Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Not blind, but my spouse is (self.Blind)
submitted by [deleted]
Hey everyone. I looked for a group for those living with the blind, but I haven't found anything yet, so I thought I would try you all. My husband of 9 years is legally blind. He has been since before we met. His impairment is the result of diabetic retinopathy and a subsequent eye injury where he ended up having one eye evacuated. He has about an 18% field of center-vision in the remaining eye. The way I describe it to new people we meet is that he has a "portrait view" of them at a conversational distance. Yay for us, right? He has enough sight to navigate his surroundings, cook, help with the housework, fix the car, engage in hobbies and a job, and generally live life like the rest of the sighted world. The part that sucks is that due to his high function, a really really really great prosthetic eye, not using a cane, and a general appearance of being a typical guy, people treat him badly when he shows any signs of impairment. Waitresses set drinks down at his elbow and roll their eyes when he spills them, men walk up to shake his hand and get offended when he "ignores" them, cashiers look at us funny when he pulls out his magnifier to read the paycard terminal or a menu or heaven forbid I have to read the menu to him in a new place... He holds down a regular job, but is almost held to a higher mark because if the next guy trips in the warehouse it's because he's a klutz - if my husband trips it's because he's blind and therefore must be disciplined to be more careful. He bumps into people in public all the time because they assume, as most sighted people would, that he sees them coming. So he gets dirty looks all the time for cutting people off or walking RIGHT BESIDE them because he has no idea they are even there. And of course, he sees none of this happening. In reality, whenever I type it out I realize he probably should be using a cane, but pride and machismo are not going to let that happen.
I won't go into a long spiel about the things I feel responsible for to mitigate all of the above, or having to drive everywhere all the time because I truly signed up for this, and he is a wonderful man who I wouldn't trade for ten sighted jerks. I guess I am just looking for people to talk to about making all of this feel somehow normal and not worrying what everyone thinks of him all the time. His is such a unique situation. I feel grateful for the vision he has, but still always feel like I have to defend him against the world and all the hateful judgemental people in it.
TL;DR - My husband is legally blind and I need someone to talk to...
I won't go into a long spiel about the things I feel responsible for to mitigate all of the above, or having to drive everywhere all the time because I truly signed up for this, and he is a wonderful man who I wouldn't trade for ten sighted jerks. I guess I am just looking for people to talk to about making all of this feel somehow normal and not worrying what everyone thinks of him all the time. His is such a unique situation. I feel grateful for the vision he has, but still always feel like I have to defend him against the world and all the hateful judgemental people in it.
TL;DR - My husband is legally blind and I need someone to talk to...
laffiesaffie 9 points 2y ago
It might be a good idea to talk about how you feel, an honest conversation about how his blindness affects the both of you.
[deleted] [OP] 7 points 2y ago
We talk about it all the time. He's a New Yorker at heart... when I mention people's reactions, for instance if he cuts them off at the grocery store, the usual reaction is, "They can move. Not my problem." Which in reality is not wrong. Maybe I need to take his advice and stop worrying about it on his behalf.
laffiesaffie 1 points 2y ago
That's good to hear!
Hallowss 6 points 2y ago
I'm aware you didn't ask in your post but I'm similar to your husband, I function on my own pretty well and also prefer to not use a cane.
Which does mean I run into other troubles with people.
I now wear a badge that's a neon colour saying 'blind' there are many different versions and are normally free from several different organizations.
I'm in the UK so I get mine from here:
https://www.partsight.org.uk/shop/symbol-items
It might help him
Which does mean I run into other troubles with people.
I now wear a badge that's a neon colour saying 'blind' there are many different versions and are normally free from several different organizations.
I'm in the UK so I get mine from here:
https://www.partsight.org.uk/shop/symbol-items
It might help him
noaimpara 2 points 2y ago
Not OP, but thanks for sharing that website! I was looking for an armband to go running and this is perfect. I got a pin, a lanyard so people finally get off my ass for sucking at social distancing and the armband!
[deleted] [OP] 2 points 2y ago
Thank you I will check into that. I feel like part of his resistance to the cane is machismo or pride or whatever you want to call it, not wanting people to look at him and see 'blind'. But it might be an option he can explore anyway. Thank you! This is actually just the kind of info I was looking for. Having no resources of my own that I can find. There's no ALANON for famlies of blindness lol
vwlsmssng 3 points 2y ago
> his resistance to the cane is machismo
Canes fold and can be carried discreetly, symbol canes are small but long canes are more assertive. Somewhere in between is a $1.
