Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Going to a dating event is one of the best ways to see how judgmental society really is. (self.Blind)
submitted by TrippingWithoutSight
Went to a 'dating' event yesterday evening just to prove a theory and have some fun. Turns out I was right. Only got 3 matches and all of them focused more on questions about my blindness than genuinely getting to know me.
Also anybody who looks for matches primarily based on looks instead of personality has dating figured out all wrong. I used to think my "type" was larger women. Then I met someone who's now quite dear to me (we're just friends) and that illusion got shattered and thrown right out of the window. By contrast, she's quite the opposite of large. And has an incredible personality.
But my point is that most of society judges us based on our disability and now who we truly are at the core. And honestly, that's really fucked up. Perhaps that explains why we scramble to keep the people who actually genuinely show an interest in us close to us and in our lives. Perhaps that is why we find it so difficult to let go of potentially toxic relationships that are not good for us. Perhaps that is also why so many of us people with physical disabilities are so fucking isolated and in so much emotional pain. And most of us just give up even trying.
Not looking for advice here, just felt I had to put this out there.
Stay strong, friends. We got this and we are all worth SO MUCH MORE than society tells us we are. Our disabilities are absolutely NOT what defines us.
We're going to be OK.
Also anybody who looks for matches primarily based on looks instead of personality has dating figured out all wrong. I used to think my "type" was larger women. Then I met someone who's now quite dear to me (we're just friends) and that illusion got shattered and thrown right out of the window. By contrast, she's quite the opposite of large. And has an incredible personality.
But my point is that most of society judges us based on our disability and now who we truly are at the core. And honestly, that's really fucked up. Perhaps that explains why we scramble to keep the people who actually genuinely show an interest in us close to us and in our lives. Perhaps that is why we find it so difficult to let go of potentially toxic relationships that are not good for us. Perhaps that is also why so many of us people with physical disabilities are so fucking isolated and in so much emotional pain. And most of us just give up even trying.
Not looking for advice here, just felt I had to put this out there.
Stay strong, friends. We got this and we are all worth SO MUCH MORE than society tells us we are. Our disabilities are absolutely NOT what defines us.
We're going to be OK.
Nandflash 21 points 3y ago
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think questions are normal. Figuring out blindness would be a pretty big part of getting to know you if they've never met a blind person before.
It's kind of important, and I don't think it would be wise for them to ignore your blindness and pretend that it doesn't exist.
It's kind of important, and I don't think it would be wise for them to ignore your blindness and pretend that it doesn't exist.
Sarinon 9 points 3y ago
I admit I'm a bit of an anomaly as I've mostly dated in poly circles, but I've always found dates are just curious. They ask questions so they know how to best engage me and tend to move on fairly quickly to the getting to know each other phase.
Perhaps it's just that poly people are a bit more accepting of differences being themselves so different. Or perhaps I'm just good at weeding out the bad ones online first.
I'm sorry you're struggling. Sometimes it be like that, but remember that your worth isn't determined by your relationship status. You are valuable and valued.
Perhaps it's just that poly people are a bit more accepting of differences being themselves so different. Or perhaps I'm just good at weeding out the bad ones online first.
I'm sorry you're struggling. Sometimes it be like that, but remember that your worth isn't determined by your relationship status. You are valuable and valued.
Marconius 3 points 3y ago
I second the higher acceptance levels of those of us who are non-monogamous and can communicate clearly. I went blind only 5 years ago, met my primary partner a few months after losing my vision, and we are now engaged plus still have healthy dating lives. My other partners have no qualms about me being blind plus I'm open and up front about it in all my dating profiles and posts. Could very well depend on your locale and general community. People are very open here in the SF Bay Area. Just have to keep trying and putting yourself out there with confidence.
Badassmotherfuckerer 5 points 3y ago
I wasn't there, so I don't know to what extent they were asking about your blindness. But for me personally, it would make sense for a possible partner (and honestly preferable) to be curious and try to start understanding my blindness. My partner has to understand what my experience through life with this disability is, so I hope they try to learn about it. Plus it makes decent talking points. And honestly I didn't know much about blindness and how people do things without sight before I started going through my own sight loss, so I would naturally be curious too.
But if people are bordering past friendly curiosity and just being rude by treating you like a sideshow oddity or doing that "you're so brave" shit, that's definitely not cool.
For me personally, ask about my visual impairment all day, I'll talk about it just as long and make jokes about it too. As long as people treat me like a normal person otherwise, and not anything less, then I'm fine with it. Again, that's just me.
But if people are bordering past friendly curiosity and just being rude by treating you like a sideshow oddity or doing that "you're so brave" shit, that's definitely not cool.
For me personally, ask about my visual impairment all day, I'll talk about it just as long and make jokes about it too. As long as people treat me like a normal person otherwise, and not anything less, then I'm fine with it. Again, that's just me.
ratadeacero 3 points 3y ago
Of course the questions are about your disability. It's the first thing they see and are curious. You shouldn't think of it as judgemental but more of curiosity. Answer the questions and let your personality shine through. And although relationships are the same with blind people, it can be different to. Your blind partner is never driving to meet you somewhere, movies are less interesting for the visually impaired partner, etc. It's little things in the big scheme if your with the one you love, but these little things do matter and questions are the first part. Source: married a blind woman.
