Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Phantom reality (self.Blind)
submitted by freesoup
I lost most of my vision in my left eye 3 years ago due to an explosion and retina detachment. I have some peripheral but it's murky. I've functionally adapted well to having lost depth perception. I still drive cars and some heavy equipment and ride motorcycles and work in construction but I've noticed something changing in my day to day.
At first, I was making efforts to try and remember what it was like to have 3D vision. That has faded. I only recently had a dream being the first one I recall where it wasn't 3D. In the dream, my perception of the world was the same as it is now. In it, I was approaching and navigating the world with the same caution I do now. Not bounding through it with no thought or worry to my integration into my surroundings. It made me realize that my memories too are now in 2D. Including those from before the accident.
I have had issues with self-esteem and courage in the past 3 years. I have come to realize that a loss of hope and optimism has been a strong force behind my heavy drinking that increased after my vision loss. I found that when I wasn't sober, I lost most of the capacity to care about my difference in vision. I have recently stopped. 2 months.
So what is my point. In acknowledging my failure in what I thought was dealing with my new situation and visual perception of reality but was instead smothering it in chemical coping mechanisms, I am striving to peacefully allow my new normal to not be a source of negativity. It is going not so hot. I've been experience these next things for awhile but they're getting worse.
The main thing is a feeling of detachment I have physically from the world around me. Including and especially people. When I am occupied with a dangerous task, whether it being driving, building, etc, it isn't an issue. When I am in a more casual setting free to act at my own pace, I find my mind constantly straining to create an accurate model of distance, depth and shape of everything around. Essentially trying to revert to a mode it knew for 34 years. It is exhausting. And yet it is me, my brain, my choice? When I am near my partner now, I find myself distracted by staring at her. Trying to sense the roundness of her face. Trying to sense her distance instead of being comfortable with it. When we're touching, I find myself focusing on trying to create and compare what her body feels like and what I'm seeing. I do not feel present with her in a physical sense. My body feels surprised and confused by how she feels in relation to appears.
I feel as though I have a phantom reality that is overlayed with what I perceive.
Lately more and more I close my eyes when I walk to try and sense the world with touch and with confidence but this usually only last for a few steps before I anxiously reopen my eyes. I am feeling very detached from my own body. Im wondering if this is a result of my brain straining so much on what is visual for so long. I feel claustrophobic in almost all settings as my ability to feel separate from whatever I'm looking at has diminished so much. It's as though I'm viewing the world with a telescopic periscope. Any sense of distance or space needed to feel relaxed has diminished.
I feel as though I could keep going but anyone reading this that can relate doubtfully needs anymore examples.
Im not sure what to do to move forward with this besides talking about it, removing unhealthy coping mechanisms, and try to engage in as many body coordination requiring activities as possible.
Thanks for reading. I hope none of this is insensitive to any of the situations you all are dealing with or have overcome. I wish and hope for the best for all of you.
At first, I was making efforts to try and remember what it was like to have 3D vision. That has faded. I only recently had a dream being the first one I recall where it wasn't 3D. In the dream, my perception of the world was the same as it is now. In it, I was approaching and navigating the world with the same caution I do now. Not bounding through it with no thought or worry to my integration into my surroundings. It made me realize that my memories too are now in 2D. Including those from before the accident.
I have had issues with self-esteem and courage in the past 3 years. I have come to realize that a loss of hope and optimism has been a strong force behind my heavy drinking that increased after my vision loss. I found that when I wasn't sober, I lost most of the capacity to care about my difference in vision. I have recently stopped. 2 months.
So what is my point. In acknowledging my failure in what I thought was dealing with my new situation and visual perception of reality but was instead smothering it in chemical coping mechanisms, I am striving to peacefully allow my new normal to not be a source of negativity. It is going not so hot. I've been experience these next things for awhile but they're getting worse.
