Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Need some dating advice (self.Blind)
submitted by Carnegie89
I'm a 29-year-old guy with vision loss (legally blind). I don't have much dating experience as I lost my vision in my teens and focused a lot of time figuring out that aspect of my life along with the challenges of obesity. Some of the meds for my eye messed up my body. Also accepted that I'm bisexual a few years back. Started dating around 4 years ago but nothing significant. Quite a few first dates but didn't connect enough for a second one.
I recently started dating a girl. She's sighted and drives. We have been known each other for over a year and became good friends about 6 months back. I had liked her on Tinder after we initially met but she wasn't interested due to personal reasons. I didn't probe and just moved on. She asked me out a few weeks back. We had our first date a few days ago and going for another one in a few days.
I sometimes feel a bit ashamed to ask her for assistance even though she is very understanding of my vision loss. How do I approach holding hands or kissing?
UPDATE: The second date went really well. We spent almost half a day together. We started talking about holding hands and kissing and what we're comfortable with. She wants to take things slow. I'm okay with that. It takes a lot of pressure off of me. I really liked that she asked me how would I like to be lead with a sighted guide. Very few people have asked me that. We're off to a good start. In 2 - 3 months, meeting the parents will come into play. That's a whole different can of worms.
I recently started dating a girl. She's sighted and drives. We have been known each other for over a year and became good friends about 6 months back. I had liked her on Tinder after we initially met but she wasn't interested due to personal reasons. I didn't probe and just moved on. She asked me out a few weeks back. We had our first date a few days ago and going for another one in a few days.
I sometimes feel a bit ashamed to ask her for assistance even though she is very understanding of my vision loss. How do I approach holding hands or kissing?
UPDATE: The second date went really well. We spent almost half a day together. We started talking about holding hands and kissing and what we're comfortable with. She wants to take things slow. I'm okay with that. It takes a lot of pressure off of me. I really liked that she asked me how would I like to be lead with a sighted guide. Very few people have asked me that. We're off to a good start. In 2 - 3 months, meeting the parents will come into play. That's a whole different can of worms.
Kylefornicationn 11 points 2y ago
I think, on a second date, you try and kiss her... holding hands and kissing is the same for sighted and non sighted... you just go for it and if you get rejected you don’t let it bother you... I personally, went from 20/20 vision to legally blind when I was 20 pretty quickly,,, despite it being a tough time, I was actively dating still because I like to get laid... theres a social expectation men should drive... you,just need to get over it... it is literally out of your hands and if she is understanding then you just need to accept that... you need to separate your vision from rejection.... this is a bad mentality... if a person likes you, it’s not they like you in spite of your vision, it’s they like you because of you...
I personally, make it a point to try and kiss her every first date if it goes well... second date, you should try... some people will say “do it when you are comfortable” “everyone goes at different speeds” etc etc, just my 2 cents, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, and everyone gets rejected
good luck, if she wants a second date she must like you, so that should make you feel confident... update us on what happens
I personally, make it a point to try and kiss her every first date if it goes well... second date, you should try... some people will say “do it when you are comfortable” “everyone goes at different speeds” etc etc, just my 2 cents, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, and everyone gets rejected
good luck, if she wants a second date she must like you, so that should make you feel confident... update us on what happens
Carnegie89 [OP] 8 points 2y ago
I would try kissing her but due to the way she identifies as holding hands is a big step for her. She told me that she's not ready. I'll respect that.
I really like what you said about separating vision from rejection. No one has ever really put it that way before. I'll keep your words of wisdom in mind.
I know she likes me. I don't know what about me yet. This insight might help as I'm still trying to figure it out. A few months back she praised me and nominated me for an award. A few weeks back she roasted in a playful manner and asked me out in front of like 10 people. One of those people has been asking her out and she said no them multiple times. I said yes when she asked me, not in front of everyone though, in a chat later. I was blushing too hard to think.
Will update for sure.
I really like what you said about separating vision from rejection. No one has ever really put it that way before. I'll keep your words of wisdom in mind.
