Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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For those of you who are often around sighted people: do you ever struggle with envy and feelings of not having achieved enough in life? (self.Blind)
submitted by KingWithoutClothes
Hello ladies and gents
TL;DR See title
Last Friday I had my birthday and I turned 32. Unfortunately, neither the day itself nor the weekend that followed were particularly enjoyable to me. Partially, this was due to the fact that my brother got himself into a horrible cycling accident just the day before and he's now lying in hospital with traumatic brain injury and almost completely unresponsive (basically a mild coma). However, there's another reason for why I've been feeling down and that's the fact that my birthday prompted me to reflect on my current position in life.
Simply put, I feel very unhappy about the way things have unfolded during the past 10-12 years and I often feel a lot of envy towards my sighted friends.
When I was a teenager, I was extremely mature and farsighted for my age. I realized early on that my continuously worsening visual disability will cause me a good deal of trouble in life. My parents told me about a distant relative who was also visually disabled and was apparently living an absolutely miserable life, on social benefits and still with his parents at age 40. I was terrified of ending up like this and decided to make dead sure I'd be as comfortable as possible. Luckily, I also happened to be very ambitious and good at school. When I was 14, I studied super hard and passed the entry exams for "Gymnasium", which is how we call a particular type of high school in Switzerland. Only about 15%-20% of students make it into Gymnasium and it is required to be eligible for a college/university education. We have an excellent vocational training system in place but I knew this was not going to be an option for me due to my disability. Instead, I planned to get a really high education as a means to find a great job and be well-off. I continued to study hard and eventually graduated. My dream job had always been to become a teacher at a Gymnasium. In Switzerland, this job requires a lot of academic qualifications but it's also considered a very decent job. I'm in love with History and languages, so I ended up studying both History and English.
Fast forward a decade or so and... I'm still not finished with my Masters program. There are several reasons for this but the biggest are health problems related to my eyes. Throughout my 20s, my condition has worsened at an increasingly fast speed. I've had to undergo numerous surgeries with long recovery phases, chronic pain etc. Although I was a bit of a slacker in the very early days of my studies, I can say with confidence that generally speaking, I've always tried to work as hard as I could.
This is where we get to my current frustration in life. Despite all of my early planning, my hard work and my struggles, it feels like I can't actually accomplish my goals. I have good chances of finishing my Masters by next summer but I've lost the belief in myself somewhere along the way. I've been on this project for so ridiculously long that my graduation feels like a mirage in the desert. No matter how ambitiously I walk and how much my loving wife encourages me, that oasis at the horizon never actually comes closer (or at least that's how it feels).
Meanwhile, I look at my sighted friends and their success makes me feel so bitter. They have achieved literally all of the things I've been wanted to achieve. Not only have they easily overtaken me, they have "stolen" my goals and dreams. For example one close friend studied the same two things as me, except that he finished several years back. He also completed the 2-year pedagogic education you need to do after your Masters and worked as a teacher for several years, earning good money. Now he's started his PhD in history and he continues to teach on the side. Another close friend got into politics and managed to get elected for a political office last year, after only about 3-4 years of working towards this goal. I've grown up in a very political family and getting elected into an office has been my dream since I was 16. I always tried to be active in my party but somehow it was never enough... maybe also because I wanted to prioritize my studies and you don't have unlimited energy, especially as a blind person.
My wife tells me I shouldn't compare myself to my sighted peers and I know she's right but I just can't help it. I'm the only blind or visually impaired person I know. More importantly though, I feel this enormous sense of injustice and I just can't shake it off. Most of my sighted friends have worked far less for their goals than I have, and yet they were very successful in achieving them. Somehow, I've sacrificed everything for this goal of graduating and getting into my dream job... but I'm still in my studies. It makes me feel so shitty about myself. Moreover, people have recently begun to tell me that being a teacher at a public school may not work for me because it's a very sought-after job and being blind will be a huge disadvantage in my job hunt (discrimination etc). This makes me wonder if my life plans were fundamentally flawed to begin with. Maybe I should have just studied econ or business management or something like that and gotten a job at a Swiss bank. I would've undoubtedly hated my profession but at least I'd be earning a shitload of money now, instead of struggling in every regard.
