Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Experience of a sighted person engaged to a blind person (self.Blind)
submitted by mantolwen
Hi all,
My fiance u/halfblindandcurious went out to get a curry today. As is typical, every time we go out to a restaurant the server always assumes that I will be the one doing all the ordering, always the one paying. Every time, they always talk to me, not him. It's just a little thing but wow, it's annoying. I think if we were both normally-sighted it would probably be the other way around as he's male and I'm female.
There are so many little things in a restaurant that are not geared towards sighted people, and if I wasn't with my fiance I would never notice. Like having to wave at the server to get their attention. Or how they just look at you to wait for your order - usually I just say Alan's name so he's alerted it's his turn, because we're probably not coming back here anyway, but one time I'd love to just say nothing.
We used to go regularly to this one cafe for months and months. One time I went in their on my own, and the person who always serves us asked where the person I care for was! I was actually shocked. I was happy to correct her that he was my boyfriend.
Any of you have similar stories?
My fiance u/halfblindandcurious went out to get a curry today. As is typical, every time we go out to a restaurant the server always assumes that I will be the one doing all the ordering, always the one paying. Every time, they always talk to me, not him. It's just a little thing but wow, it's annoying. I think if we were both normally-sighted it would probably be the other way around as he's male and I'm female.
There are so many little things in a restaurant that are not geared towards sighted people, and if I wasn't with my fiance I would never notice. Like having to wave at the server to get their attention. Or how they just look at you to wait for your order - usually I just say Alan's name so he's alerted it's his turn, because we're probably not coming back here anyway, but one time I'd love to just say nothing.
We used to go regularly to this one cafe for months and months. One time I went in their on my own, and the person who always serves us asked where the person I care for was! I was actually shocked. I was happy to correct her that he was my boyfriend.
Any of you have similar stories?
paneulo 9 points 3y ago
Happens all the time to us as well. Generally my wife refuses to answer for me, and I will answer instead, only referring to myself in the third-person as well. Smart folks get it, and the dumb ones just assume I'm an idiot, which is what they seem to have assumed already, so no harm done. :)
codeplaysleep 9 points 3y ago
My 17yr old and I went to the grocery store late last night to get some NyQuil so the kiddo (who has a horrible head cold) could sleep. We went through the self-checkout and it came up that it needed an age verification.
The cashier that was watching over the self-checkout stations came over to us. I was standing there with my cane (I'm over 40 and I look it) and he just stood there looking at us *forever*, as if he was trying to decide if he should card my 17yr old or just let me buy the damn cold medicine.
I guess being blind means I can't consent to my almost-adult making such a dangerous and morally questionable purchase.
The cashier that was watching over the self-checkout stations came over to us. I was standing there with my cane (I'm over 40 and I look it) and he just stood there looking at us *forever*, as if he was trying to decide if he should card my 17yr old or just let me buy the damn cold medicine.
I guess being blind means I can't consent to my almost-adult making such a dangerous and morally questionable purchase.
U5efull 8 points 3y ago
might be good to cross post this /r/Waiters/
DrillInstructorJan 6 points 3y ago
It doesn't help that I'm tiny and he's really tall. I've had buddies over from the USA who have said it's impossible to get served in a British pub, I just say try it without being able to make eye contact with anyone and barely being able to see over the bar even if you could see. Bar etiquette here is crazy and it leads to me constantly being in alcohol debt to everyone I know.
The need to vocalise stuff is constant, and I get a lot of really surprising hugs and I wish people would say something, but I guess it's better than not getting hugs!
The need to vocalise stuff is constant, and I get a lot of really surprising hugs and I wish people would say something, but I guess it's better than not getting hugs!
HalfBlindAndCurious 2 points 3y ago
Hi, the fiance here. She's average hight and I'm relatively tall and broadn pubs are hit and miss for us. We just make sure to keep going back to the good ones who treat us like everyone else. I enjoy drinking craft beer and the people who work in the Craft Beer scene are usually quite open-minded so that makes it easier.
BenignPilcrow 5 points 3y ago
When we were still dating, my husband, who is visually impaired, and I went to a museum. While we were paying for admission, an employee asked me if I wanted a wheelchair for him. WTF?
Just a few weeks ago, in the hospital for the birth of our child, a nurse asked me if it was okay if he held the baby. He's the father, why the hell would I have had a child with him if I didn't trust him to hold his own son?
Just a few weeks ago, in the hospital for the birth of our child, a nurse asked me if it was okay if he held the baby. He's the father, why the hell would I have had a child with him if I didn't trust him to hold his own son?
HalfBlindAndCurious 1 points 3y ago
Aw that sucks. Did you have the energy to put them streight or did your husband do that?
BenignPilcrow 2 points 3y ago
I was a little out of it, but I think I said something along the lines of "Why shouldn't he?"
bradley22 5 points 3y ago
This is very common sadly.
I’ve had my nan talk to people for me when I was younger, it happens from time to time now but not as much because I go out on my own.
I’ve also had people ask me if I’d like to use the lift and when I say no I’ll use the stairs, they insist I use the lift.
I’ve also had taxi drivers ask if my nan is coming with me, fortunately, they don’t refuse to drive me when I tell them no.
