Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Has your blindness negatively affected your relationship with your family? (self.Blind)
submitted by KingWithoutClothes
Hello everyone,
I was born legally blind but my disorder is progressive, so I have continued to lose the rest of my vision of the course of my childhood and youth. Especially the past 3-4 years have been extremely tough on me, as I have gone through immense life changes. I'm now 31 years old and practically blind.
The other day I was venting about my older brother to my wife. What began as a simple rant turned into a very interesting (but also very depressing) conversation. My wife is sighted but she probably understands me better than anyone else. She also has a great skill at analyzing people and feeling what they are like.
My relationship with my brother has always been very difficult to say the least. We fought a lot as kids and teenagers. At the same time, I admired him a lot and wanted to hang out together but he always rejected me, telling me I'm boring and cringy. I remember one time he was gonna go to the forest to make a fire and fry some sausages with his friends. I was about 10 and they were about 15 at the time. I begged him to let me join but he refused. Eventually our mom told him to take me along. Reluctantly he agreed. Once we were a few hundred meters away from home, he and his friends took off on their bikes. He knew I'd have to go home again because I wouldn't be able to follow them at their speed.
Once we became adults, the open fights became rarer but the openly dismissive attitude towards me as a person (in relation to my disability) became more frequent. For many, many years I couldn't understand why my brother seems to hate me. I used to assume it was somehow my fault or maybe he was simply a mean person (though he didn't seem to mistreat others the way he mistreats me). It was only through conversations with my wife and a lot of thinking that I have come to realize my brother is in fact a very ableist person. For example he is very "manly" in a traditional sense and he's very proud of that. I think he really resents me for being a very different brother than the kind of brother he would've liked to have. There are many things he does for fun - such as playing soccer - that he takes a lot of pride in because he considers them very manly. I can't do them and hence he looks down at me. I'm obviously also not as independent as a sighted person. For example during family dinners, my wife would have to help me by telling me where the different foods are located on the table or maybe serving them on my plate. My brother never openly tells me that he finds this pathetic but I know he does. I can feel it with every dismissive "tzz" and every sarcastic joke he makes. I know he views me in a condescending way because I need assistance with certain tasks. I think in his mind, real men don't need assistance.
All of this is very painful to me of course. You could say he's just being immature but the thing is, it doesn't really come across as immaturity. He's actually a very smart guy. It rather comes across as brutally cold, hostile intolerance. Like imagine being gay and your own brother telling you: "you're disgusting, gay people are all sick and subhuman." He's never *literally* told me that kind of thing and he may not consciously think it but I know deep down that's what he feels. I know deep down he feels like I'm kind of waste of oxygen cuz y'know, blind people are kind of petty and pathetic anyway. You might think I'm exaggerating but that's why I've talked about it to my wife. I thought maybe I'm really going crazy and as a sighted person, she might have a more neutral view on this. Turns out she completely agrees with me. In fact, even my friends agree with me.
However, my brother stubbornly refuses to admit to his hostility. Instead, he claims that I'm using my blindness as an excuse to get extra privilege. Like one time he said to me: "you know, when we were children it was so frustrating that I was never allowed to punch you in the face when we had a fight." (My parents made sure he wouldn't do this because it would've endangered my leftover vision). I was extremely shocked over his remark and very hurt. When I told him so, he got annoyed and replied: "argh, now this again. You're so oversensitive. You think because you're blind you can just cry about everything and people will kiss your ass."
The most discouraging part about this is that my parents both refuse to acknowledge his hurtful behavior towards me. In a way I kind of get it... they're his parents too and he's the first-born, so they love him especially. But it still makes me sad.
I also have a little sister but my relationship with her is more neutral. She doesn't seem to care or empathize too much with my situation but she also doesn't have any openly discriminating attitude towards me. One way I can feel this difference is that she knows at least the very basics about my disorder. A few years ago I was shocked to find out that my brother who's known me for 30 years didn't even know what my disorder is called. He simply never gave a shit.