I know I can't drop my studies. I have invested far too much time and work into this to simply give up. Also, contrary to some other countries, you can't get a decent job with only a Bachelor's degree in Switzerland. I'd be pretty screwed... and as a blind guy, I'd be double-screwed. So, at the end of the day, I somehow need to finish this but I don't know how. It's like people tell me: "only 5 more miles, FOR REAL" but I've already been hiking without water under the burning sun for days, and I've watched all of my sighted friends drive past me in Jeeps with A/C and iced tea... I just wanna lie down and die.
Anyway... this became longer than expected. I'm not so much looking for advice because I know eventually I have to help myself. However, I do wonder if other VI/blind folks ever feel the same way. I read a lot of success stories about blind people and I gotta be honest... they don't help me at all. They just have the effect of making me feel even more like a pathetic loser.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories. Cheers.
TL;DR See title
Last Friday I had my birthday and I turned 32. Unfortunately, neither the day itself nor the weekend that followed were particularly enjoyable to me. Partially, this was due to the fact that my brother got himself into a horrible cycling accident just the day before and he's now lying in hospital with traumatic brain injury and almost completely unresponsive (basically a mild coma). However, there's another reason for why I've been feeling down and that's the fact that my birthday prompted me to reflect on my current position in life.
Simply put, I feel very unhappy about the way things have unfolded during the past 10-12 years and I often feel a lot of envy towards my sighted friends.
When I was a teenager, I was extremely mature and farsighted for my age. I realized early on that my continuously worsening visual disability will cause me a good deal of trouble in life. My parents told me about a distant relative who was also visually disabled and was apparently living an absolutely miserable life, on social benefits and still with his parents at age 40. I was terrified of ending up like this and decided to make dead sure I'd be as comfortable as possible. Luckily, I also happened to be very ambitious and good at school. When I was 14, I studied super hard and passed the entry exams for "Gymnasium", which is how we call a particular type of high school in Switzerland. Only about 15%-20% of students make it into Gymnasium and it is required to be eligible for a college/university education. We have an excellent vocational training system in place but I knew this was not going to be an option for me due to my disability. Instead, I planned to get a really high education as a means to find a great job and be well-off. I continued to study hard and eventually graduated. My dream job had always been to become a teacher at a Gymnasium. In Switzerland, this job requires a lot of academic qualifications but it's also considered a very decent job. I'm in love with History and languages, so I ended up studying both History and English.
Fast forward a decade or so and... I'm still not finished with my Masters program. There are several reasons for this but the biggest are health problems related to my eyes. Throughout my 20s, my condition has worsened at an increasingly fast speed. I've had to undergo numerous surgeries with long recovery phases, chronic pain etc. Although I was a bit of a slacker in the very early days of my studies, I can say with confidence that generally speaking, I've always tried to work as hard as I could.
This is where we get to my current frustration in life. Despite all of my early planning, my hard work and my struggles, it feels like I can't actually accomplish my goals. I have good chances of finishing my Masters by next summer but I've lost the belief in myself somewhere along the way. I've been on this project for so ridiculously long that my graduation feels like a mirage in the desert. No matter how ambitiously I walk and how much my loving wife encourages me, that oasis at the horizon never actually comes closer (or at least that's how it feels).
Meanwhile, I look at my sighted friends and their success makes me feel so bitter. They have achieved literally all of the things I've been wanted to achieve. Not only have they easily overtaken me, they have "stolen" my goals and dreams. For example one close friend studied the same two things as me, except that he finished several years back. He also completed the 2-year pedagogic education you need to do after your Masters and worked as a teacher for several years, earning good money. Now he's started his PhD in history and he continues to teach on the side. Another close friend got into politics and managed to get elected for a political office last year, after only about 3-4 years of working towards this goal. I've grown up in a very political family and getting elected into an office has been my dream since I was 16. I always tried to be active in my party but somehow it was never enough... maybe also because I wanted to prioritize my studies and you don't have unlimited energy, especially as a blind person.
