Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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How do you make dating work with limited vision? (self.Blind)
submitted by Deskships
Using a throwaway, if that's alright. 23 year old male living on the west coast.
I won the genetic lottery and got stuck with an optic nerve disorder since birth. Right eye is pretty much useless, left eye is about 20/50 or so depending. Obviously that became a big problem when I went to get my driver's license. More specifically, the DOT told me to pound sand and that I wasn't getting one. Okay, that sucks, but whatever. I can get around on my own pretty easily even without a car, but it's been a serious roadblock when it comes to dating.
I've had at least six potential dates outright ghost me as soon as they heard I couldn't drive (even after I explained why, that it was a medical thing and not because I have 20 DUI's or something like that). Another girl and I went out once for coffee, but then messaged me later apologizing and saying that she couldn't really envision dating someone who had a disability.
Do you guys have any advice here? I've been pulling my hair out over this lately and just can't get it out of my head. It seems that even the people I've talked to who didn't mind me not having a car were skeptical of dating someone they thought of as being "disabled".
I won the genetic lottery and got stuck with an optic nerve disorder since birth. Right eye is pretty much useless, left eye is about 20/50 or so depending. Obviously that became a big problem when I went to get my driver's license. More specifically, the DOT told me to pound sand and that I wasn't getting one. Okay, that sucks, but whatever. I can get around on my own pretty easily even without a car, but it's been a serious roadblock when it comes to dating.
I've had at least six potential dates outright ghost me as soon as they heard I couldn't drive (even after I explained why, that it was a medical thing and not because I have 20 DUI's or something like that). Another girl and I went out once for coffee, but then messaged me later apologizing and saying that she couldn't really envision dating someone who had a disability.
Do you guys have any advice here? I've been pulling my hair out over this lately and just can't get it out of my head. It seems that even the people I've talked to who didn't mind me not having a car were skeptical of dating someone they thought of as being "disabled".
PungentMushrooms 15 points 5y ago
I also have limited vision and cannot drive because of it. Been on a few dates and my vision was never much of a factor to my dates as far as i can tell. What helps a lot is that i live downtown where i can bus everywhere and don't need a car. Girls don't expect me to pick them up because no sane person drives downtown. We would just meet at a bar or coffee shop.
Honestly, just keep going on dates until someone likes you for who you are. It will happen eventually. Dating is a grind for folks like us. No two ways about it.
Honestly, just keep going on dates until someone likes you for who you are. It will happen eventually. Dating is a grind for folks like us. No two ways about it.
Nixon154 6 points 5y ago
I am currently in a long term relationship with a girl that has a rod cone genetic distrophy. And honestly when I first met her I knew it would be a little tough with me driving everywhere and helping her around town. But that struggle didn't even compare to the happiness she brings me everyday. I don't even think about the negative aspects of her disability anymore and we have a happy family with two cats. So I can't really give you advice as I'm not in your shoes, but all I can say is don't give up, you will find that person.
RogueCandyKane 6 points 5y ago
It’s a numbers game. The ones who ghost you are doing g you a favour - you are t wasting any time on them.
Be honest, be you, focus on what you can do and not what you can’t.
Be honest about what environments work bed for you.
The more people you interact with, the more likely you are to meet someone you like who likes you too.
Have fun with dating. Be open minded.
Say yes.
Think about what you want from a person and not about what you offer them.
Then keep your eyes peeled (I’m allowed to say it, I’m VI too 😀) for someone who ticks your boxes
Good luck
Be honest, be you, focus on what you can do and not what you can’t.
Be honest about what environments work bed for you.
The more people you interact with, the more likely you are to meet someone you like who likes you too.
Have fun with dating. Be open minded.
Say yes.
Think about what you want from a person and not about what you offer them.
Then keep your eyes peeled (I’m allowed to say it, I’m VI too 😀) for someone who ticks your boxes
Good luck
Hellsacomin94 4 points 5y ago
This. Dating is a brutal weed-out process. Sometimes you’re the gardener, sometimes you’re the weed. You probably can’t change your vision, so you just have to keep pressing on. Props to the girl who texted you. It takes integrity to be upfront about things like this. If you continue to put yourself out there, be positive, you will find someone who is right for you. In the mean time, prepare yourself with education, finances, fitness, and hobbies. That will make you more appealing.
PS I think it helps to try to get the most rejections possible, not successes. That way you get practice at talking to women and the stakes are low because you don’t really care that much.
PPS Molly Burke on YouTube has some videos on this. May help you to watch a few, although I believe it’s much more difficult as a man.
Good luck, Stay positive!
PS I think it helps to try to get the most rejections possible, not successes. That way you get practice at talking to women and the stakes are low because you don’t really care that much.
PPS Molly Burke on YouTube has some videos on this. May help you to watch a few, although I believe it’s much more difficult as a man.
Good luck, Stay positive!
AllHarlowsEve 3 points 5y ago
Quick question, how up front are you about your blindness?
If you want people to only message you if they can deal with having a disabled/blind/VI, or whatever label you prefer, boyfriend, then having it in your bio, showing your cane, etc, are all good ways to do it.
If you're fine dating people who may turn out to not be okay with blind people, you can omit it and hope to change minds, although some people will view that as you trying to trick them.
All that to say, it's mostly trial and error. I had a guy, after a month of spending lots of time together, that he could never see himself having fun with a blind person. That stung quite a bit. But, I met my boyfriend of almost 4 years online, so that was good.
If you want people to only message you if they can deal with having a disabled/blind/VI, or whatever label you prefer, boyfriend, then having it in your bio, showing your cane, etc, are all good ways to do it.
If you're fine dating people who may turn out to not be okay with blind people, you can omit it and hope to change minds, although some people will view that as you trying to trick them.
