want to automatically feel superior to a blind person. If it seems like you're not giving them the opportunity to feel good about themselves for no reason, they get even more difficult to deal with. Best to just understand your own value and stand in your own light. Ignore and avoid with civility.
BARDLover [OP] 2 points 5y ago
I like that, standing in your own light.
In my day to day life, I don't use a cane. I only ever use it while in the city or traveling. Even hiking, I'll just use a hiking pole and hold my fiancees hand or elbow. Am I using the pole like a cane? Yes. Would anyone think of it as unusual without knowing what a blind persons cane use looks like? No.
So, I know what you mean by being treated differently due to it.
Thanks for the reply.
In my day to day life, I don't use a cane. I only ever use it while in the city or traveling. Even hiking, I'll just use a hiking pole and hold my fiancees hand or elbow. Am I using the pole like a cane? Yes. Would anyone think of it as unusual without knowing what a blind persons cane use looks like? No.
So, I know what you mean by being treated differently due to it.
Thanks for the reply.
AnEnchantingMelody 3 points 5y ago
Just joined Reddit today after reading posts on this subreddit's Twitter page. So I'm only just now seeing this. I married my sighted husband five years ago. His family was polite to me, but I think they were skeptical. I lived pretty far away from my husband at the time, about a five-hour plane ride. My father-in-law's wife invited me to stay with the family while visiting my husband for the first time. The thought was that this would give us time to get to know each other better (we met online) without feeling like we were crowding the other's space.
I say this so that you see, his family had plenty of time to observe me. I was the first blind person any of them had interacted with for a significant length of time, and they were impressed with me. But I have a bubbly nature and can seem rather flirty. I married young, and I think I came off a little more shallow than I meant to. All in all, as my husband's father got to know me, he concluded that I was, indeed, levelheaded and intelligent. But he thought I was too different from his son to make it work. Looking back, I think he thought I was too much like his ex-wife, honestly. And I am, a lot like his mother. I take this as a compliment. She is a sweetheart with a big heart.
I think it was a bit different for me, being the wife-to-be. His family liked me. They thought I was an inspiration. But I think they doubted my ability to be a good wife. All in all, the love is there now, with his family. But me being a part of the family didn't happen over night. It took his family seeing how I reacted in the face of challenges to believe that I was in it for the long haul. I cared for my husband when he came down with a chronic health condition. I stayed in the hospital with my husband's aunt until she died, and we contributed $700 toward her funeral costs. I found a job once I moved out to where my husband lives. And they came to know that I was a hard worker. So, looking back, my advice is this. Try to get to know your fiance's family, if they'll let you. But if they shut you out, I think it's just going to take time. They don't know you; they have their preconceptions. Give them a chance to see your actions and let them speak for themselves. Say to yourself, her family is not a part of my support system now, but there may come a time when we can rely on each other. Kill them with kindness.
I say this so that you see, his family had plenty of time to observe me. I was the first blind person any of them had interacted with for a significant length of time, and they were impressed with me. But I have a bubbly nature and can seem rather flirty. I married young, and I think I came off a little more shallow than I meant to. All in all, as my husband's father got to know me, he concluded that I was, indeed, levelheaded and intelligent. But he thought I was too different from his son to make it work. Looking back, I think he thought I was too much like his ex-wife, honestly. And I am, a lot like his mother. I take this as a compliment. She is a sweetheart with a big heart.
I think it was a bit different for me, being the wife-to-be. His family liked me. They thought I was an inspiration. But I think they doubted my ability to be a good wife. All in all, the love is there now, with his family. But me being a part of the family didn't happen over night. It took his family seeing how I reacted in the face of challenges to believe that I was in it for the long haul. I cared for my husband when he came down with a chronic health condition. I stayed in the hospital with my husband's aunt until she died, and we contributed $700 toward her funeral costs. I found a job once I moved out to where my husband lives. And they came to know that I was a hard worker. So, looking back, my advice is this. Try to get to know your fiance's family, if they'll let you. But if they shut you out, I think it's just going to take time. They don't know you; they have their preconceptions. Give them a chance to see your actions and let them speak for themselves. Say to yourself, her family is not a part of my support system now, but there may come a time when we can rely on each other. Kill them with kindness.
