Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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I mowed the lawn for the last time this morning (self.Blind)
submitted by OldManOnFire
I don't know if this is a rant or a vent or a scream for acknowledgement in a cold Universe, but here it goes.
I mowed the lawn this morning. I probably missed a lot of spots I just couldn't see. The shady areas under the trees were too dark for me to see what I was doing.
The part of Texas where I live is in a drought so I haven't had to mow much this year. I haven't mowed the lawn in about a month until today. It's astonishing how much vision I've lost in a month.
There are places I only go once a year or so, and I could tell they were darker than the last time I visited, but it took a whole year to notice. I didn't notice day to day changes so everything was okay.
Then I started noticing the places I visit every month were darker, too. But I still didn't notice day to day changes so it's still all good.
Then the grocery store I shop at every weekend got a little darker each time I visited. That was troubling but I still didn't notice day to day changes so nothing felt too urgent.
Finally my eyesight got to the point that the kitchen and bedroom look darker every day than the day before. The loss of my eyesight is accelerating, and the rate of acceleration seems to be increasing. But I've still got a good life so I told myself everything's okay.
But trying to find the patches of grass I'd missed with the lawn mower today kind of broke something inside of me. How the hell did I lose so much eyesight in 30 days? Even though I notice it getting worse every single day now, how could just 30 days of gradual loss make a hole that freakin' deep?
I usually don't like mowing the grass much. It's sweaty and humid outside and we've got way more yard than we need. But I enjoyed mowing it today. I realized it's the end of summer and probably won't need it again until next spring, and by next spring I won't be doing it anymore. It kind of felt like the last day at a job, or maybe the last day of school, with nostalgia and wistfulness and a sense of pride for a job well done. I can't even remember the last time I drove a car because I had no idea it would be the last time I'd be able to drive a car. I wish I could have felt the same sense of nostalgia and wistfulness and pride for driving, but that ship has sailed. It feels like an opportunity lost.
To my little black Murray lawnmower with the Briggs and Stratton engine, thank you. Thanks for starting on the first pull today. Thanks for getting through the entire front lawn on one tank of gas. Thanks for years of service. Thanks for the exercise you gave me. Thanks for keeping the HOA Karens out of my life. Sorry I ran you into the pole.
Most of all, thanks for keeping me company today. This is goodbye, buddy. You've been a good little mower. We did good together. We made a good team.
I mowed the lawn this morning. I probably missed a lot of spots I just couldn't see. The shady areas under the trees were too dark for me to see what I was doing.
The part of Texas where I live is in a drought so I haven't had to mow much this year. I haven't mowed the lawn in about a month until today. It's astonishing how much vision I've lost in a month.
There are places I only go once a year or so, and I could tell they were darker than the last time I visited, but it took a whole year to notice. I didn't notice day to day changes so everything was okay.
Then I started noticing the places I visit every month were darker, too. But I still didn't notice day to day changes so it's still all good.
Then the grocery store I shop at every weekend got a little darker each time I visited. That was troubling but I still didn't notice day to day changes so nothing felt too urgent.
Finally my eyesight got to the point that the kitchen and bedroom look darker every day than the day before. The loss of my eyesight is accelerating, and the rate of acceleration seems to be increasing. But I've still got a good life so I told myself everything's okay.
But trying to find the patches of grass I'd missed with the lawn mower today kind of broke something inside of me. How the hell did I lose so much eyesight in 30 days? Even though I notice it getting worse every single day now, how could just 30 days of gradual loss make a hole that freakin' deep?
I usually don't like mowing the grass much. It's sweaty and humid outside and we've got way more yard than we need. But I enjoyed mowing it today. I realized it's the end of summer and probably won't need it again until next spring, and by next spring I won't be doing it anymore. It kind of felt like the last day at a job, or maybe the last day of school, with nostalgia and wistfulness and a sense of pride for a job well done. I can't even remember the last time I drove a car because I had no idea it would be the last time I'd be able to drive a car. I wish I could have felt the same sense of nostalgia and wistfulness and pride for driving, but that ship has sailed. It feels like an opportunity lost.
To my little black Murray lawnmower with the Briggs and Stratton engine, thank you. Thanks for starting on the first pull today. Thanks for getting through the entire front lawn on one tank of gas. Thanks for years of service. Thanks for the exercise you gave me. Thanks for keeping the HOA Karens out of my life. Sorry I ran you into the pole.
