Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Tindering Blind (self.Blind)
submitted 5.317700360082305y ago by EducationalLocksmith
I'm writing this not so much because I expect advice, though advice would be welcome but because I'd be interested in the experiences/thoughts of others and because I want to share my own experiences. Maybe it'll be theraputic ;p
I'm totally blind. I'm a man, about 30 and I work in a city. I have a good job that requires me to work a lot of hours. Maybe I've neglected hobbies/outside interests for the past few years because of work.
I've been single for a little while now, so I joined Tinder a couple months ago, partly because of a bet I made with a friend of mine and partly ya know, to maybe meet someone. Clearly it's not the most accessible site for blind people. I am literally swiping blind on a site full of pictures.
I should say that I'm completely direct with anyone I match and message with that I'm completely blind. I say it in the little bio section, my stick is in at least one of my photos and I always mention that I'm blind in one of my first messages ... usually as part of a really weak joke about giving blind date a whole new meaning. I think that's the right way to do things.
I've been pleasantly surprised at the number of women that talk to me and seem interested, at least in principle, given that full disclosure. Sure, plenty ignore me and some un-match but I think that happens to other guys, to some extent anyway.
What absolutely kills me is that I've had like 5 dates now, all with women I'd chatted to for a bit online all with women I thought (and still think) were nice people and I've yet to get a second date.
All of those dates were either coffee or drinks. I've always chatted online for a little before suggesting a date, sometimes for a couple weeks, sometimes just for a few days. There have been a couple where maybe we didn't hit it off in person so much but there were 3 or 4 where I, at least, felt that we had something in common and that we were having some fun. ... or maybe it's just that I was having fun, I guess - maybe the lady not so much :(
Anyway, at the end of the date I get a (friend) hug (no kiss) and then when I message to ask if they'd be interested in doing it again some time a gentle/kind message saying no. I say gentle/kind - one girl told me that I was "an extrordinary guy and she was sure there was someone amazing just around the corner for me" but she wasn't dating anyone for the moment, another (perhaps more honestly) said she had "a lovely time but wasn't looking to follow it up romantically" and went on to say she was sure there was someone amazing out there for me ... you get the picture. All very kind, all very final though :(
I obviously think I'm great! - Clearly not everyone necessarily agrees though and I'm not saying that but for my blindness I would have gotten with all of these women, not by any means.
Still, I can't help feeling that it is an issue though, even though they all knew I was blind and agreed to meet up knowing that - in fact we seemed to get on pretty well online or I wouldn't have suggested it in the first place.
I wonder if there's anything different I could or should be doing here? I'm interested also in any thoughts people may have ... And ya know in any general dating advice you may have ;)
How did you deal with mobility issues, like it is just a bit awkward expecting your date, a complete stranger, to guide you around, should I deal with that before the date do you think online?
I'm totally blind. I'm a man, about 30 and I work in a city. I have a good job that requires me to work a lot of hours. Maybe I've neglected hobbies/outside interests for the past few years because of work.
I've been single for a little while now, so I joined Tinder a couple months ago, partly because of a bet I made with a friend of mine and partly ya know, to maybe meet someone. Clearly it's not the most accessible site for blind people. I am literally swiping blind on a site full of pictures.
I should say that I'm completely direct with anyone I match and message with that I'm completely blind. I say it in the little bio section, my stick is in at least one of my photos and I always mention that I'm blind in one of my first messages ... usually as part of a really weak joke about giving blind date a whole new meaning. I think that's the right way to do things.
I've been pleasantly surprised at the number of women that talk to me and seem interested, at least in principle, given that full disclosure. Sure, plenty ignore me and some un-match but I think that happens to other guys, to some extent anyway.
What absolutely kills me is that I've had like 5 dates now, all with women I'd chatted to for a bit online all with women I thought (and still think) were nice people and I've yet to get a second date.
All of those dates were either coffee or drinks. I've always chatted online for a little before suggesting a date, sometimes for a couple weeks, sometimes just for a few days. There have been a couple where maybe we didn't hit it off in person so much but there were 3 or 4 where I, at least, felt that we had something in common and that we were having some fun. ... or maybe it's just that I was having fun, I guess - maybe the lady not so much :(
Anyway, at the end of the date I get a (friend) hug (no kiss) and then when I message to ask if they'd be interested in doing it again some time a gentle/kind message saying no. I say gentle/kind - one girl told me that I was "an extrordinary guy and she was sure there was someone amazing just around the corner for me" but she wasn't dating anyone for the moment, another (perhaps more honestly) said she had "a lovely time but wasn't looking to follow it up romantically" and went on to say she was sure there was someone amazing out there for me ... you get the picture. All very kind, all very final though :(
I obviously think I'm great! - Clearly not everyone necessarily agrees though and I'm not saying that but for my blindness I would have gotten with all of these women, not by any means.