Sometimes I think about how my relationship with my brother would be vastly different if I weren't disabled. We are now very emotionally estranged. I can't say I have any love for him left. If I were sighted, he'd probably respect me like everyone else. I think his bullying, mean jokes, dismissive attitude etc. over all these years has also severely damaged my confidence. It may sound silly but he's made me feel like a lesser being so many times that now I'm sometimes asking myself whether that's perhaps really true.
The worst of all is that he's my brother. If you have a friend who turns out to be a total racist, you can simply stop seeing him. If you have a family member who doesn't accept you for how you were born, there's very little you can do. I'm still forced to act normal, meet him etc. My parents expect that of me.
So yeah... has anyone else had similar problems with family members? Have you grown up with siblings or maybe parents who hate you for being blind?
I was born legally blind but my disorder is progressive, so I have continued to lose the rest of my vision of the course of my childhood and youth. Especially the past 3-4 years have been extremely tough on me, as I have gone through immense life changes. I'm now 31 years old and practically blind.
The other day I was venting about my older brother to my wife. What began as a simple rant turned into a very interesting (but also very depressing) conversation. My wife is sighted but she probably understands me better than anyone else. She also has a great skill at analyzing people and feeling what they are like.
My relationship with my brother has always been very difficult to say the least. We fought a lot as kids and teenagers. At the same time, I admired him a lot and wanted to hang out together but he always rejected me, telling me I'm boring and cringy. I remember one time he was gonna go to the forest to make a fire and fry some sausages with his friends. I was about 10 and they were about 15 at the time. I begged him to let me join but he refused. Eventually our mom told him to take me along. Reluctantly he agreed. Once we were a few hundred meters away from home, he and his friends took off on their bikes. He knew I'd have to go home again because I wouldn't be able to follow them at their speed.
Once we became adults, the open fights became rarer but the openly dismissive attitude towards me as a person (in relation to my disability) became more frequent. For many, many years I couldn't understand why my brother seems to hate me. I used to assume it was somehow my fault or maybe he was simply a mean person (though he didn't seem to mistreat others the way he mistreats me). It was only through conversations with my wife and a lot of thinking that I have come to realize my brother is in fact a very ableist person. For example he is very "manly" in a traditional sense and he's very proud of that. I think he really resents me for being a very different brother than the kind of brother he would've liked to have. There are many things he does for fun - such as playing soccer - that he takes a lot of pride in because he considers them very manly. I can't do them and hence he looks down at me. I'm obviously also not as independent as a sighted person. For example during family dinners, my wife would have to help me by telling me where the different foods are located on the table or maybe serving them on my plate. My brother never openly tells me that he finds this pathetic but I know he does. I can feel it with every dismissive "tzz" and every sarcastic joke he makes. I know he views me in a condescending way because I need assistance with certain tasks. I think in his mind, real men don't need assistance.
All of this is very painful to me of course. You could say he's just being immature but the thing is, it doesn't really come across as immaturity. He's actually a very smart guy. It rather comes across as brutally cold, hostile intolerance. Like imagine being gay and your own brother telling you: "you're disgusting, gay people are all sick and subhuman." He's never *literally* told me that kind of thing and he may not consciously think it but I know deep down that's what he feels. I know deep down he feels like I'm kind of waste of oxygen cuz y'know, blind people are kind of petty and pathetic anyway. You might think I'm exaggerating but that's why I've talked about it to my wife. I thought maybe I'm really going crazy and as a sighted person, she might have a more neutral view on this. Turns out she completely agrees with me. In fact, even my friends agree with me.
However, my brother stubbornly refuses to admit to his hostility. Instead, he claims that I'm using my blindness as an excuse to get extra privilege. Like one time he said to me: "you know, when we were children it was so frustrating that I was never allowed to punch you in the face when we had a fight." (My parents made sure he wouldn't do this because it would've endangered my leftover vision). I was extremely shocked over his remark and very hurt. When I told him so, he got annoyed and replied: "argh, now this again. You're so oversensitive. You think because you're blind you can just cry about everything and people will kiss your ass."