My wife tells me I shouldn't compare myself to my sighted peers and I know she's right but I just can't help it. I'm the only blind or visually impaired person I know. More importantly though, I feel this enormous sense of injustice and I just can't shake it off. Most of my sighted friends have worked far less for their goals than I have, and yet they were very successful in achieving them. Somehow, I've sacrificed everything for this goal of graduating and getting into my dream job... but I'm still in my studies. It makes me feel so shitty about myself. Moreover, people have recently begun to tell me that being a teacher at a public school may not work for me because it's a very sought-after job and being blind will be a huge disadvantage in my job hunt (discrimination etc). This makes me wonder if my life plans were fundamentally flawed to begin with. Maybe I should have just studied econ or business management or something like that and gotten a job at a Swiss bank. I would've undoubtedly hated my profession but at least I'd be earning a shitload of money now, instead of struggling in every regard.
I know I can't drop my studies. I have invested far too much time and work into this to simply give up. Also, contrary to some other countries, you can't get a decent job with only a Bachelor's degree in Switzerland. I'd be pretty screwed... and as a blind guy, I'd be double-screwed. So, at the end of the day, I somehow need to finish this but I don't know how. It's like people tell me: "only 5 more miles, FOR REAL" but I've already been hiking without water under the burning sun for days, and I've watched all of my sighted friends drive past me in Jeeps with A/C and iced tea... I just wanna lie down and die.
Anyway... this became longer than expected. I'm not so much looking for advice because I know eventually I have to help myself. However, I do wonder if other VI/blind folks ever feel the same way. I read a lot of success stories about blind people and I gotta be honest... they don't help me at all. They just have the effect of making me feel even more like a pathetic loser.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories. Cheers.
UpsideDownwardSpiral 5 points 2y ago
I was normally sighted for 34 years, and always felt 'less than' all of the better functioning people around me. I was always a loser, if only in my own mind.
It feels worse now, if I let myself actually thing about it, that I literally can't see why I'm not as good as other people.
But, I know it was something that isn't about being blind, and it's a symptom of having depression and just not being neurotypical.
I'm sorry that I didn't read your entire post, but have you tried any kind of therapy or counseling? I was referred to a blind program that offers counseling, maybe you can find something similar in your area? There should be no reason to feel badly about asking about this, even though admittedly it is awkward.
It feels worse now, if I let myself actually thing about it, that I literally can't see why I'm not as good as other people.
But, I know it was something that isn't about being blind, and it's a symptom of having depression and just not being neurotypical.
I'm sorry that I didn't read your entire post, but have you tried any kind of therapy or counseling? I was referred to a blind program that offers counseling, maybe you can find something similar in your area? There should be no reason to feel badly about asking about this, even though admittedly it is awkward.
willn1234456789 3 points 2y ago
Im 14 I go to high school at this point being around sighted people is my advantage. If I don't see it one of my friends will and warn me, and especially with sighted people they arent always the nicest when It comes to personal etiquette around BVI'd people but they try atleast.
matt121134 3 points 2y ago
You wrote out my thoughts far better than I could have, and I'm only 24 haha. I've been pretty set on studying computer science since I was 19. Throughout high school I'd always done very well in programming, high 90%s most of the time. Where I struggle however is math, which all post-secondary schools want, along with programming. I've taken courses at a few different schools, no luck with anything but programming, where I'm still doing fairly well, 80-90% most of the time, when it's just coding. I still live at home, can't find a job. The few friends I do have either are also totally blind and live at home, or have at least low vision, and therefore have a far easier time with existing in capitalism. I also don't know what to do, I was an idiot and never came up with a backup. Life is wonderful. /s
DrillInstructorJan 2 points 2y ago
Yes, especially if the person I think is outdoing me is someone I don't really like! I have no answers but I can commiserate.
I remember when I was about a six months in, hearing that someone I really didn't get on with had scored a university place doing something I'd really have liked to do. Not only could I not have possibly done what she was doing, I'd also had to change the course I was doing from one I liked but couldn't really do anymore to something that I could do but didn't find that exciting. I was not happy. For what it's worth, I do have a job, even now in the pandemic I've managed to keep going at a basic level, and I still sit here thinking: if I've got to where I am right now, where would I be if I had sight.