Most of all, thanks for keeping me company today. This is goodbye, buddy. You've been a good little mower. We did good together. We made a good team.
snimminycricket 16 points 1y ago
This is a beautiful sort of meditation on the loss you're experiencing. I'm sorry your vision loss is accelerating; mine is too, though it hasn't gotten to this rapid rate of decline yet. But your post is a reflection of what I think a lot of us are going through in some way or another. All those little "milestones" of the last time you're able to do this or that menial-seeming task suddenly become landmark moments. And those tasks you never really cared to do before suddenly inspire a sense of nostalgia for the life you used to live. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I was incredibly moved reading this, and I appreciate you sharing it with us.
OldManOnFire [OP] 9 points 1y ago
*All those little "milestones" of the last time you're able to do this or*
*that menial-seeming task suddenly become landmark moments. And those*
*tasks you never really cared to do before suddenly inspire a sense of*
*nostalgia for the life you used to live.*
This! You summed up in two sentences what I fumbled around for two pages. Thank you.
*that menial-seeming task suddenly become landmark moments. And those*
*tasks you never really cared to do before suddenly inspire a sense of*
*nostalgia for the life you used to live.*
This! You summed up in two sentences what I fumbled around for two pages. Thank you.
snimminycricket 6 points 1y ago
I liked yours better, haha
MakihikiMalahini-who 15 points 1y ago
I went through the same when I was 5 years old. First I was able to see the hall from where I lay when I woke up, as usual. The following day I could just see the door frame, and then just the door the day after. It got worse each day and I was left with no vision after a few days like this.
There was a computer game that I used to play each day, my dad would move the monitor close and I'd play it just fine. Finally, I remember standing up crying and saying I can't play, I can't see it anymore and left the room. I guess it was somewhat traumatic as for the life of me I can't remember what happened next but I don't remember being depressed much, I think I was lucky for going through this as a child rather than as a teenager / adult. Kids can adapt to pretty much anything so life just kept going on.
There was a computer game that I used to play each day, my dad would move the monitor close and I'd play it just fine. Finally, I remember standing up crying and saying I can't play, I can't see it anymore and left the room. I guess it was somewhat traumatic as for the life of me I can't remember what happened next but I don't remember being depressed much, I think I was lucky for going through this as a child rather than as a teenager / adult. Kids can adapt to pretty much anything so life just kept going on.
OldManOnFire [OP] 9 points 1y ago
Adults can adapt too, we just don't like to =)
Thanks for making me feel not so alone.
Thanks for making me feel not so alone.
Raf_AL 11 points 1y ago
I didn't expect this to affect me as much as it did, but you made me shed a few tears before going to bed tonight.
I don't really know what to say except that I'm really sorry that you're losing your vision so rapidly. I just can't imagine it myself, since I've been legally blind all my life.
The best thing I can do myself is not worrying about not being able to do all the difficult things in life, but rather appreciate the small things I'm capable of doing without difficulties.
Thank you for sharing the things you're going through.
I don't really know what to say except that I'm really sorry that you're losing your vision so rapidly. I just can't imagine it myself, since I've been legally blind all my life.
The best thing I can do myself is not worrying about not being able to do all the difficult things in life, but rather appreciate the small things I'm capable of doing without difficulties.
Thank you for sharing the things you're going through.
OldManOnFire [OP] 7 points 1y ago
Thank you.
Today was the first day it really hit me. It's bittersweet, that moment in time where you're still capable of doing something but know you'll never be able to do it again.
I guess everybody goes through that as they age. It's not exclusive to the blind. There will come a time in everyone's life when they can't mow the lawn anymore. I'm glad for the awareness I had today, the chance to feel nostalgia and say goodbye.
Today was the first day it really hit me. It's bittersweet, that moment in time where you're still capable of doing something but know you'll never be able to do it again.
I guess everybody goes through that as they age. It's not exclusive to the blind. There will come a time in everyone's life when they can't mow the lawn anymore. I'm glad for the awareness I had today, the chance to feel nostalgia and say goodbye.
zomgperry 10 points 1y ago
I just lost most of my vision early this summer. I was already legally blind but could still do many things visually. It’s been rough.
We both still have a good life ahead of us. There’s just some learning and grieving that has to come first.
We both still have a good life ahead of us. There’s just some learning and grieving that has to come first.
OldManOnFire [OP] 9 points 1y ago
Yeah, you're right. I've been so busy adapting to my changing vision that I kind of forgot to grieve its loss. Today was good for me.