The main thing is a feeling of detachment I have physically from the world around me. Including and especially people. When I am occupied with a dangerous task, whether it being driving, building, etc, it isn't an issue. When I am in a more casual setting free to act at my own pace, I find my mind constantly straining to create an accurate model of distance, depth and shape of everything around. Essentially trying to revert to a mode it knew for 34 years. It is exhausting. And yet it is me, my brain, my choice? When I am near my partner now, I find myself distracted by staring at her. Trying to sense the roundness of her face. Trying to sense her distance instead of being comfortable with it. When we're touching, I find myself focusing on trying to create and compare what her body feels like and what I'm seeing. I do not feel present with her in a physical sense. My body feels surprised and confused by how she feels in relation to appears.
I feel as though I have a phantom reality that is overlayed with what I perceive.
Lately more and more I close my eyes when I walk to try and sense the world with touch and with confidence but this usually only last for a few steps before I anxiously reopen my eyes. I am feeling very detached from my own body. Im wondering if this is a result of my brain straining so much on what is visual for so long. I feel claustrophobic in almost all settings as my ability to feel separate from whatever I'm looking at has diminished so much. It's as though I'm viewing the world with a telescopic periscope. Any sense of distance or space needed to feel relaxed has diminished.
I feel as though I could keep going but anyone reading this that can relate doubtfully needs anymore examples.
Im not sure what to do to move forward with this besides talking about it, removing unhealthy coping mechanisms, and try to engage in as many body coordination requiring activities as possible.
Thanks for reading. I hope none of this is insensitive to any of the situations you all are dealing with or have overcome. I wish and hope for the best for all of you.
siriuslylupin6 1 points 2y ago
I just want to say that blindness isn’t the end and this isn’t over. Blind people can do a lot of things.I am a rather capable and independent blind person. Life continues maybe not what you’re doing no driving obviously and constructions sort of but maybe not like that. But a world is ahead of you there’s still blind people who are extremely hands on and independent. I say if you’re pragmatic and hands on and physically able and skilled you can adapt and learn all the good stuff and be very capable and workable. I’ve never seen much I have always had really bad and limited vision until 8 then went totally blind and operate in the world quite well, so don’t lose hope.
Amonwilde 1 points 2y ago
The feeling of separation from reality is a thing you get with blindness, though I haven't heard it much from monocular people. The cane helps with this a lot, but I suppose you aren't in a situation to use a cane.
I'd say lay off the chemical coping mechanisms for a bit and take up either running, if you can, walking, or weight lifting. Or something like yoga, I guess. Being out up shape can mess with your kinesthetics.
Not sure if this is helpful, but you should still have 3D vision. What you don't have is binocular vision. Only some parts of 3D vision are based on binocular vision, really most of it isn't.
https://www.novavisioncenter.com/blog/depth-perception-vs-binocular-vision/
This is, perhaps, kind of obvious, and I usually hate when people just say "do therapy," but you might want to talk to someone about your self-perception as damaged. And, again, not to be unhelpful, it sounds like you're really struggling, but many people on here, including me, would kill to have vision in one eye. And yet I think my life is pretty great, and in fact I'm a very lucky person. You have a lot of leeway in how you interpret your life and see yourself, if you think you're damaged you're damaged and if you think you're OK, you're OK. I know you can't flip a switch and change your attitude, but I do think you can become open a to a change that takes place over months or years, and maybe you can work toward that better place.
I'd say lay off the chemical coping mechanisms for a bit and take up either running, if you can, walking, or weight lifting. Or something like yoga, I guess. Being out up shape can mess with your kinesthetics.
Not sure if this is helpful, but you should still have 3D vision. What you don't have is binocular vision. Only some parts of 3D vision are based on binocular vision, really most of it isn't.
https://www.novavisioncenter.com/blog/depth-perception-vs-binocular-vision/
This is, perhaps, kind of obvious, and I usually hate when people just say "do therapy," but you might want to talk to someone about your self-perception as damaged. And, again, not to be unhelpful, it sounds like you're really struggling, but many people on here, including me, would kill to have vision in one eye. And yet I think my life is pretty great, and in fact I'm a very lucky person. You have a lot of leeway in how you interpret your life and see yourself, if you think you're damaged you're damaged and if you think you're OK, you're OK. I know you can't flip a switch and change your attitude, but I do think you can become open a to a change that takes place over months or years, and maybe you can work toward that better place.
freesoup [OP] 1 points 2y ago
Any similar experiences?
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