I know she likes me. I don't know what about me yet. This insight might help as I'm still trying to figure it out. A few months back she praised me and nominated me for an award. A few weeks back she roasted in a playful manner and asked me out in front of like 10 people. One of those people has been asking her out and she said no them multiple times. I said yes when she asked me, not in front of everyone though, in a chat later. I was blushing too hard to think.
Will update for sure.
Marconius 6 points 2y ago
I'm not a fan of this advice. Consent is Super important, and knowing how to ask for what you want is just as important as being able to handle rejection. So many issues that come up with relationships can easily be solved by communication, and especially more so when being blind. It's what I learned after years of dating while being sighted, then diving back into the dating scene after having lost my vision. If you are feeling good about your chemistry with your date, just ask if you can hold their hand. Ask if you can kiss them. They may even surprise you and ask if you'd like to hold hands and kiss. You can also explain exactly how you feel, talking it out rather than leaving so much up to assumption.
Just moving in for a kiss breaks consent and can cause serious issues if the feeling isn't mutual. Don't worry about asking for assistance, you are both holding space for each other and are enjoying each other's company, and it's only as big a deal as you make it out to be for yourself. Don't create your own dating barriers.
I wrote a fun little primer I send to dates and partners before we meet, explaining the fun parts about assistive tech, what it's like to date a blind guy, getting some of their initial worries out of the way, and it's made for a fantastic time. Worth qualifying that I met my wife after I went blind, and we started out as an open relationship that turned into an ethically non-monogamous open marriage, and have had tons of dating experiences and partners by just not accepting the blindness as a barrier, just knowing that it is a part of being human and focusing on all the other qualities that comes with connection.
So again, communicate, consent, and know how to accept No as a full and complete answer if your feelings aren't returned.
Just moving in for a kiss breaks consent and can cause serious issues if the feeling isn't mutual. Don't worry about asking for assistance, you are both holding space for each other and are enjoying each other's company, and it's only as big a deal as you make it out to be for yourself. Don't create your own dating barriers.
I wrote a fun little primer I send to dates and partners before we meet, explaining the fun parts about assistive tech, what it's like to date a blind guy, getting some of their initial worries out of the way, and it's made for a fantastic time. Worth qualifying that I met my wife after I went blind, and we started out as an open relationship that turned into an ethically non-monogamous open marriage, and have had tons of dating experiences and partners by just not accepting the blindness as a barrier, just knowing that it is a part of being human and focusing on all the other qualities that comes with connection.
So again, communicate, consent, and know how to accept No as a full and complete answer if your feelings aren't returned.
Kylefornicationn 2 points 2y ago
To each their own... To me, if a person goes to kiss someone, and they kiss them back, thats consent... If they say no, then its not consent... Lets not make a spontaneous kiss anything more than what it is
Marconius 3 points 2y ago
If you go in for a spontaneous kiss and they either don't see it coming, or you do it so quickly that they don't have time to say no and then have to physically push you away, that can be seen as assault especially if it's unwanted. Now you've put them on the defensive and made things awkward. Enthusiastic consent is necessary to make sure everyone is comfortable with what is going on. I know plenty of people who have PTSD triggers when people just dive in for what they want without asking them first, so it's better to be safe rather than sorry.
Look at it this way. When I and most blind people set up to cross a street, we hate when people come up and just grab us without consent. It creates a very awkward experience where we have to go on the defensive and assert ourselves to get out of their grasp and let them know that we are able to do things ourselves. Now frame that with someone kissing you. If it's a mutual feeling and something that's been building up through conversation and chemistry, it's still better to ask for consent as a way to check in on their feelings. If you've read the situation wrong and it's not something they want despite seeming to have fun on a date, diving in for a kiss creates exactly the same scenario as us getting grabbed and pulled when trying to cross a street.
Look at it this way. When I and most blind people set up to cross a street, we hate when people come up and just grab us without consent. It creates a very awkward experience where we have to go on the defensive and assert ourselves to get out of their grasp and let them know that we are able to do things ourselves. Now frame that with someone kissing you. If it's a mutual feeling and something that's been building up through conversation and chemistry, it's still better to ask for consent as a way to check in on their feelings. If you've read the situation wrong and it's not something they want despite seeming to have fun on a date, diving in for a kiss creates exactly the same scenario as us getting grabbed and pulled when trying to cross a street.
