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Advice on chores — I’m sighted, partner has progressive vision loss (self.Blind)
submitted by AceyAceyAcey
My partner and I are both sighted, but he was diagnosed with a progressive vision condition, and I’ve been observing that he’s getting worse at normal house cleaning chores, such as washing dishes or counter tops, because he doesn’t see the dirt he’s missing. I’ve tried talking with him about it a few times, and he either gets defensive, or says he’ll pay closer attention next time, but the issues continue.
Other things related to his vision he has no problem being open and discussing with me, like he’ll ask me to read things on TV that are too small, or street signs that are far away, so it’s not an issue of his overall esteem or identity as a sighted person. It’s only when it comes to cleaning that he gets defensive, perhaps bc he views himself as a neater/cleaner person than I am, and historically this is true for us. And I’m struggling with having to pick up the slack bc I’m used to relying on him being cleaner than me — I’m resenting having to double-check every dish or pot before I use it, or asking him to clean the toilet and he gets the inside of the bowl but leaves the dirt caked on the outside. I don’t really know what we can do to swap chores around that wouldn’t leave me with way more than him, or wouldn’t have me basically “supervising” his chores or approving them after he’s completed them (which is not a dynamic I want).
So, do y’all have any advice for me, a sighted person living with someone with progressive vision loss, where we’re having issues with chores? If there’s a better sub for this, do please let me know. Thanks in advance!
Other things related to his vision he has no problem being open and discussing with me, like he’ll ask me to read things on TV that are too small, or street signs that are far away, so it’s not an issue of his overall esteem or identity as a sighted person. It’s only when it comes to cleaning that he gets defensive, perhaps bc he views himself as a neater/cleaner person than I am, and historically this is true for us. And I’m struggling with having to pick up the slack bc I’m used to relying on him being cleaner than me — I’m resenting having to double-check every dish or pot before I use it, or asking him to clean the toilet and he gets the inside of the bowl but leaves the dirt caked on the outside. I don’t really know what we can do to swap chores around that wouldn’t leave me with way more than him, or wouldn’t have me basically “supervising” his chores or approving them after he’s completed them (which is not a dynamic I want).
So, do y’all have any advice for me, a sighted person living with someone with progressive vision loss, where we’re having issues with chores? If there’s a better sub for this, do please let me know. Thanks in advance!
CloudyBeep 4 points 3y ago
He needs to receive training in how to do chores nonvisually, but you can't force him to receive this training. I suggest that you emphasize to him that you don't want to have to check he has done his chores correctly as if he were a little kid who needed to be supervised, and that you have enough chores of your own. Even though you might be angry, you shouldn't be angry when you speak to him because he'll probably become even more defensive. I don't think you should try to change what chores he does because he might be even worse at chores he does less regularly, and it's not a solution to the problem.
AceyAceyAcey [OP] 2 points 3y ago
Thanks, others have mentioned such training too. He has an appointment with his eye doctor in a week or two, so I'll mention to him before that so he can maybe ask that doctor about such training.
I'm usually more matter of fact when I mention things he missed, like "I had to rewash the pot for my lunch", or "I got the back of the toilet since I don't think you did when you did the toilet". I think the training would definitely help him with things like not doing the cleaning well enough, but I think I also need to be more explicit -- in the past if I asked him to clean the toilet he'd see the back needs it too so he'd get it while he was at it, and now he doesn't see it so I think I should just mention it when I ask.
I'm usually more matter of fact when I mention things he missed, like "I had to rewash the pot for my lunch", or "I got the back of the toilet since I don't think you did when you did the toilet". I think the training would definitely help him with things like not doing the cleaning well enough, but I think I also need to be more explicit -- in the past if I asked him to clean the toilet he'd see the back needs it too so he'd get it while he was at it, and now he doesn't see it so I think I should just mention it when I ask.
CloudyBeep 2 points 3y ago
Ophthalmologists tend to know surprisingly little about aspects of blindness beyond the medical, so you would be much wiser to contact blindness organizations in your area.
AceyAceyAcey [OP] 2 points 3y ago
I think he'd be *really* unlikely to contact them, I'm sure the denial would kick in if I mentioned that. I think if I send him to his eye doc and they say they don't know, or if they tell him to contact a blindness org, then he might do it.
here_comes_thesun 3 points 3y ago
I can see how this could be challenging for someone who used to have sight and then later lost some or all of it. Your partner is probably used to doing things in a sighted way. ie. looking at the dishes to see if there are spots they missed. I recommend encouraging them to use their hands more when trying to determine if the surface is clean. Eventually your hands become more sensitive and it is easier to detect spots they may have missed. For other chores, maybe they could try wearing a thin pair of plastic gloves that way they can feel the surface without having to make actual contact with it if it isn't clean.
Remember to be patient. Your partner is probably having a hard time adjusting. Be there to support them as much as you can.
Remember to be patient. Your partner is probably having a hard time adjusting. Be there to support them as much as you can.
AceyAceyAcey [OP] 1 points 3y ago
Thankfully he's not fully blind, and I don't know if his vision will ever progress to be that bad, but yeah, it's an adjustment. Thanks, I'll see if I can politely suggest running his hands over the surface when he thinks he's done, or cleaning in a grid pattern as others have suggested.
[deleted] 3 points 3y ago
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AceyAceyAcey [OP] 1 points 3y ago
Thanks, I think I'll suggest he look up such techniques (he's more likely to listen if he finds them himself than if I tell him what to do), and talk to his eye doctor about it.