BARDLover [OP] 2 points 5y ago
Thanks for the story.
Your husbands family sounds very nice and accepting.
It'll be a rough ride, but we'll all make it work.
Thanks for the advice.
Your husbands family sounds very nice and accepting.
It'll be a rough ride, but we'll all make it work.
Thanks for the advice.
brizzyy 2 points 5y ago
My left eye pupil is permanently large and my right eye pupil is misshaped pretty noticeably and a little lazy. After graduating college I searched for a job for a little over a year and was turned down for jobs I was more than qualified for. After getting colored contacts that completely hid the deformity I got the very next job I interviewed for. It could be coincidence but I find people treat me better in daily life as well.
dashestodashes 2 points 5y ago
I have multiple disabilities, and I try to be as open as possible about them, partly because I'm working towards a career in advocacy and special education and partly because it's so much a part of my life that I don't feel like I should hide it. I found out recently that my boyfriend's family doesn't appreciate how open I am, and his grandmother (and possibly others) think I will be a burden if we get married.
It's a bunch of bullshit and it makes me kinda resent a lot of people in his family. Holidays are definitely becoming weird, but his family has such a clan mindset (only family is to be trusted, outsiders are dangerous, etc) that they were weird and uncomfortable for me anyway. So, I feel ya. The only way I'm dealing with it is by knowing that he loves me and that's all that counts, and he reminds me when I get frustrated that none of them are going to tell him who he can and can't marry. And also cursing at them in my head. That helps lol
It's a bunch of bullshit and it makes me kinda resent a lot of people in his family. Holidays are definitely becoming weird, but his family has such a clan mindset (only family is to be trusted, outsiders are dangerous, etc) that they were weird and uncomfortable for me anyway. So, I feel ya. The only way I'm dealing with it is by knowing that he loves me and that's all that counts, and he reminds me when I get frustrated that none of them are going to tell him who he can and can't marry. And also cursing at them in my head. That helps lol
BARDLover [OP] 2 points 5y ago
Thanks for the reply.
I'll admit I do understand feeling uncomfortable when people talk too openly about their medical issues or disabilities, but not to the point of judging people, just maybe to the point of being grossed out for a bit. (I'm squeemish.)
I'm sorry you have to put up with that.
I'll admit I do understand feeling uncomfortable when people talk too openly about their medical issues or disabilities, but not to the point of judging people, just maybe to the point of being grossed out for a bit. (I'm squeemish.)
I'm sorry you have to put up with that.
KillerLag 2 points 5y ago
Unfortunately, some people will not approve of someone marrying their daughter, for their own reasons. The important thing is how your fiancee feels. She can talk to her father, and explain that you are a good provider. Pulling out a pay stub or wearing a ton of jewelry may be rubbing it in, but it doesn't necessary send the best message. Show him that you are successful in your actions. Be firm but polite. While it is her father, he really doesn't have a say in the matter.
Additionally, she could also explain that she is going to marry you regardless of whether she has his blessing or not. He has a choice... to be bigoted and not attend his own daughter's wedding, or to celebrate that his daughter is getting married.
Good luck, and congratulations!
Additionally, she could also explain that she is going to marry you regardless of whether she has his blessing or not. He has a choice... to be bigoted and not attend his own daughter's wedding, or to celebrate that his daughter is getting married.
Good luck, and congratulations!
BARDLover [OP] 1 points 5y ago
> Additionally, she could also explain that she is going to marry you regardless of whether she has his blessing or not. He has a choice... to be bigoted and not attend his own daughter's wedding, or to celebrate that his daughter is getting married.
I don't think he's the type to realize this is an exclusive choice, and he can have one or the other, not both. I'd like him to be aware of this, so he doesn't burn the bridge too much, but that's likely something his daughter would need to tell him, not me?
I don't think he's the type to realize this is an exclusive choice, and he can have one or the other, not both. I'd like him to be aware of this, so he doesn't burn the bridge too much, but that's likely something his daughter would need to tell him, not me?
KillerLag 1 points 5y ago
It's her parent, so you should let her deal with him best that she can. She would know better how to talk to him.
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