The most discouraging part about this is that my parents both refuse to acknowledge his hurtful behavior towards me. In a way I kind of get it... they're his parents too and he's the first-born, so they love him especially. But it still makes me sad.
I also have a little sister but my relationship with her is more neutral. She doesn't seem to care or empathize too much with my situation but she also doesn't have any openly discriminating attitude towards me. One way I can feel this difference is that she knows at least the very basics about my disorder. A few years ago I was shocked to find out that my brother who's known me for 30 years didn't even know what my disorder is called. He simply never gave a shit.
Sometimes I think about how my relationship with my brother would be vastly different if I weren't disabled. We are now very emotionally estranged. I can't say I have any love for him left. If I were sighted, he'd probably respect me like everyone else. I think his bullying, mean jokes, dismissive attitude etc. over all these years has also severely damaged my confidence. It may sound silly but he's made me feel like a lesser being so many times that now I'm sometimes asking myself whether that's perhaps really true.
The worst of all is that he's my brother. If you have a friend who turns out to be a total racist, you can simply stop seeing him. If you have a family member who doesn't accept you for how you were born, there's very little you can do. I'm still forced to act normal, meet him etc. My parents expect that of me.
So yeah... has anyone else had similar problems with family members? Have you grown up with siblings or maybe parents who hate you for being blind?
nevereatglue 9 points 3y ago
You are not alone. I'm so sorry to say this, but your brother is not only bias because of your childhood but also because he truly is able-ist. And resenting you for something you can't control, without seeking therapy and proper healing or at the very least open communication about it, is not your fault. It's his. It sounds like you've tried to be very forthright with him and gotten no return for your effort. I think at this point if he says openly offensive things to youz it's in your right to stand up for yourself and call him out. I know it's hard, but his treatment is uncalled for. He sounds like a total jerk. I get your parents position. I don't think they can do much unless you start to openly stand up for yourself and set really strong boundaries with this person. You cannot let him make your life even harder than it already is. Keep a healthy distance, open yourself up to forgive, but in the moment, don't take shit. You deserve basic respect, even if you can't be best friends.
Like I said, I relate. My sister was diagnosed with autism when she was 14. She is 6 years older than I am, but emotionally we are experiencing different stages. I don't want to say I am more mature, but I have my life slightly more together. Having two kids with disabilities was so hard on my parents but also readily accessible info wasn't as easy to come by in the early 90's. There just wasn't even open communication, psycho-educatuon and joint growth in our family. My early life felt very disjointed and I normalized and internalized s lot. My sister would smack me and scream at me out if nowhere. She stole from me and lied to me. She did a lot of things.... And it was a relief to me recently when she could articulate that she wished I had never been born. I got treated "better" because I had a physical disability and not a mental one. Of course that's not even true, because being blind comes with its own emotionally complex problems. It was a relief for me to hear her say that, because all of the abuse and jealousy and gaslighting made more sense. A lot of the time she had delayed empathy for me.
We are never going to be best friends, but we don't always have to relive the past. I've had some therapy and read some books about childhood trauma and healing. I suggest maybe you try this too. It's okay that you feel hurt. It makes sense that this has worn down your confidence, but it doesn't have to continue. Prove him wrong in your own way by being the better man, growing, and loving yourself. Your wife sounds dope. I hope for the best outcomes !
