Hello,

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I would like to start by saying I've known I had Stargarddt's disease since I was 15, I am 24 now and I am more lost than I've ever been. I decided to post some of my problems that I've went through as to help others maybe realize they are not alone with dealing with such problems. For starters for any of those that don't know what stargardt's is, It is macular dystrophy, juvenile macular degeneration, so basically I can't see out the center of my eyes mainly very distorted vision makes it hard to do anything normal eyes let you do I can't really read, I can't drive noticing who people are is almost impossible by sight unless they are right on top of me. Alright so lets start with when I was diagnosed I was 15 and I was just taking my driver's Ed lesson and the Drivers Ed instructor noticed I wasn't able to read signs, stop signs, stop lights etc, so I didn't really think it was anything other than I needed new glasses or something so went to the eye doctor they ran some test came back with this weird word i never heard of and they said "Yeah so looks like you have something called Stargardt's, and Stargardt's is a rare condition that take your central vision away and there is NO cure." and me not knowing how to take this information I just kind of shut down and didn't speak for awhile. Now it's important to note I have a loving family my Mom and Dad both support and try to help me and always have, So when they heard this news they didn't really know how to take it either so we started looking for ways to coop with this disease the most we found was wearing sunglasses helps when I go out or there is bright lights and using high powered magnifier's that's about all I've found to help to some degree. I was doing well dealing with it for some time because I had school and people to talk to, the school I wen to was great it was a alternative school it only had 20 something students at a time so it was easy to talk to and learn from the teachers they were very helpful with dealing with my eye condition they would make any accommodations I needed. I did well in that school, but I fear that it may have been the cause to my lack of social skills because there were only so many people there not like a normal high school with hundreds of kids around and 30 or so in one classroom, and I say this because I went back to normal school for a month when i was 16 and had a harsh awaking to reality and how people treat the visually impaired, I knew kids could be mean but some of the stuff that they did and said to me wasn't right and the teacher showed no sign of care towards what I needed. I would go there every morning wearing my sunglasses made to protect my eyes against harmful lights in the building and I had a doctors note that I carried around to show teachers who asked "Why are you wearing sunglasses in the building?" and I would have to show them every day same teacher the same note they still did not want me to wear them and so I would take them off for a second to give them that satisfaction then I would put them back on sometimes I wouldn't even listen to them because this is my health MY eyes. In the classrooms that's when I had to deal with kids making fun of me or being jealous cause I wore sunglasses in the school it got to the point where one kid took the sunglasses off my eyes in the middle of the class mind you with the teachers watching and he just took them and said "Give me those sunglasses there's nothing wrong with your eyes!" I'm sure he just wanted a fight but I didn't rise to him because I knew it was more trouble than it's worth so he eventually gave them back but only cause another kid stuck up for me which I wish I had done more but I knew I didn't feel like getting in trouble for a stupid fight so I let it go, still the teachers did nothing so I talked to my Mom about getting me back into that alternative school that I was doing so well in and do their GED program because I couldn't take the kids or teachers in a normal high school anymore the teachers didn't really make accommodations or anything there so I felt it was in my best interest to return to my old school where I stayed up untill I took my GED and when I got it I was 18. I realized when I got my GED that I couldn't do a lot of the things I wanted to do for work or go to college for I wanted to be in the military at one point cause I didn't know what I wanted to to with my life but that was shut down aswell due to eye sight I've always enjoyed art in every kind of medium but my passion was Digital Art it was something I thought was obtainable so I kept that in my mind as I tried to figure things out I knew i was going to need some help getting to college and help doing the work with some kind of accommodations so my Mom found this place that helps visually impaired people learn to live with their blindness and it was a 1 year program where I went and stayed 5 times a week at this place to learn braille, cooking, walking around with a cane and other useful life skills to help with everyday tasks for blindness it seemed like things were going well I was getting actual help for the first time in my life I felt almost normal. So I finished that program and was told that they would help pay for college expenses and thing that I may need to get done with my college education and the the college career path I chose was "Digital Arts Major" this college that I had to go to was an hour or more away from home, so I needed a place to stay so i found an apartment