I've seen the pride thing but it has to be tempered with pragmatism.
When a situation is encountered such as a crowded street or shop staff who don't get that some assistance is required, then the cane can be deployed as an indication or a clarification. Please allow several seconds of processing time for others to realise that it is a white cane they can see being held and and another few seconds for then to infer that it means the holder is blind in someway and should be treated with respect.
Canes fold and can be carried discreetly, symbol canes are small but long canes are more assertive. Somewhere in between is a $1.
I've seen the pride thing but it has to be tempered with pragmatism.
When a situation is encountered such as a crowded street or shop staff who don't get that some assistance is required, then the cane can be deployed as an indication or a clarification. Please allow several seconds of processing time for others to realise that it is a white cane they can see being held and and another few seconds for then to infer that it means the holder is blind in someway and should be treated with respect.
[deleted] [OP] 2 points 2y ago
I spoke with him last night and he said he'd be totally down with wearing a patch or a pin. That partially blind sign I can't find a reference to anywhere in the US. It stinks that the resources are so limited here. He uses 3X pocket magnifiers to see terminals and menus and such, but the only place I can find them is at camping supply houses as firestarters (which they are also good for, I have learned).
vwlsmssng 1 points 2y ago
These are very good quality illuminated hand magnifiers.
https://www.eschenbach.com/products/illuminated-hand-held-magnifiers.asp
The also make some handy little telescopes like this one
https://www.eschenbach.com/products/telescopes-keplerian-microlux-telescope-4294-413.asp
Useful for sightseeing or reading street signs.
https://www.eschenbach.com/products/illuminated-hand-held-magnifiers.asp
The also make some handy little telescopes like this one
https://www.eschenbach.com/products/telescopes-keplerian-microlux-telescope-4294-413.asp
Useful for sightseeing or reading street signs.
MostlyBlindGamer 4 points 2y ago
I've been in your husband's position. Totally blind in one eye, reduced (not as bad as his) field of view in the other, asking terrible acuity. Nobody could tell until I had to read something.
It's exhausting.... You're so close to being normal that you don't want to think of yourself as legally blind or disabled. Other people don't understand either - you're expected to have no issues at all or to be completely helpless.
This kind of thing can lead to a real identity crisis situation. It can also not be a huge issue, at least not most of the time.
Anyway, I get what you're dealing with (from the other side, at least).
I can tell you that a cane cuts through a lot of questions and issues, but it can be very hard to get yourself out of the "I'm normal and I don't need any of this" mindset.
It's exhausting.... You're so close to being normal that you don't want to think of yourself as legally blind or disabled. Other people don't understand either - you're expected to have no issues at all or to be completely helpless.
This kind of thing can lead to a real identity crisis situation. It can also not be a huge issue, at least not most of the time.
Anyway, I get what you're dealing with (from the other side, at least).
I can tell you that a cane cuts through a lot of questions and issues, but it can be very hard to get yourself out of the "I'm normal and I don't need any of this" mindset.
[deleted] [OP] 2 points 2y ago
Yeah most people don't realize he is blind until it comes to reading a menu, or they wave from across the street and wonder why that jerk didn't wave back, or they walk up beside him, within "peripheral" vision and get upset that he didn't notice them standing there. It's kind of funny when he does turn around and almost slams into the person and they look all surprised, like, "you didn't see me? I've been standing here for five minutes." and he says, "I've had the same blind spot for ten years :)"
He does use a cane when we fly or travel, just to keep people from cutting in front of him in the airport. It gets exhausting having to run interference at the grocery store tho.
He does use a cane when we fly or travel, just to keep people from cutting in front of him in the airport. It gets exhausting having to run interference at the grocery store tho.
MostlyBlindGamer 1 points 2y ago
That's a really good comeback!
At the end of the day, some of those mishaps don't actually matter too much. Sometimes you don't want to attract attention either and coming off as an distracted, uncoordinated goof is a reasonable trade-off.
It's possible you're making too big of a deal out of some things, it's also possible he doesn't want you to worry or feel overburdened.