Still, I can't help feeling that it is an issue though, even though they all knew I was blind and agreed to meet up knowing that - in fact we seemed to get on pretty well online or I wouldn't have suggested it in the first place.
I wonder if there's anything different I could or should be doing here? I'm interested also in any thoughts people may have ... And ya know in any general dating advice you may have ;)
How did you deal with mobility issues, like it is just a bit awkward expecting your date, a complete stranger, to guide you around, should I deal with that before the date do you think online?
LanceThunder 11 points 5y ago
based on what i have heard about tinder 5 dates in two months is reasonably successful. the think the dating scene in the developed world is in a strange place right now. gender roles are very blurry and most women get hoards of men messaging them on online dating sites. just keep at it and try not to take it too personally when things don't work out.
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i seriously doubt that you are catching any of these women by surprise with the fact that you are blind. it sounds like you are really going out of your way to make sure they know well in advance. it might actually be something you are bringing up a little too often.
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i seriously doubt that you are catching any of these women by surprise with the fact that you are blind. it sounds like you are really going out of your way to make sure they know well in advance. it might actually be something you are bringing up a little too often.
EducationalLocksmith [OP] 1 points 5y ago
Thanks for this, I agree with much of it. When I joined Tinder I'd have expected many fewer matches, many fewer conversations, many fewer dates but ya know to maybe get a second date now and again in the few cases where I got a first one.
I take the point you make about gender roles etc. but I'm not sure that really answers my question though.
I take the point you make about gender roles etc. but I'm not sure that really answers my question though.
Marconius 5 points 5y ago
Don't use Tinder for romantic dating, it is absolutely not the app for that. If you want to find someone more long-term, use OkCupid. The app has issues, but the matching algorithm is quite robust and with some navigation workarounds in the app and the site, it is quite functional. As with all dating, you will only get out of it what you put into it, and it really is like a full-time job. It comes down to how you present yourself, how well you communicate what you are looking for, and if you actually meet people with whom you can share interests.
Full disclosure, I lost my vision entirely 4 years ago, met someone on OkCupid a few months later using my new VoiceOver and accessibility tech skills, and we are still together today. We are in an open relationship and I seek additional play partners using both OkCupid and Tinder. With Tinder, I just keep swiping right and let the onus on matching go to the women. I am fully open and honest about my relationship and blindness in my profiles, plus my partner and I are linked in OkCupid so anyone can view both our profiles. Tinder has been pretty successful, plus I wrote a fun blog about dating a blind guy and tend to link matches to it if we are clicking and are trying to set up a date. Getting offline ASAP is most helpful so you can assess chemistry and how you click in person. Some women will look past the blindness, others will be curious, it will always be a crapshoot. It's awkward, there will be rejection, but just stay persistent and understand that dating always goes through peaks and lulls and if you give it solid attention, you'll be much more successful.
Confidence, not making a big show of the blindness and normalizing it and just being yourself will go a long way! So depending on what you are looking for, OkCupid is your best bet for general dating, Tinder is for hookups and play no matter what anyone else tells you. You can try other apps like Plenty of Fish or Coffee Meets Bagel, but OkCupid is the most successful and robust in my dating experience. Just get on and answer as many questions as you can, set up your profile, and offf you go!
Full disclosure, I lost my vision entirely 4 years ago, met someone on OkCupid a few months later using my new VoiceOver and accessibility tech skills, and we are still together today. We are in an open relationship and I seek additional play partners using both OkCupid and Tinder. With Tinder, I just keep swiping right and let the onus on matching go to the women. I am fully open and honest about my relationship and blindness in my profiles, plus my partner and I are linked in OkCupid so anyone can view both our profiles. Tinder has been pretty successful, plus I wrote a fun blog about dating a blind guy and tend to link matches to it if we are clicking and are trying to set up a date. Getting offline ASAP is most helpful so you can assess chemistry and how you click in person. Some women will look past the blindness, others will be curious, it will always be a crapshoot. It's awkward, there will be rejection, but just stay persistent and understand that dating always goes through peaks and lulls and if you give it solid attention, you'll be much more successful.
Confidence, not making a big show of the blindness and normalizing it and just being yourself will go a long way! So depending on what you are looking for, OkCupid is your best bet for general dating, Tinder is for hookups and play no matter what anyone else tells you. You can try other apps like Plenty of Fish or Coffee Meets Bagel, but OkCupid is the most successful and robust in my dating experience. Just get on and answer as many questions as you can, set up your profile, and offf you go!