I’ve had my nan talk to people for me when I was younger, it happens from time to time now but not as much because I go out on my own.
I’ve also had people ask me if I’d like to use the lift and when I say no I’ll use the stairs, they insist I use the lift.
I’ve also had taxi drivers ask if my nan is coming with me, fortunately, they don’t refuse to drive me when I tell them no.
Arinvar 5 points 3y ago
My wife is blind. On our honeymoon people thought I was her brother and I was "sweet for taking her on a cruise". Not sure how, there were plenty of PDAs. Won't be the last time something like happens, I'm sure.
People often look to me first but I'm generally pretty quiet. I smile and look at my wife and she always says hello before I do. Takes over the conversation pretty quickly whether it's ordering, shopping, or just meeting new people.
People often look to me first but I'm generally pretty quiet. I smile and look at my wife and she always says hello before I do. Takes over the conversation pretty quickly whether it's ordering, shopping, or just meeting new people.
CuteHalfling 5 points 3y ago
I have a close relative who cannot see. They treat them like a child. Do they want this? They act like they aren’t there. One time when shopping they tried to get my sibling to show their ID for alcohol. Even though the blind person was clearly decades over the ages of consent. It’s just rudeness
BlindGuyNW 4 points 3y ago
I feel you there. I'm the blind one and always get mildly annoyed whenever servers talk to the people I'm with. I've been asked about carers before as well and just feel baffled and sad at the ignorance.
Superfreq2 3 points 3y ago
I think people (particularly those in certain fields where silent communication is common) just clam up and don't know what to do. I try not to blame them but yeah, it's very frustrating.
And when the huge majority of obviously disabled people they see are not that independent, often elderly ETC, it's only natural that they would go with what they know. They don't know you yet as a person so they aren't aware of your capabilities, and when assuming proficiency will often get them criticized just as much for being callus, their damned if they do and damned if they don't, which is allot to put on an often already overworked employee.
We are as a society in the "developed" world also becoming worse and worse at communicating in person, particularly younger people. So employers have fewer and fewer people to choose from that still know how.
From my experience probably 95% of the people making these assumptions and mistakes would be mortified if they really knew what they were conveying by their actions and don't mean any harm, so it's really an education thing, and that's why I have sympathy for them that tempers my annoyance.
But yeah, some days I just want to strangle someone after the third instance of it happening in a short amount of time and feeling like no one would understand if I vented about it, but that's quite rare.
And when the huge majority of obviously disabled people they see are not that independent, often elderly ETC, it's only natural that they would go with what they know. They don't know you yet as a person so they aren't aware of your capabilities, and when assuming proficiency will often get them criticized just as much for being callus, their damned if they do and damned if they don't, which is allot to put on an often already overworked employee.
We are as a society in the "developed" world also becoming worse and worse at communicating in person, particularly younger people. So employers have fewer and fewer people to choose from that still know how.
From my experience probably 95% of the people making these assumptions and mistakes would be mortified if they really knew what they were conveying by their actions and don't mean any harm, so it's really an education thing, and that's why I have sympathy for them that tempers my annoyance.
But yeah, some days I just want to strangle someone after the third instance of it happening in a short amount of time and feeling like no one would understand if I vented about it, but that's quite rare.
blind_cowboy 2 points 3y ago
We have some awesome stories and my wife and I being the sarcastic types usually have fun with it. She is the better story teller though so I’ll let her elaborate. If I want to be sure I am treated normal I just go to a gun store or range. Once they see you know guns and gun safety they don’t care who you are.
chicklitter 2 points 3y ago
Wife here. Like everyone else, we deal with waiters speaking to me rather than blind\_cowboy all the time. Usually the first time it happens, I'll just say, "What did you want, honey?" To gently try to get the point across. If that doesn't work and the waiter still continues to only speak to me, then I won't say anything, just give a very pointed look and let my husband speak for himself.
Just after we'd first started dating, he'd warned me that stuff like that could happen, but I honestly didn't believe him. I mean, he's blind. So what? But we'd gone to Walmart and were walking out holding hands and I noticed like five people staring at us. I commented on it to him. Him: "I told you, people think that blind people don't date or have love lives." Me: "That's what it is? I thought they were wondering what the skinny dude was doing with the fat chick."
We've had more people than I can count assume I'm his caretaker, from nosey neighbors to a chick at Smart Cuts and more. It's a very weird phenomenon that I simply do not understand, other than people see weird stereotypes of blind people on TV and in the movies and have never (somehow) seen an actual blind person in real life.
Just after we'd first started dating, he'd warned me that stuff like that could happen, but I honestly didn't believe him. I mean, he's blind. So what? But we'd gone to Walmart and were walking out holding hands and I noticed like five people staring at us. I commented on it to him. Him: "I told you, people think that blind people don't date or have love lives." Me: "That's what it is? I thought they were wondering what the skinny dude was doing with the fat chick."