At the end of the day, some of those mishaps don't actually matter too much. Sometimes you don't want to attract attention either and coming off as an distracted, uncoordinated goof is a reasonable trade-off.
It's possible you're making too big of a deal out of some things, it's also possible he doesn't want you to worry or feel overburdened.
[deleted] [OP] 2 points 2y ago
I know he feels that way...he worries constantly about the "burden" of driving him everywhere (which I love to do) and I know I worry more about what people think of him than he does. I feel really defensive about him, and I get angry when I see people give him looks or roll their eyes or whatever. My mom said just last night that we have a symbiotic relationship and I think she nailed it. I'm the clownfish and he's my anemone.
MostlyBlindGamer 1 points 2y ago
I understand. At the end of the day, relationships are all about complementing each other and being stronger and better together than apart. I'm sure he supports you in lots of ways too.
NonstopBus 2 points 2y ago
This is the same boat I’m in too! I’m going through the process right now of O&M training cause I’d rather learn now while I have better vision than having to learn all at once. But I will say this play of “I’m normal” vs “I can’t see that” is so fucking hard. Like some days my sight is pretty alright and others it’s like a 180 and i can’t see much of anything. That swing between the two can just be hard for me and hard to even explain to others. Idk just know y’all aren’t alone!
[deleted] [OP] 2 points 2y ago
My husband did that when his eye surgeries started and is really glad he did. They thought he would be totally blind long before now so he did the school completely blindfolded so he had to really learn. Even though he gets around well most of the time, it comes in handy for both of us when it's dark or we go into a situation where his irises do the backwards thing and he really needs help. The cane would be better, but we are pretty symbiotic.
MostlyBlindGamer 2 points 2y ago
That's a good idea!
I completely understand those swings in your vision. Mine is worse when it's more humid. I feel like a human barometer.... Then it gets better if I stare at the computer for a few hours - try explaining that to everybody else who gets worse from straining.
Then I turn up to places on my own one day and with my partner the next, because I can't see properly. Very weird nowadays, when they won\\t let any extra people in, so I have to explain... Like I said, though, a cane fixes that particular issue - they might still be confused why you don't always use it.
I completely understand those swings in your vision. Mine is worse when it's more humid. I feel like a human barometer.... Then it gets better if I stare at the computer for a few hours - try explaining that to everybody else who gets worse from straining.
Then I turn up to places on my own one day and with my partner the next, because I can't see properly. Very weird nowadays, when they won\\t let any extra people in, so I have to explain... Like I said, though, a cane fixes that particular issue - they might still be confused why you don't always use it.
NonstopBus 2 points 2y ago
10/10 understand this one! I’m a teacher and next year am moving into school leadership and I am 200% inticipating questions about it from both adults and kids. Plus side with kids is I get to teach them from a young age so hopefully they will go out into the world later and be kinder and more understanding of people who are blind and what that means.
[deleted] [OP] 2 points 2y ago
That's awesome. Anything we can do to raise the education level and dissipate the fear.
MostlyBlindGamer 2 points 2y ago
Keep fighting the good fight. I wish educators were recognized for how visit important their work is. Instead it's one of those professions where you're expected to be "devoted to the cause" and are "admired." Let me go ahead and pay my bills with admiration, real quick.
Anyway, kids understand these things better, because they have yet to solidify certain patterns that adults have identified and so they're more open to outliers and edge cases
I always keep coming back to the hilarious conversation I had with a clerk at the tax office who couldn't wrap his head around the fact I can't drive, but own a car. A kid wouldn't bat an eye at that.
Anyway, kids understand these things better, because they have yet to solidify certain patterns that adults have identified and so they're more open to outliers and edge cases
I always keep coming back to the hilarious conversation I had with a clerk at the tax office who couldn't wrap his head around the fact I can't drive, but own a car. A kid wouldn't bat an eye at that.
kkolb7 4 points 2y ago
I'm interested in joining your group. Married to a blind fellow for more than 30 years.
[deleted] [OP] 4 points 2y ago
Hey! That would be awesome. I have only ever talked to one other person who was married to a blind person, and it was an author and he was a college professor who was totally blind. We had a few conversations via email but nothing past that. My hubs and I don't have a lot of the challenges of the totally blind - my biggest issue is fighting the assumption that he can see, or the assumption that he can't.
