Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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As a sighted SO, how have you dealt with your partner losing their vision? (self.Blind)
submitted by serconian
How has your relationship fared?
PookyBot 9 points 3y ago
It's been over ten years since he was diagnosed with Usher 2a and we were recently married at the time. It was awful. I don't remember a lot of it vividly but I remember weeping in the shower.
The doctors he saw were woefully ill-equipped to help a 24-year-old man deal with the psychological fallout of such a crushing diagnosis. "You have a very small field of vision and it's going to get progressively smaller and it's my lunch break now so have a good day." At least, that's what it sounded like to me.
Nobody even told him he shouldn't drive anymore. He stopped driving on his own but he drove his car around in a snit and scared me to death one night because he had gone missing. I contacted the DMV and they sent him a letter to come in and be examined because he had been reported as an unsafe driver. It was heavy handed of me to do that but it made me sick to think about him being on the road. He didn't go to the DMV and his license expired, later to be traded in for a state ID.
Today, we are still together and we have a sweet little girl together. He's a sahd and I am the breadwinner. He hasn't worked since he lost his job for being visually impaired in 2010. Yes, lawsuit material, but we didn't have the money and that place was a shit hole.
He's pretty socially isolated and cannot take our daughter anywhere by himself because she's only 4 and likes to run away.
I love him to bits. Somehow I forget all the time that his eyes are broken, sometimes to his detriment when I wander away in a store, distracted. I decided a long time ago that being with the one you love is far more important than the his ability to drive or get a job.
Whether we know it or not, I believe women enter into marriage as part of a business arrangement and if it doesn't look like the man can hold up his end of the deal (breadwinner), it doesn't look like a good idea anymore. I had to examine my own feelings about the subject and came to that grim conclusion. The world is just not built for women to be the breadwinner of the family and it makes sense that we would want to protect ourselves.
The swapped dynamic of our relationship still causes us a lot of stress since both our sets of parents were super traditional.
The doctors he saw were woefully ill-equipped to help a 24-year-old man deal with the psychological fallout of such a crushing diagnosis. "You have a very small field of vision and it's going to get progressively smaller and it's my lunch break now so have a good day." At least, that's what it sounded like to me.
Nobody even told him he shouldn't drive anymore. He stopped driving on his own but he drove his car around in a snit and scared me to death one night because he had gone missing. I contacted the DMV and they sent him a letter to come in and be examined because he had been reported as an unsafe driver. It was heavy handed of me to do that but it made me sick to think about him being on the road. He didn't go to the DMV and his license expired, later to be traded in for a state ID.
Today, we are still together and we have a sweet little girl together. He's a sahd and I am the breadwinner. He hasn't worked since he lost his job for being visually impaired in 2010. Yes, lawsuit material, but we didn't have the money and that place was a shit hole.
He's pretty socially isolated and cannot take our daughter anywhere by himself because she's only 4 and likes to run away.
I love him to bits. Somehow I forget all the time that his eyes are broken, sometimes to his detriment when I wander away in a store, distracted. I decided a long time ago that being with the one you love is far more important than the his ability to drive or get a job.
Whether we know it or not, I believe women enter into marriage as part of a business arrangement and if it doesn't look like the man can hold up his end of the deal (breadwinner), it doesn't look like a good idea anymore. I had to examine my own feelings about the subject and came to that grim conclusion. The world is just not built for women to be the breadwinner of the family and it makes sense that we would want to protect ourselves.
The swapped dynamic of our relationship still causes us a lot of stress since both our sets of parents were super traditional.
x0skeleton 7 points 3y ago
Thank you for this beautiful, heartbreaking, honest comment and for sticking by your husband. I'm not blind, but severely visually impaired, and I think eye doctors have the worst bedside manners of any kind of doctor I've ever dealt with, so the "You have a very small field of vision and it's going to get progressively smaller and it's my lunch break now so have a good day" really resonated with me. Hang in there! <3
PookyBot 1 points 3y ago
Thank you!
74bpa 4 points 3y ago
I don't want to sound flippant about your situation or challenges because I know every situation is different... But maybe if you haven't seen something different you don't know what might be possible?
My parents are both (fully) blind and have been since youth, and they had 5 kids. Nothing bad ever happened with us when we were out with our parents because we were taught from the very start that running away wasn't allowed. Maybe it's worth thinking about the way you communicate with your daughter? My 2 year old niece knows she isn't allowed to walk around outside without holding hands, for example. At 4 your daughter could definitely understand.
My parents and many other blind people also work, whether from home or outside the home. Maybe if he found something that he could do for work it would help with the isolation?
I'm sure the age that he lost his vision didn't make things easy, and I know it would be really hard to gain confidence. I just wonder if he maybe has a tougher or lonelier life than he needs to because of lack of confidence? Please don't think I'm trying to criticise you or saying you guys aren't doing it "right", that's not my intent!
My parents are both (fully) blind and have been since youth, and they had 5 kids. Nothing bad ever happened with us when we were out with our parents because we were taught from the very start that running away wasn't allowed. Maybe it's worth thinking about the way you communicate with your daughter? My 2 year old niece knows she isn't allowed to walk around outside without holding hands, for example. At 4 your daughter could definitely understand.
My parents and many other blind people also work, whether from home or outside the home. Maybe if he found something that he could do for work it would help with the isolation?