EducationalLocksmith [OP] 1 points 5y ago
Hey,
Thanks for the reply. Okcupid's pretty crap where I'm based by all accounts, I'm not in the US. Yeah, sure, Tinder's a mixed bag, I get that but honestly, I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Care to share a link to your blog? Also, when you say normalize and confidence any practical examples?
Thanks for the reply. Okcupid's pretty crap where I'm based by all accounts, I'm not in the US. Yeah, sure, Tinder's a mixed bag, I get that but honestly, I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Care to share a link to your blog? Also, when you say normalize and confidence any practical examples?
Marconius 2 points 5y ago
I've learned to just try to not make it a big deal. Quickly showing that you do things differently but are still quite capable in and of yourself is a great way to do it. Once people get over the way we have to interact with the world, it clears it out of the way and the faster you can get to connecting, although stories about the barriers we face day in and day out make a lot of people think and can drive conversations in interesting ways.
$1 Was thinking of just linking it in the main subreddit for more exposure and for critique/comments/additions.
$1 Was thinking of just linking it in the main subreddit for more exposure and for critique/comments/additions.
rkingett 3 points 5y ago
I let them guide me around and everything. I make sure they meet me at my place, and, I also do full disclosure. I really don't know what to tell you other than, basically, keep trying. I've met some really great friends on the much more accessible m.okcupid.com though.
EducationalLocksmith [OP] 1 points 5y ago
Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't be keen on any total stranger calling to mine. Ever. What if they were an axe-murderer/murderess? Each to their own, I suppose.
EducationalLocksmith [OP] 1 points 5y ago
So, gentlemen and anyone else who feels like sharing their advice, what kind of first date would you go for and how would you work it?
AllHarlowsEve 2 points 5y ago
You're probably not going to have a great time on a hookup app looking for a serious partner.
I'd use OKC, POF, or any of the other myriad of dating sites, unless you specifically want to hook up.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we met online, although the site/app have somewhat recently become functionally useless.
I'd use OKC, POF, or any of the other myriad of dating sites, unless you specifically want to hook up.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we met online, although the site/app have somewhat recently become functionally useless.
EducationalLocksmith [OP] 2 points 5y ago
I just don't think everyone on Tinder's looking for a hook-up!
But even if I'm wrong about that, the point here is that I'm just not getting a second date! That's hardly the app's fault ... so any ideas how to fix this?
But even if I'm wrong about that, the point here is that I'm just not getting a second date! That's hardly the app's fault ... so any ideas how to fix this?
AllHarlowsEve 1 points 5y ago
It's not necessarily the app's fault, but it still has the vibe of, and stigma of, being a hookup app. Something like Plenty of Fish or OkCupid are focused more toward relationships, so people who are looking for flings or just casual dating are unlikely to be on them, which weeds out the people who legitimately don't want a second date because of that.
If you can, have a female friend or family member help pick pictures and work on your bio.
From a woman's perspective, if a guy's bio is bragging, that's annoying, but also if it's intensely dull.
Photos, also, are important. If you have a weird face in one picture, that could make a potential partner hesitant, or things like that.
Also, confidence is important. Even if you don't know completely what you're doing, act like you kind of do.
If you can, have a female friend or family member help pick pictures and work on your bio.
From a woman's perspective, if a guy's bio is bragging, that's annoying, but also if it's intensely dull.
Photos, also, are important. If you have a weird face in one picture, that could make a potential partner hesitant, or things like that.
Also, confidence is important. Even if you don't know completely what you're doing, act like you kind of do.
Bella-Lugosi 1 points 5y ago
I would seek female advice, someone candid, preferably in a successful relationship. Maybe take her out for coffee and get some pointers while she helps you tailor your online profiles.
I also think it's important to make dates with a plan for progression. If you're going to do coffee or drinks, have a secondary location you can go to if things go well. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to not pickup on physical signals. I was able to find a relationship with my friends brother, in which we speak frankly about sex and dating, and semi-annually spend a night on the town (strictly platonic). I am able to give him unbiased feedback from a female perspective during conversations of post date reflection. Often I feel my male coworkers discuss their dating experiences to try to gain insight. I would just make sure it's someone similarly aged that you're seeking advice from.
I got married pre-tinder and can't believe how much the dating world has changed, but ultimately (on a first date) I think women want you to have activities planned. Just try to put your best foot forward and be a gentleman.
I also think it's important to make dates with a plan for progression. If you're going to do coffee or drinks, have a secondary location you can go to if things go well. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to not pickup on physical signals. I was able to find a relationship with my friends brother, in which we speak frankly about sex and dating, and semi-annually spend a night on the town (strictly platonic). I am able to give him unbiased feedback from a female perspective during conversations of post date reflection. Often I feel my male coworkers discuss their dating experiences to try to gain insight. I would just make sure it's someone similarly aged that you're seeking advice from.