This is also a conversation I have had with two of the young people I've mentored. The person I'm talking to right now is only 16 having gone blind at about 15 so she's not quite in the same position as you, but the story is pretty familiar. She's very academic, and something that keeps coming up is how she's supposed to keep being academic if she can't read. There is no easy answer to this (braille is not an answer to this) and she also has buddies who are less capable but, she feels, doing better than her because their lives are easier. Now I don't think it's necessarily true with her, I think some of it is her perception of things and she's 16 so that affects her thinking, but it's basically the same story as yours.
So yes, I know exactly what you mean.
I also know what you mean about the energy thing. My attitude is that if I have to work much harder than everyone else, then that is what I will do, and hang the consequences. I did a day's work on Monday that required me to spend a lot of time over the weekend preparing for it in a way that would not have been necessary, or at least not as necessary, if I had sight. And did I resent that, sitting here in the amazing heatwave we've had recently doing basically unpaid work, trying to memorise things because I can't see to read written notes when I could have been sitting under a parasol with a big glass of wine? Hell yes I resented that. I just knew I had to do it anyway. Monday went great in the end and they invited me back for more next week, so apparently I did something right, but I'd have been totally screwed without doing that prep work.
You don't seem scared of the work, though. If you want to know what scares me, what really gets under my skin, is old age, when I might not be as able to handle doing all that. I was a young person when I found myself in this situation and I'm not so much anymore. Right now I don't feel any different and that's partly because I make damn sure I stay in reasonable shape, eat right, get exercise, and so on, but that will soon come. The best way to prepare for that happening is probably to have somewhere to live and some savings set up for when you get there. You seem to get that.
I don't really have a solution for you, it's just down to what we can each make out of the situation we're in. If you figure it out, tell us!
I remember when I was about a six months in, hearing that someone I really didn't get on with had scored a university place doing something I'd really have liked to do. Not only could I not have possibly done what she was doing, I'd also had to change the course I was doing from one I liked but couldn't really do anymore to something that I could do but didn't find that exciting. I was not happy. For what it's worth, I do have a job, even now in the pandemic I've managed to keep going at a basic level, and I still sit here thinking: if I've got to where I am right now, where would I be if I had sight.
This is also a conversation I have had with two of the young people I've mentored. The person I'm talking to right now is only 16 having gone blind at about 15 so she's not quite in the same position as you, but the story is pretty familiar. She's very academic, and something that keeps coming up is how she's supposed to keep being academic if she can't read. There is no easy answer to this (braille is not an answer to this) and she also has buddies who are less capable but, she feels, doing better than her because their lives are easier. Now I don't think it's necessarily true with her, I think some of it is her perception of things and she's 16 so that affects her thinking, but it's basically the same story as yours.
So yes, I know exactly what you mean.
I also know what you mean about the energy thing. My attitude is that if I have to work much harder than everyone else, then that is what I will do, and hang the consequences. I did a day's work on Monday that required me to spend a lot of time over the weekend preparing for it in a way that would not have been necessary, or at least not as necessary, if I had sight. And did I resent that, sitting here in the amazing heatwave we've had recently doing basically unpaid work, trying to memorise things because I can't see to read written notes when I could have been sitting under a parasol with a big glass of wine? Hell yes I resented that. I just knew I had to do it anyway. Monday went great in the end and they invited me back for more next week, so apparently I did something right, but I'd have been totally screwed without doing that prep work.
You don't seem scared of the work, though. If you want to know what scares me, what really gets under my skin, is old age, when I might not be as able to handle doing all that. I was a young person when I found myself in this situation and I'm not so much anymore. Right now I don't feel any different and that's partly because I make damn sure I stay in reasonable shape, eat right, get exercise, and so on, but that will soon come. The best way to prepare for that happening is probably to have somewhere to live and some savings set up for when you get there. You seem to get that.
I don't really have a solution for you, it's just down to what we can each make out of the situation we're in. If you figure it out, tell us!
Envrin 2 points 2y ago
​
You can accomplish whatever you want. I went suddenly and totally blind 3.5 years ago, which quite obviously changed my life. It was hard, really hard.
​
My family and loved ones misplaced their love for me with fear and worry, so I was totally alone in this life. I just put my head down, and got it done. Now I'm the creator of $1 which is making me a good monthly income, have a bunch of new friends who I generally provide emotional support to, and life is looking up.