Carnegie89 [OP] 2 points 2y ago
We better be good at communication. We both are in a public speaking group to improve communication. Wouldn't have met her if she hadn't joined the group.
I get a spontaneous kiss when in a relationship because then you're aware of each other's non-verbal communication.
Consent is definitely very important. I'll ask her directly when the situation arises. I also told her that she's welcomed to make the first move. She seems to like that dynamic.
I get a spontaneous kiss when in a relationship because then you're aware of each other's non-verbal communication.
Consent is definitely very important. I'll ask her directly when the situation arises. I also told her that she's welcomed to make the first move. She seems to like that dynamic.
Nighthawk321 2 points 2y ago
Holding hands is simple, just reach out for her arm, then slide down until you find her hand. It won't be weird at all to grab her hand, especially on a second date.
As for kissing, it definitely may seem scary, but it's way easier after the first time. If you're like me, you may be nervous of even knowing where her lips are to begin with. If she's not wearing makeup or you're not somewhere where she would be wearing makeup, just put both of your hands on either side of her face to help guide both of you. This is normal, blind or sighted. You could also just ask, "may I kiss you?" By asking, she's expecting it, but she can also guide your face. I've been dating my girlfriend for 2.5 years, and sometimes she still has to guide me. Maybe I'm just clumsy, or maybe it's something you'll get use to, but it's completely normal either way. Hope this helps a little!
As for kissing, it definitely may seem scary, but it's way easier after the first time. If you're like me, you may be nervous of even knowing where her lips are to begin with. If she's not wearing makeup or you're not somewhere where she would be wearing makeup, just put both of your hands on either side of her face to help guide both of you. This is normal, blind or sighted. You could also just ask, "may I kiss you?" By asking, she's expecting it, but she can also guide your face. I've been dating my girlfriend for 2.5 years, and sometimes she still has to guide me. Maybe I'm just clumsy, or maybe it's something you'll get use to, but it's completely normal either way. Hope this helps a little!
foxx--tails 2 points 2y ago
I just want to say congrats on a second date! That’s really exciting and I hope you enjoy it! Also congrats on accepting you bi identity.
Dating while visually impaired can be difficult. It’s important to remember that the other person cannot read your mind. They may take you hesitation to kiss as disinterest. Just make sure to explain yourself, a simple “I’m a little nervous” will make the whole situation better.
Best of luck!
Dating while visually impaired can be difficult. It’s important to remember that the other person cannot read your mind. They may take you hesitation to kiss as disinterest. Just make sure to explain yourself, a simple “I’m a little nervous” will make the whole situation better.
Best of luck!
Carnegie89 [OP] 1 points 2y ago
I told her that I was nervous and so was she.
A few months back I gave an international workshop with like 60 people from 20 countries. I was more nervous on my first date than during that workshop.
A few months back I gave an international workshop with like 60 people from 20 countries. I was more nervous on my first date than during that workshop.
foxx--tails 2 points 2y ago
Communication is great! I’m glad you two are being open to each other. My only advice is to keep that up and remember that if your vision become an “issue” in the relationship it’s her fault not yours.
And wow I don’t think I would be able to do a workshop that big in a million year. Good on you!
And wow I don’t think I would be able to do a workshop that big in a million year. Good on you!
achromatic_03 1 points 2y ago
I'm still not over the part where she didn't want to date you before for "personal reasons." I would HAVE to know what that was about before getting involved with someone--being with someone who isn't open doesn't usually go well.
I also hate not being able to contribute to the driving, but I always offer :-D and my partner knows I would if I could
The other poster seems a little aggressive...I really do think it depends on you. Do you even want to be the one to initiate those things?
I also hate not being able to contribute to the driving, but I always offer :-D and my partner knows I would if I could
The other poster seems a little aggressive...I really do think it depends on you. Do you even want to be the one to initiate those things?
Carnegie89 [OP] 3 points 2y ago
I wrote "personal reasons" in the post. She told me why. I understood and that's why I didn't pursue it.
achromatic_03 1 points 2y ago
oh, phew, ok, I thought she just left it there!
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