All that to say, it's mostly trial and error. I had a guy, after a month of spending lots of time together, that he could never see himself having fun with a blind person. That stung quite a bit. But, I met my boyfriend of almost 4 years online, so that was good.
Deskships [OP] 2 points 5y ago
I try to bring it up as soon as possible, though it's not in my bio (I don't use a cane or anything like that, so its tough to just shoehorn that in there). Usually in the first couple messages if I can find a way to bring it up.
itisisidneyfeldman 3 points 5y ago
Sorry for your troubles OP, dating is enough of a stressor in any case. I'm not sure if you live in an area with no public transit or walkable neighborhoods, but it does seem overwhelmingly more likely that your vision problems, not the driving specifically, are the bigger hurdle. Btw, your vision must be pretty functional if you even went to DOT to attempt to get your DL.
In any case you might be doing yourself a favor to include that info in your bio. Is it OKCupid or Tinder? Depending on available space and how much detail you wanna reveal, you can throw that detail in there:
- "I basically just see out of one eye, so I'm not much of a driver or 3D movie connoisseur."
- "Annoyingly, I don't drive, thanks to eye trouble. But I'm really good at Ubering around."
- "I do a great impression of [Leela/Polyphemus/Snake Plissken]."
Nothing apologetic, nothing overly defensive, just matter of fact. Your disclosure will (unavoidably) turn away some number of people, but the others will take a cue from your comfort with it.
Lots of people, unfortunately, have a regressive conception of disability in which they envision themselves having to "take care" of you, and you don't get a chance to dispel that until you actually meet them. So consider including profile photos of yourself doing stuff to counteract the instinctive stereotype of equating disability with "no ability." And the first few dates you might aim for meeting in a familiar environment -- it might be extra useful to signal your independence and comfort, so it's not foregrounded during the date.
Good luck!
In any case you might be doing yourself a favor to include that info in your bio. Is it OKCupid or Tinder? Depending on available space and how much detail you wanna reveal, you can throw that detail in there:
- "I basically just see out of one eye, so I'm not much of a driver or 3D movie connoisseur."
- "Annoyingly, I don't drive, thanks to eye trouble. But I'm really good at Ubering around."
- "I do a great impression of [Leela/Polyphemus/Snake Plissken]."
Nothing apologetic, nothing overly defensive, just matter of fact. Your disclosure will (unavoidably) turn away some number of people, but the others will take a cue from your comfort with it.
Lots of people, unfortunately, have a regressive conception of disability in which they envision themselves having to "take care" of you, and you don't get a chance to dispel that until you actually meet them. So consider including profile photos of yourself doing stuff to counteract the instinctive stereotype of equating disability with "no ability." And the first few dates you might aim for meeting in a familiar environment -- it might be extra useful to signal your independence and comfort, so it's not foregrounded during the date.
Good luck!
BARDLover 1 points 5y ago
I live in the greater Seattle area.
People may think less of you if you're blind, or disabled in general, that's just how our world is.
The thing that's worked for me is to prove them wrong, consistently.
I've lost out on a few chances due to being blind, but I also snuck it in to the first conversation I had with my fiance, and 18 months later we've pushed eachother past any limits we thought we may have.
I didn't do this by being typical though. Between an average guy, and an average guy that is blind, you're a few points behind. Between an average guy, and a guy that's blind and loves to hike, skydive, go white water rafting, rock climbing, and traveling, you're going to be miles ahead, and not being able to drive won't be nearly as big of a factor.
For the first year of our relationship, neither one of us drove, we just Ubered everywhere. She's not from my area and doesn't have a car in the area.
Well, my family had a spair truck, so we gave her the keys to that, and now she's our DD. Also recently got her a Mini Cooper, a convertible like I love, and a small car like she loves. Best of both worlds, for both of us.
TL:DR. Dating is about attracting a mate. If you don't do anything to set yourself aside from the flock, you're odds are already only so so, if you have anything that detracts from you, no matter how slight, your odds drop. Increase your flair, paint your feathers neon colors, and dance like your life depends on it. People are attracted to attractive people, and you can be as ugly as sin, or me, and still be extremely attractive, like I fake it, trying to make it, one day at a time.
People may think less of you if you're blind, or disabled in general, that's just how our world is.
The thing that's worked for me is to prove them wrong, consistently.
I've lost out on a few chances due to being blind, but I also snuck it in to the first conversation I had with my fiance, and 18 months later we've pushed eachother past any limits we thought we may have.
I didn't do this by being typical though. Between an average guy, and an average guy that is blind, you're a few points behind. Between an average guy, and a guy that's blind and loves to hike, skydive, go white water rafting, rock climbing, and traveling, you're going to be miles ahead, and not being able to drive won't be nearly as big of a factor.
For the first year of our relationship, neither one of us drove, we just Ubered everywhere. She's not from my area and doesn't have a car in the area.
Well, my family had a spair truck, so we gave her the keys to that, and now she's our DD. Also recently got her a Mini Cooper, a convertible like I love, and a small car like she loves. Best of both worlds, for both of us.
TL:DR. Dating is about attracting a mate. If you don't do anything to set yourself aside from the flock, you're odds are already only so so, if you have anything that detracts from you, no matter how slight, your odds drop. Increase your flair, paint your feathers neon colors, and dance like your life depends on it. People are attracted to attractive people, and you can be as ugly as sin, or me, and still be extremely attractive, like I fake it, trying to make it, one day at a time.
alex-star 1 points 5y ago
I don't think that dating someone who thinks you should be able to drive is a proper start for a good relationships. People will always find a reason for ghosting and sometimes you'll never know it for real. Don't take it too personal, there're hundreds of thousands people around, you'll find your special one eventually. Good luck!
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