​
Keep fighting, keep your head down, work hard, and love your fellow human. Life isn't easy, nor is it fair, but you can be happy and successful even blind. Just keep working at it, and never, never give up.
​
Here's a few videos for you to check out:
​
$1
​
$1
​
$1
​
Take care of yourself, and most importantly, take care of your heart so you can help others.
You can accomplish whatever you want. I went suddenly and totally blind 3.5 years ago, which quite obviously changed my life. It was hard, really hard.
​
My family and loved ones misplaced their love for me with fear and worry, so I was totally alone in this life. I just put my head down, and got it done. Now I'm the creator of $1 which is making me a good monthly income, have a bunch of new friends who I generally provide emotional support to, and life is looking up.
​
Keep fighting, keep your head down, work hard, and love your fellow human. Life isn't easy, nor is it fair, but you can be happy and successful even blind. Just keep working at it, and never, never give up.
​
Here's a few videos for you to check out:
​
$1
​
$1
​
$1
​
Take care of yourself, and most importantly, take care of your heart so you can help others.
Envrin 2 points 2y ago
DrillInstructorJan 3 points 2y ago
I always think it's a bad idea to tell people they can achieve anything they want. I remember personally feeling really talked down to when people said that to me. Before I went blind I had been working with cameras, and I definitely wasn't going to be able to achieve that anymore. It doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of eternity in a permanent soul destroying downer, but all these stock phrases about being able to achieve anything... well, you might as well listen to one of those stupid self help tapes.
Envrin 1 points 2y ago
I don't know, I don't mind it. In my mind, it just means you can achieve whatever is necessary to make yourself happy. Happiness is different for everyone, but you can do what's necessary to make yourself happy.
[deleted] 1 points 2y ago
[deleted]
FantasticGlove 1 points 2y ago
I'm sorry that I could not offer concrete advice because I personally have never really experienced those feelings. For me, I've always wanted to make and grow a business into an empire and I started my journey at age 16. It's fun and a lot of work but I never regreted it and I'm 21 years old now. I'm also in college studying to get a business management and leadership major and even though I generally have to fight harder to do well in school, it makes my victories much more awesome in the end.
liceinwonderland 1 points 2y ago
I am sighted so I am not the person you want to hear from but my SO is a little older than you and diagnosed a couple years ago and this is something that is on his mind a lot as he has to get used to his visual impairment and change careers. Without saying that you don't have to face more obstacles in achieving your goals or that feeling envious is not a totally valid feeling, keep in mind that a lot of people struggle with things like that whether it is due to disability or mental health or poor choices early in life. You are dedicated and you follow through your goals despite the difficulties and that is admirable. Give yourself credit for that.
Winnmark 1 points 2y ago
No because I plan to make a lot of money and ball hard.
Fridux 1 points 2y ago
I was born with glaucoma and 10% of visual acuity which remained stable until I was 29, at which point I began losing contrast perception culminating in total blindness 3 years later.
I'm process-oriented, as opposed to goal-oriented, that is, I extract constant and instant gratification from the process of climbing the mountain, not from the goal of reaching the summit. I never particularly liked school, so I dropped out of my senior year in high school to work as a technical support call center operator for an Internet services provider, and following that I worked as a quality assurance operator for a retail group which produced its own brand of computers. In that second job I saw an opportunity to heavily optimize my workflow with automation and, upon realizing that, my managers moved me to a systems analyst role where I was supposed to learn what each department was doing and come up with solutions to automate their job as much as possible. In parallel I worked on a personal project involving the Linux kernel which caught the attention of many companies. While most of those companies were US-based thus preventing me from being hired as I lacked the required formal education to qualify for an H-1B visa, there was one local company which offered me a job as an IT consultant with some perks such as telecommuting some days of the week, flexible schedules, and a unique opportunity to expose myself to all kinds of environments, all while doing what I loved (coding) and earning an income that allowed me to live alone. During my time there I experienced working for two Internet services providers, a government agency, a financial institution, and a military branch.