Meaangel 4 points 2y ago
Just married a legally blind guy this summer! Always up for sharing thoughts!
[deleted] [OP] 4 points 2y ago
So I wonder what next steps could be for all of us? Can we just make our own sub? I'm a total noob to Reddit.
vwlsmssng 3 points 2y ago
This is a friendly and supportive sub for anyone who is blind, partnered with or related to or friends with a blind person, or works with blind people. Rants are treated with the respect and sympathy they deserve. Reading the FAQ is appreciated.
Meaangel 3 points 2y ago
I don't know if there is enough people for that to be honest?
sadfactory 2 points 2y ago
I’m in a Facebook group called Support for Those with Blind Spouses. If you’re on Facebook, check it out — there are about 200 people in the group. :)
Laser_Lens_4 2 points 2y ago
If he can see enough to do the things and walk around, he might try an ID cane. It's lighter than your typical mobility cane and meant to let people know that you have a visual impairment. Personally, I think it's both less humiliating and more visible than a badge.
[deleted] [OP] 2 points 2y ago
Also not a bad idea. The above-mentioned badge doesn't seem to be available in the US anyway. It's so strange it's like the world here does not even want to acknowledge blind adults. Even my own family, my stepbrother has hardly ever spoken to him, and I found out the other day he didn't know how much vision he had and was afraid to ask!
Laser_Lens_4 2 points 2y ago
You’ll find that sentiment pretty much everywhere, unfortunately. We scare the shit out of abled people, so they’d rather just not think about it.
[deleted] [OP] 1 points 2y ago
Yes exactly. And my husband is the best about it. He will explain it all day long, and loves educating people...it's in his nature.
sagisays 1 points 2y ago
Same! My wonderful boyfriend who is just the most amazing person with an incredible sense of humour is quite close to being legally blind. He loves going to pubs and the main issue he faces is how bartenders "talk with their eyes" and he absolutely has no idea when it's his turn. He always gets slightly upset about how they have NO consideration about how he can't read the beers that are on tap and frankly some of them are super rude and just tell him that they simply don't have the time to read them out loud. He also gets funny looks from strangers who think he's rude and it makes me angry/sad/annoyed at them. I sometimes forget that his vision is not great until I get reminded of it when people act funny.
spiddilydinkins 1 points 2y ago
Hello! My husband is legally blind and also does not use a cane. He can get around pretty well (except for driving, of course) and used to work full time before covid (he’s in the entertainment industry...alas). I can totally relate to a lot of what you’re feeling. Thankfully, I can’t think of too many issues he’s had with the general public.
He does have a pretty good sense of humor about it. When working box office for his pre-covid job, a customer saw him lean in close to his computer screen he said, “Don’t get too close! You’ll go blind!” My husband’s coworkers froze, mortified, but he just replied, “Too late!” The customer was confused but his boss and coworker could hardly stifle their laughs.
Anyway. In short, I can relate. I just requested to join the Facebook group mentioned above but would be down to join a sub or another group.
He does have a pretty good sense of humor about it. When working box office for his pre-covid job, a customer saw him lean in close to his computer screen he said, “Don’t get too close! You’ll go blind!” My husband’s coworkers froze, mortified, but he just replied, “Too late!” The customer was confused but his boss and coworker could hardly stifle their laughs.
Anyway. In short, I can relate. I just requested to join the Facebook group mentioned above but would be down to join a sub or another group.
[deleted] [OP] 1 points 2y ago
HAHAH that sounds like something my husband would say. You should see the looks we get when we are around people who don't know us well yet when he trips or bumps into something and I shout sternly at him, "What's the matter with you are you blind or somethin??" He has the best humor about it. It is amazing too how many people can't seem to find the line between having fun with it and making him feel disabled, which he hates.
DrillInstructorJan 1 points 2y ago
I hate to say it but the word "cane" was forming in my brain before I got to that part of the post.
UltimateAtrophy 0 points 2y ago
My mother in law is in the same position. Her husband became blind just as they retired. He's has some visual capability and still wants to use as much of as he can, unfortunately he doesn't use his cane properly and other life skills.
I'll ask if she wants to participate.
I'll ask if she wants to participate.
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