near the school it was a mile and a half away so I had to walk to school everyday which wasn't bad. I found out though how difficult it was for someone with a visual impairment to go to college let alone trying to do a Art major that's just absurd I guess cause I was not able to keep up with the rest of the students I even had another doctor note and thongs signed to get extra time on deadlines that I never got it seemed the professors were just cashing in on me being there they didn't really care to much about my eye problem in fact one of them said "Are you sure this is the career you want." which when they said that just made me even sadder and think "Well I guess I really can't do what I want" and the work I did for the classes were not bad at all they were pretty good actually it's just I take longer than most people to do art or anything for that matter because I have to take time to try and see things I mean you know I have a handicap I can''t do things as fast as everyone else, It doesn't help that I don't really look like I have a problem when you see me I look like anyone else you wouldn't know I had a problem unless you asked. Anyway I kept working towards trying to get finished with that semester at least because I really wanted to do art I enjoy it and it has been the only thing I had to go for as a goal really nothing in my life seemed to be going right I couldn't come up with anything I'd be happy doing. few months in I found out that the people that said they were going to help pay for my college turned out not to be able to help and the person that said they were going ton help was fired so I knew I was screwed out of money and had no option but tom drop out of college and leave my apartment we didn't have the kind of money to keep that up. It didn't really seem like things were going to work out for me anyway for that degree so I came home almost having only did a year of college and nothing to really show for it. I mean I obviously learned some things but nothing to really get me a job or motivate me to do anything really cause I was just shut down of everything nothing seemed right. so here I am 21 years old home doing nothing but looking online for something anything, playing games doing anything to keep my mind off of my failures. One day I got the nerve up to start doing something better for myself I started going to a gym I joined I worked out and felt good and started wanting to try and do more I started drawing more I started doing 3d sculpting and texturing I learned many different types of programs and I did all this on my own with just hobbies in mind hoping maybe it would lead me somewhere. I was 23 and things were looking alright I still didn't have a job but I was happier and actively looking for something to do. And then the end of last year of 2018 things took a rather bad turn I began to feel very anxious and have panic attacks every other day and my chest would hurt i found out that I had a hiatus hernia which could cause pain and pressure and acid re flux but that also made it hard to work out, so I ended up to scared to go to the gym afraid of having more problems so the Doc decided to change my anti depressant to Zoloft I was taking Celexia for 4 or more years and now switch to this new one and I started to become super anxious more than I've ever felt before panic attacks all the time things didn't feel real I felt horrible so i went back and he decided to take me off of it completely and they put me on something called Propranolol which is some weird heart medicine for slowing heart rate and it helps anxiety supposedly, so I tried that for a week or more and let me tell you something I never felt so close to death I looked like I was going to die I lost all my weight I gained from working out and I could not sleep I was starting to hallucinate. I knew something had to be done and fast my Mom noticed I had looked like I couldn't sleep and she saw how I was acting she knew I needed to go somewhere she found a place that takes people in with mental illness and treats them with meds so basically a psych ward I stayed there for two weeks and found out I developed a Panic disorder and I had severe depression they also said I may have developed Psychosis which didn't sound good but they treated me the best they could I feel still lost feeling still distant still like somethings missing. But I know if they hadn't of helped me I would have died I never felt so bad in my life, which leads me to today it's been nearly three weeks since I've been released from the Psych Ward and I am getting help with a councilor and seeing a Psychiatrist I'm hoping to go back to normal whatever "Normal" is I don't really know what I want out oi life anymore but I also don't want life to leave me behind but that's all that ever seems to happen to me anytime I feel I'm going somewhere and doing things it always seems to come back and slap me in the face twice as hard as it did before I really don't know what I wrote this for maybe I did it for myself I just want my life back but now with all these weird meds I take I don't know anything anymore... I hope some of you can learn from my story please let me know your experiences and how you deal with visual impairment. I hate to have a sob story but It just be like that sometimes I guess. I haven't even thought about a love life that another regret I have. There is many things that I have left out of this just for time sake and so I wouldn't be here all day writing. Please share any thoughts I would appreciate it. Thank you