Like I said, I relate. My sister was diagnosed with autism when she was 14. She is 6 years older than I am, but emotionally we are experiencing different stages. I don't want to say I am more mature, but I have my life slightly more together. Having two kids with disabilities was so hard on my parents but also readily accessible info wasn't as easy to come by in the early 90's. There just wasn't even open communication, psycho-educatuon and joint growth in our family. My early life felt very disjointed and I normalized and internalized s lot. My sister would smack me and scream at me out if nowhere. She stole from me and lied to me. She did a lot of things.... And it was a relief to me recently when she could articulate that she wished I had never been born. I got treated "better" because I had a physical disability and not a mental one. Of course that's not even true, because being blind comes with its own emotionally complex problems. It was a relief for me to hear her say that, because all of the abuse and jealousy and gaslighting made more sense. A lot of the time she had delayed empathy for me.
We are never going to be best friends, but we don't always have to relive the past. I've had some therapy and read some books about childhood trauma and healing. I suggest maybe you try this too. It's okay that you feel hurt. It makes sense that this has worn down your confidence, but it doesn't have to continue. Prove him wrong in your own way by being the better man, growing, and loving yourself. Your wife sounds dope. I hope for the best outcomes !
KingWithoutClothes [OP] 3 points 3y ago
Thank you so much for the great response! And yes, I think we really have some experiences in common. I totally see why your sister's admission, as horrible as it is, would make you feel better. It's like a way of finally feeling that your emotions about her thoughts towards you have been correct all these years. I wish my brother could be so honest too. It would be very painful but at least he wouldn't lie about it anymore. At the moment, I know he's thinking all this crap and he probably knows that I know but he'll refuse to admit to anything. This can be so frustrating.
Anyway, thank you again for your advice!
Anyway, thank you again for your advice!
capncrisco 6 points 3y ago
You're 31 and recognizing toxic people in your life. If they're holding you back, it's okay to let them go. Boundaries are good when people hurt us. Obligation be damned.
The birth lottery can be cruel, focus on the good people you've found and learned to love. The people we choose that bring us happiness and joy and even protect us don't rely on genetic similarities to burden us with the troubles of the past masked in the guise of family.
Our loved ones are the real treasures with this affliction. They are the everyday saints on this earth and want us to be whole without unnecessary pain and hardship.
Focus on the good people in your life, they've earned sharing your present and future. Distance yourself from the people who weigh you down.
The birth lottery can be cruel, focus on the good people you've found and learned to love. The people we choose that bring us happiness and joy and even protect us don't rely on genetic similarities to burden us with the troubles of the past masked in the guise of family.
Our loved ones are the real treasures with this affliction. They are the everyday saints on this earth and want us to be whole without unnecessary pain and hardship.
Focus on the good people in your life, they've earned sharing your present and future. Distance yourself from the people who weigh you down.
KingWithoutClothes [OP] 1 points 3y ago
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, this is much easier said than done. Like I said, friends is one thing but family members is much more complicated. I once tried to break off the relationship with my brother and the result was a giant fight with my parents who accused me of acting extremely immature. This is very difficult because I love my parents and I don't want to ruin my relationship with them. But it's also very tough to watch them refuse to see the toxicity of my brother. Maybe in 25 years when they will have passed away I might be able to truly distance myself from my brother but until then I somehow have to live with his intolerance and hostility and that's very challenging.
retrolental_morose 4 points 3y ago
I am the firstborn to a teen-aged mother. I have 2 younger brothers.
I never really felt wanted growing up, and as we grew it was clear the 2 sighted children were what my parents wanted. I was unplanned for and broken.
Annual trips to check my eyes were glammed up as family outings to the capital. I've never had vision to lose, but my abiding memory of those hospital visits is the waiting room, hearing my brothers laughing about the inability of almost all the patients to walk in a straight line. emotionally, I was very much separate from them - that type of mindset sickened me then, and now I'm just lucky not to be a part of it.
I left home very young, then left the country to go to college. I struck out on my own and have settled independently. I have a wife and child, a meaningful career and a house. Interestingly, before we moved here we spent some time living in the village where my blind wife grew up, and there we were constantly talked about rather than too, mostly back to her family.