BenandGracie 3 points 3y ago
He needs some training. I am totally blind, and I can wipe offf a counter just fine. I also wash dishes every once in a while, and I am able to get them clean.
AceyAceyAcey [OP] 1 points 3y ago
Thanks, I'll mention it to him before his next eye appt.
vwlsmssng 2 points 3y ago
I might have this wrong because relationships are difficult, but here goes ...
If you are their partner be prepared to help carry some of the weight and pain of vision loss. Your partner may be angry with themselves if they are struggling to do what they used to be good at.
I think you know this. Adaptations will occur on both sides. They may learn to go over surfaces and pots with their finger tips to double check for cleanliness. You will probably have to be the one who checks and cleans the toilets again. If some things aren't clean enough just sort it out quietly and maybe talk about getting a dish washing machine. Do more chores together and adapt to compensate for each others weaknesses while giving space to each others strengths.
If you are their partner be prepared to help carry some of the weight and pain of vision loss. Your partner may be angry with themselves if they are struggling to do what they used to be good at.
I think you know this. Adaptations will occur on both sides. They may learn to go over surfaces and pots with their finger tips to double check for cleanliness. You will probably have to be the one who checks and cleans the toilets again. If some things aren't clean enough just sort it out quietly and maybe talk about getting a dish washing machine. Do more chores together and adapt to compensate for each others weaknesses while giving space to each others strengths.
AceyAceyAcey [OP] 2 points 3y ago
As renters in a tiny apartment, sadly we can't get a dishwasher, but good idea that we should look for one in the future.
I'm also thinking I may need to be more explicit with things like the toilet -- he doesn't see that the back of the toilet needs cleaning so he doesn't do it if I say "can you clean the toilet", but if I mention it by name such as "can you clean the toilet including the seat and outside", he'll do it.
I got thinking about this more when I recently cleaned the bathroom mirror unprompted, and I was delighted with how much better it looked, and I expected him to compliment me, and he didn't, and then a while later I mentioned it to him, and he said he didn't notice.
I'm also thinking I may need to be more explicit with things like the toilet -- he doesn't see that the back of the toilet needs cleaning so he doesn't do it if I say "can you clean the toilet", but if I mention it by name such as "can you clean the toilet including the seat and outside", he'll do it.
I got thinking about this more when I recently cleaned the bathroom mirror unprompted, and I was delighted with how much better it looked, and I expected him to compliment me, and he didn't, and then a while later I mentioned it to him, and he said he didn't notice.
CloudyBeep 3 points 3y ago
The phrase "out of sight, out of mind" is something you should think about, especially in relation to people who are new to vision loss in this kind of circumstance. It's also possible that he knew the toilet needed cleaning, but didn't believe that he would be able to do a good job, so he didn't mention it because it would entail talking about something he thinks he can't do now.
AceyAceyAcey [OP] 2 points 3y ago
Yeah good point, he's got some avoidant habits like that. Thanks! :)
vwlsmssng 2 points 3y ago
> and I expected him to compliment me, and he didn't,
You shouldn't expect compliments for doing basic housework. If you do get positive comments just take them as a bonus.
> and then a while later I mentioned it to him, and he said he didn't notice
Maybe he has more on his mind, what with progressively losing his sight. He may be in mourning over losing his sight, this is a thing : https://www.rnib.org.uk/recently-diagnosed/coming-terms-sight-loss
You may need help, advice and support dealing with this too. So do ask more questions here.
Sometimes VI people need things pointing out, such as when they don't see stains on their clothes or they have some spinach in their teeth. But sometimes the sighted partner has just got to get on and do the sighted jobs while their partner helps in other ways they can.
Please don't break up over who is best suited to clean the toilet.
You shouldn't expect compliments for doing basic housework. If you do get positive comments just take them as a bonus.
> and then a while later I mentioned it to him, and he said he didn't notice
Maybe he has more on his mind, what with progressively losing his sight. He may be in mourning over losing his sight, this is a thing : https://www.rnib.org.uk/recently-diagnosed/coming-terms-sight-loss
You may need help, advice and support dealing with this too. So do ask more questions here.
Sometimes VI people need things pointing out, such as when they don't see stains on their clothes or they have some spinach in their teeth. But sometimes the sighted partner has just got to get on and do the sighted jobs while their partner helps in other ways they can.
Please don't break up over who is best suited to clean the toilet.
GTbuddha 2 points 3y ago
I'm legally blind, I see 5% in one eye. When my wife and I met I explained that I have a maid because if I didn't I would miss things and I like to live in a clean house.
We are now married and I still hire a maid so that my wife doesn't have to do it all.
Maybe this is an option for you two too.
We are now married and I still hire a maid so that my wife doesn't have to do it all.
Maybe this is an option for you two too.
AceyAceyAcey [OP] 1 points 3y ago
We've discussed this before his vision loss began. He's very against a cleaning service b/c (1) he values his privacy, and (2) we're trying to save up for a house. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll keep it in mind to revisit if things get worse, but I don't think we're there yet. :)
GTbuddha 1 points 3y ago
I am a very private person. I have a locking closet. However, I believe that my cleaning lady has found the occasional sex toy in the shower or wherever. They are used to it. No big deal.
bscross32 1 points 3y ago
He needs training on how to do these things. He might also agree to pay for a maid to come in or something.
AceyAceyAcey [OP] 1 points 3y ago
Thanks, I'll mention the training before his next appointment. I'll hold off on a maid for now b/c we're trying to save money.
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