We've had more people than I can count assume I'm his caretaker, from nosey neighbors to a chick at Smart Cuts and more. It's a very weird phenomenon that I simply do not understand, other than people see weird stereotypes of blind people on TV and in the movies and have never (somehow) seen an actual blind person in real life.
brass444 1 points 3y ago
My husband (who lost his vision about 5 years) and I can be a bit cheeky. But neither of us could imagine the reactions he gets from others.
Waiters and Receptionists: Another sighted spouse told me he excused himself to the restroom. I’m telling you in freaks out some people. Once receptionist in a doctors office said she still needed me to ... give him back his credit card.
One waiter asked me if he wanted anything to drink. I held a finger up, said “one sec” then turned to him and asked him. He said “yes a beer and asked what was on tap.” I turned back to the waiter and asked what they had on tap ... He got the idea. Ha!
There are what we call “freezers” people who throw themselves against the wall or stand perfectly still when he approaches. If I’m with him I say “he doesn’t bite”. If I’m not, he often taps them with his white cane until they make a noise in panic.
Loud/slow talkers: He laughs that he feels like people think he’s deaf and blind. I had to finally stop head of Critical care from raising his voice every time he came in his hospital room. Was holding his hand once and man approached me and asked (at sporting event with others around) “Is he blind?” 😐 I replied “Yes, but he’s not deaf.”
The worst may be the strangers who come up to him in public places and want to lay their hands on him and pray for his vision to come back. Or those that tell us we aren’t “praying right.”
Waiters and Receptionists: Another sighted spouse told me he excused himself to the restroom. I’m telling you in freaks out some people. Once receptionist in a doctors office said she still needed me to ... give him back his credit card.
One waiter asked me if he wanted anything to drink. I held a finger up, said “one sec” then turned to him and asked him. He said “yes a beer and asked what was on tap.” I turned back to the waiter and asked what they had on tap ... He got the idea. Ha!
There are what we call “freezers” people who throw themselves against the wall or stand perfectly still when he approaches. If I’m with him I say “he doesn’t bite”. If I’m not, he often taps them with his white cane until they make a noise in panic.
Loud/slow talkers: He laughs that he feels like people think he’s deaf and blind. I had to finally stop head of Critical care from raising his voice every time he came in his hospital room. Was holding his hand once and man approached me and asked (at sporting event with others around) “Is he blind?” 😐 I replied “Yes, but he’s not deaf.”
The worst may be the strangers who come up to him in public places and want to lay their hands on him and pray for his vision to come back. Or those that tell us we aren’t “praying right.”
TwistyTurret 2 points 3y ago
I’m sighted and my boyfriend is blind. When someone asks me what he would like to eat, I don’t answer them, and I look at him as if I am expecting him to answer. Then I just wait until he answers. This gives the waiter the clue that he speaks for himself and that they need to talk directly to him just like I am doing. If my boyfriend doesn’t realize they are talking to him, I will say his name to him in a question tone so he knows they are asking him and not me.
blackberrybunny 2 points 3y ago
It's maddening, isn't it? The majority of sighted people don't know anyone who is blind. So they have no idea how to act. All they know is the b.s. they've seen in movies or on tv.
bondolo 2 points 3y ago
Your experience is unfortunately not uncommon. Happens all the time and has been for more than 30 years my wife and I have been together. Assuming disabled people do not have personal autonomy is a problem that is not specific to blindness. Expect to see it even in situations such as hospitals where you'd assume the people would know better. The important part is that you clearly defer to the disabled person. In a restaurant that may be "XXXX, what would you like?" or, in a medical office directly say that they should address XXXX who makes their own medical decisions.
AmAsabat 1 points 3y ago
I’m pretty hot on not allowing anyone to talk for me. When dating someone new (it happens too often but that’s another story) I got to places I already know and who know me. Firstly I like to know what I’m eating and my favourite places know me well enough to describe the contents of the plate to me in location terms, and if it’s someone new I like to trust them a little more before just eating anything (sad lesson you can ask about some time).
When its somewhere new and I’m with a friend or family they know to point the server at me first and say “amasabat” what would you like so the server knows I’m master of my own destiny. Often I’ll order for the whole table just to mess with their heads and my favourite is to order 5 meals when there are only four people at the table...it’s hilarious to listen to the server checking with one of the group if I know there is only 4 people sat.
When its somewhere new and I’m with a friend or family they know to point the server at me first and say “amasabat” what would you like so the server knows I’m master of my own destiny. Often I’ll order for the whole table just to mess with their heads and my favourite is to order 5 meals when there are only four people at the table...it’s hilarious to listen to the server checking with one of the group if I know there is only 4 people sat.
samarositz 1 points 3y ago
Sadly, this happens to me so often that I don't even like going out with sighted people. As you can imagine, this has had a negative effect on my dating life and socialization generally. I actually feel sorry for the sighted person that I am with with because dealing with the goodness of servers and the like is not something that they should have to deal with. On another point someone else made, agreed, craft beer workers tend to be easier than most.
Laser_Lens_4 1 points 3y ago
This happens constantly. It's never been anything particularly egregious so I always shrug it off. Once I start talking and make it painfully obvious that I'm not stupid they gear their attention toward me without further problems. I did get the urge to stab someone for about a second when they asked if my dad was my carer but a snarky reply fixed that situation right up.
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