Striking off and setting up in a totally different part of the country really helped. We may be known as a blind couple, and that's fine, but we aren't dragged down by the intolerance of my family nor the "she's the blind child" mentality of my wife's upbringing. I'm not sure that running away is necessarily the best way to deal with it. But we're happy.
I never really felt wanted growing up, and as we grew it was clear the 2 sighted children were what my parents wanted. I was unplanned for and broken.
Annual trips to check my eyes were glammed up as family outings to the capital. I've never had vision to lose, but my abiding memory of those hospital visits is the waiting room, hearing my brothers laughing about the inability of almost all the patients to walk in a straight line. emotionally, I was very much separate from them - that type of mindset sickened me then, and now I'm just lucky not to be a part of it.
I left home very young, then left the country to go to college. I struck out on my own and have settled independently. I have a wife and child, a meaningful career and a house. Interestingly, before we moved here we spent some time living in the village where my blind wife grew up, and there we were constantly talked about rather than too, mostly back to her family.
Striking off and setting up in a totally different part of the country really helped. We may be known as a blind couple, and that's fine, but we aren't dragged down by the intolerance of my family nor the "she's the blind child" mentality of my wife's upbringing. I'm not sure that running away is necessarily the best way to deal with it. But we're happy.
KingWithoutClothes [OP] 1 points 3y ago
Thank you for your response!
HDMILex 3 points 3y ago
Sigh. Same here (although not as bad as your situation).
Never got invited to places with my sibblings because I'm blind and they probably think I'm lesser than them. So it's them, and them me left out.
Now I don't really give a fuck as an adult (I don't live with them anymore and hardly talk to them), but it is what it is.
They'll still help me out with things if I ask sometimes but I'm not really included.
Only person I truly care about in my family is my mother. Otherwise fuck the rest of them.
This is probably why I have zero IRL friends too. It's really sad but it's reality. I just do my own thing now and trying to learn not to give a shit.
Never got invited to places with my sibblings because I'm blind and they probably think I'm lesser than them. So it's them, and them me left out.
Now I don't really give a fuck as an adult (I don't live with them anymore and hardly talk to them), but it is what it is.
They'll still help me out with things if I ask sometimes but I'm not really included.
Only person I truly care about in my family is my mother. Otherwise fuck the rest of them.
This is probably why I have zero IRL friends too. It's really sad but it's reality. I just do my own thing now and trying to learn not to give a shit.
quanin 3 points 3y ago
You're 31 and your brother's an asshole. You're well within your rights to tell him so. Just because you can't disown him doesn't mean you need to put up with his shit.
Also your parents deserve some of the blame for this. Hell, I'm a total and the older of two, and I'd be lying if I said my brother and I never got into fights. Quite a few of them were physical. That's what kids do, be they blind, sighted, whatever. He's punched me in the face, I've punched him in the face, life goes on. Your parents appearing to protect you from him probably solidified whatever his opinions of you were in his mind. Maybe he clocks you a good one and you hit him back. Worst thing that happens is you both go to your room until cooler heads prevail. Again, that happens.
Nothing I've said above is to defend your brother--yeah, he's kind of an ableist asshole. But that's learned behaviour, and at least part of it comes from things such as the knowledge that if he did haul off and drill you one, he wouldn't have gotten in trouble for knocking you on your ass--he'd have gotten in trouble because you're blind. I'm blind, and that would piss *me* off.
Also your parents deserve some of the blame for this. Hell, I'm a total and the older of two, and I'd be lying if I said my brother and I never got into fights. Quite a few of them were physical. That's what kids do, be they blind, sighted, whatever. He's punched me in the face, I've punched him in the face, life goes on. Your parents appearing to protect you from him probably solidified whatever his opinions of you were in his mind. Maybe he clocks you a good one and you hit him back. Worst thing that happens is you both go to your room until cooler heads prevail. Again, that happens.