9 years ago I began losing contrast perception which severely impacted my versatility, so I resigned from my job and spent my remaining 3 years of sight looking for a way to stabilize my glaucoma without success thus ending up totally blind. During this process I applied to my disability benefits and moved back to live with my father who took care of me until he died 3 years ago, after which my mother moved in so now I live with her.
I'm 38 now and live off disability benefits, and it doesn't bother me the slightest because I've already experienced more success than everyone else in my family. I contributed to society as long as I could, but now I'm too disabled to proceed. It's not that I can't have a job, it's just that there's nothing I can do truly independently without requiring accommodations, so I prefer to stay home playing web games and developing iOS apps for personal use that I will never publish because I can't verify whether they work visually the way I intend.
I'm process-oriented, as opposed to goal-oriented, that is, I extract constant and instant gratification from the process of climbing the mountain, not from the goal of reaching the summit. I never particularly liked school, so I dropped out of my senior year in high school to work as a technical support call center operator for an Internet services provider, and following that I worked as a quality assurance operator for a retail group which produced its own brand of computers. In that second job I saw an opportunity to heavily optimize my workflow with automation and, upon realizing that, my managers moved me to a systems analyst role where I was supposed to learn what each department was doing and come up with solutions to automate their job as much as possible. In parallel I worked on a personal project involving the Linux kernel which caught the attention of many companies. While most of those companies were US-based thus preventing me from being hired as I lacked the required formal education to qualify for an H-1B visa, there was one local company which offered me a job as an IT consultant with some perks such as telecommuting some days of the week, flexible schedules, and a unique opportunity to expose myself to all kinds of environments, all while doing what I loved (coding) and earning an income that allowed me to live alone. During my time there I experienced working for two Internet services providers, a government agency, a financial institution, and a military branch.
9 years ago I began losing contrast perception which severely impacted my versatility, so I resigned from my job and spent my remaining 3 years of sight looking for a way to stabilize my glaucoma without success thus ending up totally blind. During this process I applied to my disability benefits and moved back to live with my father who took care of me until he died 3 years ago, after which my mother moved in so now I live with her.
I'm 38 now and live off disability benefits, and it doesn't bother me the slightest because I've already experienced more success than everyone else in my family. I contributed to society as long as I could, but now I'm too disabled to proceed. It's not that I can't have a job, it's just that there's nothing I can do truly independently without requiring accommodations, so I prefer to stay home playing web games and developing iOS apps for personal use that I will never publish because I can't verify whether they work visually the way I intend.
bradley22 1 points 2y ago
If these apps are for the blind you can allow blind people to test them on applevis using testflight.
Fridux 1 points 2y ago
The problem is that Apple would never allow an app in the app store, or testflight for that matter, that doesn't work properly for the sighted or that doesn't include icon image assets. The review process that apps go through in order to be allowed on testflight is the same as for apps being published to the app store. I used to have these apps published on GitHub, but then I learned that bundle identifiers cannot be shared so I turned all my repos private because I don't want my bundle identifiers to be accidentally stolen by someone else just trying to compile my code.
bradley22 1 points 2y ago
What about vorail? sighted people can use it but from what I understand it's a blank screen because it doesn't need it apart from when you write titles for your questions.
I know there's blind app developers out there, if you want to you can ask for help on applevis and see what comes of that?
I know there's blind app developers out there, if you want to you can ask for help on applevis and see what comes of that?
Fridux 1 points 2y ago
Had never heard of Vorail; wonder what kind of screen-shots they have published to the app store if it's just a white screen, and it's kind of interesting that Apple would accept an app that doesn't follow any of its human interface guidelines.
I'm gonna move the goal posts a little bit though, because the stuff I develop is primarily aimed at the sighted. as it doesn't feel right to develop an app without a visual interface. I make my apps work well with VoiceOver obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be able to use them, but the interfaces are still visual and work with standard VoiceOver gestures.
I'm gonna move the goal posts a little bit though, because the stuff I develop is primarily aimed at the sighted. as it doesn't feel right to develop an app without a visual interface. I make my apps work well with VoiceOver obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be able to use them, but the interfaces are still visual and work with standard VoiceOver gestures.
je97 0 points 2y ago
I'm 23, financially comfortable and have a masters degree.
Not really, no.
Not really, no.
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