I'm sure the age that he lost his vision didn't make things easy, and I know it would be really hard to gain confidence. I just wonder if he maybe has a tougher or lonelier life than he needs to because of lack of confidence? Please don't think I'm trying to criticise you or saying you guys aren't doing it "right", that's not my intent!
PookyBot 1 points 3y ago
I agree that he should be looking for work. I've bugged him about it a lot. I feel that he isn't adapting to vision loss well. Maybe when our daughter is in school full time he might be more comfortable with working.
Our daughter obeys most of the time- until she decides to do something funny or be bad or whatever. She's still way too little to understand the stakes of pulling a typical little kid stunt and he doesn't want to risk it.
Our daughter obeys most of the time- until she decides to do something funny or be bad or whatever. She's still way too little to understand the stakes of pulling a typical little kid stunt and he doesn't want to risk it.
sk1ttl3s 5 points 3y ago
Not completely related as my husband had never had vision
I cried. I cried hard when it became reality. I knew he had eye problems, he knew he had eye problems his whole life, but was really never aware (I guess this is the best word I can pick). His family was very absent, and basically used him for the payday. So I never knew just how bad it was.
The first appointment was scary, his social security was up for renewal and I was 19 and never had really done this with someone else before, so I sat quietly in the corner as he read the chart confidently, the doctor brought out a different chart one I've never seen before. Neither had he. He failed it miserably, his confidence faded. I wept. This was my weakest moment ever, it was like everything I had hoped for in my 19 years was gone, empty.
I can't imagine how I made him feel. But he comforted me and we talked we got a diagnosis and I went to research it would never get better. He will forever be limited.
We have new goals, a whole different world now. We've been married 9 years in June (together 16yrs) we have 4 daughters and he works part time. Most of our relationship he was a SAHD but had recently felt it necessary to broaden his horizons. I'm so proud of him. I rarely think about how our life 'could've' been because really our life is good. It's all about perspective.
I cried. I cried hard when it became reality. I knew he had eye problems, he knew he had eye problems his whole life, but was really never aware (I guess this is the best word I can pick). His family was very absent, and basically used him for the payday. So I never knew just how bad it was.
The first appointment was scary, his social security was up for renewal and I was 19 and never had really done this with someone else before, so I sat quietly in the corner as he read the chart confidently, the doctor brought out a different chart one I've never seen before. Neither had he. He failed it miserably, his confidence faded. I wept. This was my weakest moment ever, it was like everything I had hoped for in my 19 years was gone, empty.
I can't imagine how I made him feel. But he comforted me and we talked we got a diagnosis and I went to research it would never get better. He will forever be limited.
We have new goals, a whole different world now. We've been married 9 years in June (together 16yrs) we have 4 daughters and he works part time. Most of our relationship he was a SAHD but had recently felt it necessary to broaden his horizons. I'm so proud of him. I rarely think about how our life 'could've' been because really our life is good. It's all about perspective.
PookyBot 3 points 3y ago
I watched my husband fail vision tests too. I didn't cry at the time (that came later!). It was more of a "wow.....shit" feeling. The assistant kept explaining the test to him, thinking he wasn't clicking when the lights appeared because he didn't know what clicking was. That was an experience.
So glad you posted. I know I'm not the only one with a blind husband. But I'm the only one I know!
So glad you posted. I know I'm not the only one with a blind husband. But I'm the only one I know!
sk1ttl3s 2 points 3y ago
When I say I cried, it sounds horrible. But really I cried because I had no idea. I had always asked him what things looked like for him, but he was never able to explain it to me. So I cried because I never gave him the benefit of knowing his limitations. I cried because I should've been doing more for him (or so I felt). I cried because I never understood how bad his eyes really were until that moment and I felt awful that I didn't give him more, I expected too much.
I was also 19 and had no idea what was in store. I just knew I loved him. And now, I wouldn't have changed that moment if I could. I believe this is the appointment where he knew I was in it, all in. Regardless of his 'ailments'. He knew that I cared so much that I cried. I know it seems heartless but, I cried from my heart not just because of what was lost, but because I felt awful for not supporting him more.
I was also 19 and had no idea what was in store. I just knew I loved him. And now, I wouldn't have changed that moment if I could. I believe this is the appointment where he knew I was in it, all in. Regardless of his 'ailments'. He knew that I cared so much that I cried. I know it seems heartless but, I cried from my heart not just because of what was lost, but because I felt awful for not supporting him more.
Nixon154 4 points 3y ago
I actually knew that my partner was legally blind and could potentially lose her vision over time before we started dating.
I settled into the little things that I would have to do such as driving her to appointments when she needed, always looking ahead for obstacles when we were walking together and she wasn't using her cane, making sure that when I move things in the house I place them back where I found them etc... These things have become automatic at this point and I don't really think about them anymore. Even the two cats we have make sure to meow when they are around her so she knows they are there.
It has always been there in our relationship so I can't really speak to the experience of finding out that they will lose their vision but I know I can speak to what it is like to see how strong she is and how we will get through anything as a team.
I settled into the little things that I would have to do such as driving her to appointments when she needed, always looking ahead for obstacles when we were walking together and she wasn't using her cane, making sure that when I move things in the house I place them back where I found them etc... These things have become automatic at this point and I don't really think about them anymore. Even the two cats we have make sure to meow when they are around her so she knows they are there.
It has always been there in our relationship so I can't really speak to the experience of finding out that they will lose their vision but I know I can speak to what it is like to see how strong she is and how we will get through anything as a team.
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