Nothing I've said above is to defend your brother--yeah, he's kind of an ableist asshole. But that's learned behaviour, and at least part of it comes from things such as the knowledge that if he did haul off and drill you one, he wouldn't have gotten in trouble for knocking you on your ass--he'd have gotten in trouble because you're blind. I'm blind, and that would piss *me* off.
KingWithoutClothes [OP] 3 points 3y ago
Well, you don't seem to understand my medical situation. If you've already been blind as a child there was nothing to worry about for you. This was different for me. It made a ton of sense for my parents to protect me from his aggressions and violence. My eyes are/were extremely sensitive, not at least due to multiple surgeries I had to undergo as a child (including the long recoveries) and the very high glaucoma. A forceful punch in my face may have easily been enough to rob me the extremely precious eyesight I still had. For example all of my doctors explicitly told my parents that I couldn't play team sports because the danger of a soccer ball or something similar hitting me in the face and making me go completely blind was simply too high.
What shocked and hurt me was the fact that my brother obviously has no empathy for this. Like, if I had a sibling with glass bone disease and he told me that I have to treat him with great care because I might otherwise cause him permanent and irreparable damage to his body, this would make total sense to me. It would also make total sense that a dad or a mom would protect their vulnerable child from its needlessly aggressive sibling. However, my brother someone thinks he's the poor one because he didn't get to use me as his punching bag and cause me irreparable damage when he was angry at me.
What shocked and hurt me was the fact that my brother obviously has no empathy for this. Like, if I had a sibling with glass bone disease and he told me that I have to treat him with great care because I might otherwise cause him permanent and irreparable damage to his body, this would make total sense to me. It would also make total sense that a dad or a mom would protect their vulnerable child from its needlessly aggressive sibling. However, my brother someone thinks he's the poor one because he didn't get to use me as his punching bag and cause me irreparable damage when he was angry at me.
quanin 1 points 3y ago
Oh, I understand completely. I had more Glaucoma related surgeries by the time I was 3 than you can shake a cat at. Yes, that's just by the time I was 3--to say nothing of the surgeries I had after that. So I'm very familiar. You were still being extremely, extremely sheltered. If they'd spent as much time teaching your asshole brother to be less of an asshole as they did protecting you from him, he might have discovered that's not a thing that happens. But by your own OP your parents are to this day perfectly okay with it, and so long as that's true he's got no reason whatsoever to see it any differently, no matter how much you might wish he would.
hopesthoughts 1 points 3y ago
I was born blind. My mom is extremely overprotective. She doesn't understand that I'm 36 now lol. She's also a perfectionist and thinks I should do things a certain way. Thank God I don't live with her!
samarositz 1 points 3y ago
Hi Everyone
For starters, your brother is a (insert derogatory name here), and it sounds like it is not possible to totally avoid dealing with him. This is a somewhat painful admission but growing up, I treated other blind kids badly much of the time. I am writing specifically to thank you for your post. I read it over the weekend and it got me thinking that the reason for this is probably because I saw them struggling with things and being helped and did not want that for myself even though, I was just as blind if not more so than they were. I've changed. Somewhere around eighth grade things started to flip. I've had three girlfriends with visual impairments and have had several blind friends in my life in the past. Moreover, I became a service provider for students with disabilities. I apologize to any of those blind people out there I knew growing up. Given you were, like me, young, being bullied by another blind kid no less, was a painful experience. Second, I am sure I would have had a richer, rewarding, childhood had I been able to maintain friendships with other blind people back then.
Now, He's quite a bit older, but perhaps there's hope for your brother once he matures too. In the meantime it is okay for you to feel like cutting him out. Best of luck, and, again, thanks for your post.
bscross32 1 points 3y ago
Yeah that sounds really shitty. Me and my brother (sighted) used to get into fights sometimes. I recall throwing him through three windows in my time. Once through the big bay window in the den in our childhood house, and twice through the back door. He's the younger one but always was good about things. We have a good relationship now though.
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