I got married pre-tinder and can't believe how much the dating world has changed, but ultimately (on a first date) I think women want you to have activities planned. Just try to put your best foot forward and be a gentleman.
EducationalLocksmith [OP] 2 points 5y ago
Bella thanks for this. A gentleman never has to try ;)
[deleted] 1 points 5y ago
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EducationalLocksmith [OP] 1 points 5y ago
Thanks for all the replies.
I'm sure people are trying to be helpful but I do think my point is being missed. I seem to get a date now and again. Happy days.
For whatever reason though, those dates go nowhere, even though I at least thought a couple of them seemed to be going reasonably well. So, I didn't even get a kiss - or a second date - so they're clearly just not that into me by the end of it, for whatever reason.
I'm by no means blaming that only on my blindness. Maybe I'm just not as entertaining as I may think I am *which is very!* ... but I do think my blindness has something to do with it. Are you really suggesting it's normal to go on 5 dates and not get a second date or so much as a kiss?
So, my question isn't what dating app to use but more how to approach a first date as a blind person, are there any things I should plan in advance, anything I should be saying to whoever before hand? etc. anything I should do to make them feel more comfortable?
I'm sure people are trying to be helpful but I do think my point is being missed. I seem to get a date now and again. Happy days.
For whatever reason though, those dates go nowhere, even though I at least thought a couple of them seemed to be going reasonably well. So, I didn't even get a kiss - or a second date - so they're clearly just not that into me by the end of it, for whatever reason.
I'm by no means blaming that only on my blindness. Maybe I'm just not as entertaining as I may think I am *which is very!* ... but I do think my blindness has something to do with it. Are you really suggesting it's normal to go on 5 dates and not get a second date or so much as a kiss?
So, my question isn't what dating app to use but more how to approach a first date as a blind person, are there any things I should plan in advance, anything I should be saying to whoever before hand? etc. anything I should do to make them feel more comfortable?
tmj00110 2 points 5y ago
They're not that into you by the end of it because you aren't giving off sexual and romantic vibes. They walk away thinking you're a nice, successful guy with a disability. But they don't walk away thinking you're a nice, successful guy who happens to have an intriguing disability who they really want to hook up with or see again.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure this out. I had to learn to be more intentional, more charismatic and playful, a touch more aggressive and direct.
In one of the comments you said that you aren't sure what you're looking for. My advice is to first figure that out. Then start communicating it.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure this out. I had to learn to be more intentional, more charismatic and playful, a touch more aggressive and direct.
In one of the comments you said that you aren't sure what you're looking for. My advice is to first figure that out. Then start communicating it.
EducationalLocksmith [OP] 1 points 5y ago
I think that's slightly tricky without being able to read body language. ... intentional (whatever that means) direct and agressive are easily overdone and the consequences if they are are at best embarrassing!
[deleted] 1 points 5y ago
[deleted]
EducationalLocksmith [OP] 2 points 5y ago
These last two messages seem more on point, thank you both for that.
I still say that if either:
1. Tinder wasn't the way to go; or
2. I was dealing with blindness badly in my online chats, or
3. I was over-emphasising my blindness ( I don't think I am),
Then logically the result would be that I wouldn't get dates at all, rather than an impact at the end of the first date. Whoever wouldn't go out with me at all, rather than going out with me once and never again:P So the difficulty must be on the date itself.
Do people think Bardlover is right then, is it normal for someone to go through 5 dates and never get a second one? If he is, then the whole basis for my query falls away!
So, at you both, what sorts of dates have you gone on and how did they work out?
Any other words of wisdom to share?
I still say that if either:
1. Tinder wasn't the way to go; or
2. I was dealing with blindness badly in my online chats, or
3. I was over-emphasising my blindness ( I don't think I am),
Then logically the result would be that I wouldn't get dates at all, rather than an impact at the end of the first date. Whoever wouldn't go out with me at all, rather than going out with me once and never again:P So the difficulty must be on the date itself.
Do people think Bardlover is right then, is it normal for someone to go through 5 dates and never get a second one? If he is, then the whole basis for my query falls away!
So, at you both, what sorts of dates have you gone on and how did they work out?
Any other words of wisdom to share?
[deleted] 1 points 5y ago
[deleted]
Cattus_deam 1 points 5y ago
I'd agree Tinder may not be the way to go, although I haven't used it even prior to marrying. This isn't meant to make you feel bad, but my husband has always had women interested in him, and only had one reject him due to his blindness. I don't doubt you are very interesting, but are you making sure to show interest in your date? They may in fact feel somewhat tentative - and that is common in any first date - but be sure to ask questions about them. Make it more about them than you. This will put her at ease and ready to take it a bit further.
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