TrippingWithoutSight [OP] 1 points 3y ago
and so why did one of my exes and also my best friend hardly question my blindness? However they referenced it in the context to which it was most appropriate
ratadeacero 3 points 3y ago
Hey. I'm just calling it like it is for most people. Most of the general public doesn't have an experience with blind people. It's ok if you don't like my answer but I was trying to give sincere feedback.
vvxrd 2 points 3y ago
Okay not OP of this comment but I think I have a logical answer. In regards to your best friend, they probably found out a lot of information about your disability indirectly through spending time with you which eliminates the need to ask direct questions about them. This should be the same for your exes.
It’s different for a dating event. I feel that asking questions directly about your disability is appropriate in this situation. The purpose of these events are to find someone to go on future dates with and maybe even start a serious relationship. If I were a sighted person who came across a visually impaired person at a dating event, (I’m legally blind btw) I would want to ask direct questions about that visually impaired person’s disability so I could figure out how that would impact a potential future relationship. Asking questions also helps appropriately respect and accommodate this visually impaired person on any future ventures we have together.
All in all, I don’t think you should write those people that you talked to at that event as bad people just because they asked direct questions about your sight.
It’s different for a dating event. I feel that asking questions directly about your disability is appropriate in this situation. The purpose of these events are to find someone to go on future dates with and maybe even start a serious relationship. If I were a sighted person who came across a visually impaired person at a dating event, (I’m legally blind btw) I would want to ask direct questions about that visually impaired person’s disability so I could figure out how that would impact a potential future relationship. Asking questions also helps appropriately respect and accommodate this visually impaired person on any future ventures we have together.
All in all, I don’t think you should write those people that you talked to at that event as bad people just because they asked direct questions about your sight.
TrippingWithoutSight [OP] 1 points 3y ago
I do not see them as 'bad people'. I see them as wanting to be curious but also allowing their egos to ruin a potential great possibility based on their judgement of a disability rather than true self. I now see this as a true blessing in disguise.
8i8oio 3 points 3y ago
Sigh. Incredibly true. I’d stopped dating when I couldn’t drive. I wasn’t comfortable with strangers picking me up, and I couldn’t afford rides while I was paying off the failed eye surgery. I was really down and didn’t fit in that world any more. I didn’t know where I fit.
My confidence went up a couple years later, and I dated some friends I’d picked up along the way. Even then though... there were still explanations or re-telling why my eyes are broken. Ppl forget. In a way it’s a good thing... but... also hard to repeat all the time.
Then this one guy, didn’t make any of the usual comments, didn’t hesitate telling me when there was a step in the road... after a few dates I asked why he was so okay with this? He said, “oh, didn’t I tell you about my mom?”
She isn’t blind, but he grew up with the best outlook ever. Saw her become a popular author. He believed in me in this casual, beautiful way I’ve never heard of before or since. That I can’t even describe. But you did it, that social hesitancy and awkwardness. The focus on the disability instead of person. Ty for your words and encouragement for all of us! Really nice to hear.
My confidence went up a couple years later, and I dated some friends I’d picked up along the way. Even then though... there were still explanations or re-telling why my eyes are broken. Ppl forget. In a way it’s a good thing... but... also hard to repeat all the time.
Then this one guy, didn’t make any of the usual comments, didn’t hesitate telling me when there was a step in the road... after a few dates I asked why he was so okay with this? He said, “oh, didn’t I tell you about my mom?”
She isn’t blind, but he grew up with the best outlook ever. Saw her become a popular author. He believed in me in this casual, beautiful way I’ve never heard of before or since. That I can’t even describe. But you did it, that social hesitancy and awkwardness. The focus on the disability instead of person. Ty for your words and encouragement for all of us! Really nice to hear.
bscross32 2 points 3y ago
I think this behavior from others helps us at least in one way. We learn to see red flags and break off associations with people who throw them out.
TrippingWithoutSight [OP] 1 points 3y ago
I'll take it as a blessing then :)
oncenightvaler 1 points 3y ago
I am age 27, and have never had a serious relationship, and totally blind. I often blame my lack of a girlfriend partially on still living at home and not being employed, although I have finished university with a degree in English Literature.
A few years ago I met two young couples in my Bible study group, and since my feeling of loneliness increased. I mean, it's not like my sighted siblings are in relationships either, but I just have this feeling that if I wish I were more independent and more successful, and on the other hand, I know three other blind people who are also single and slightly older than me.
I had an online relationship but slowly you realize how unreal those can be, especially after the person out of nowhere decided to ghost me for three months, I kept holding out hope that she still wanted our relationship since we had been close and despite our age differences and the fact she was an ocean away I had never felt closer to anyone, but this relationship was not to be.
I just feel generally unmotivated to do anything after this recent unofficial break up on her part. The other week I was saying how I wanted to find one of these speed date events, not sure now what I even have to offer.
A few years ago I met two young couples in my Bible study group, and since my feeling of loneliness increased. I mean, it's not like my sighted siblings are in relationships either, but I just have this feeling that if I wish I were more independent and more successful, and on the other hand, I know three other blind people who are also single and slightly older than me.
I had an online relationship but slowly you realize how unreal those can be, especially after the person out of nowhere decided to ghost me for three months, I kept holding out hope that she still wanted our relationship since we had been close and despite our age differences and the fact she was an ocean away I had never felt closer to anyone, but this relationship was not to be.
I just feel generally unmotivated to do anything after this recent unofficial break up on her part. The other week I was saying how I wanted to find one of these speed date events, not sure now what I even have to offer.
turbotub 1 points 3y ago
not if you tell them you qualified as a masseur and write poetry inspired by Elizabethan drama.
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