Funny how going blind has opened my eyes. What an odd metaphor!
Funny how going blind has opened my eyes. What an odd metaphor!
HeftyCryptographer21 7 points 1y ago
I know this isn't what you were asking, but you can mow the lawn blind, even if you can't see it. Just make sure you go straight, and it'll be fine.
OldManOnFire [OP] 9 points 1y ago
Not safe in my yard. Too many low hanging branches. I could... *lose an eye*!
HeftyCryptographer21 2 points 1y ago
oh damn. Maybe glasses, or goggles?
Lighthouse412 6 points 1y ago
My father's vision loss after being stable for years is accelerating and we don't know how long he'll have left of being able to "see" anything. You've given me insight as to what that experience might be like for him.
I see him in a couple weeks for what might be the last visit that he's actually able to "see" me.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but thank you for sharing your experience.
I see him in a couple weeks for what might be the last visit that he's actually able to "see" me.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but thank you for sharing your experience.
OldManOnFire [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Thank you. I hope your dad is doing well.
Lighthouse412 2 points 1y ago
Thank you. He seems to have this magical power for always figuring out a way to keep going. This is just one more very large hurdle.
I wish you smooth sailing on your continued journey.
I wish you smooth sailing on your continued journey.
EmotionalCable3373 4 points 1y ago
I feel your pain, I understand. I grieve with you.
I, too, lost useful vision way too fast over that last year, while my doctor was downplaying it and minimizing it. And it didn’t impair my daily life that much.
Until a couple of months ago, when I was cruising down the highway (I was a truck driver), I somehow realized that I wasn’t seeing some vehicles, my random blind spots were preventing me from effectively scanning my surroundings.
Later that day, I finished my delivery, and popped my air breaks for the last time.
Since then, life has been incredibly empty. I am 36, have been driving for 20. And that sudden disability, I didn’t see it coming, no pun intended.
You’re not alone. Sending positive thoughts.
I, too, lost useful vision way too fast over that last year, while my doctor was downplaying it and minimizing it. And it didn’t impair my daily life that much.
Until a couple of months ago, when I was cruising down the highway (I was a truck driver), I somehow realized that I wasn’t seeing some vehicles, my random blind spots were preventing me from effectively scanning my surroundings.
Later that day, I finished my delivery, and popped my air breaks for the last time.
Since then, life has been incredibly empty. I am 36, have been driving for 20. And that sudden disability, I didn’t see it coming, no pun intended.
You’re not alone. Sending positive thoughts.
snimminycricket 3 points 1y ago
At 38, I just stopped driving about 3 months ago. I knew it would come, and had been telling myself it would probably happen before I turned 40. But one week I found myself incredibly on edge every time I got behind the wheel, despite limiting myself to my usual familiar route between work and home. And it was the same thing you said: I wasn't seeing the cars in the lane next to me until they would leave my blind spot and startle me, I wasn't seeing pedestrians (who, to their credit, were waiting their turn and not jumping out in front of me) until I was driving past where they were standing on the curb, and I just wasn't at all confident anymore that my constant scanning of my surroundings was sufficient to prevent catastrophe. When I got home on Thursday that week I told my spouse, "I think I need to stop driving," and on Friday I got home and knew that was the last time.
It's a weird feeling. I'm lucky that I can still ride a bike (and, as of a few weeks ago, my new ebike!) but even that can be tricky. I just go slow and ride VERY defensively, stopping at every intersection and making sure there won't be any surprises as I ride out across the street. And I feel good about the fact that if I do slip up and miss something I should have seen, it will most likely be me who gets hurt and no one else. But I've always loved driving, ever since the first time my big brother took me out on a driving lesson. I miss it, but it was so scary that last week that I know I can never do it again.
It must be even harder that you were a truck driver. Have you started in another job yet?
It's a weird feeling. I'm lucky that I can still ride a bike (and, as of a few weeks ago, my new ebike!) but even that can be tricky. I just go slow and ride VERY defensively, stopping at every intersection and making sure there won't be any surprises as I ride out across the street. And I feel good about the fact that if I do slip up and miss something I should have seen, it will most likely be me who gets hurt and no one else. But I've always loved driving, ever since the first time my big brother took me out on a driving lesson. I miss it, but it was so scary that last week that I know I can never do it again.
It must be even harder that you were a truck driver. Have you started in another job yet?
EmotionalCable3373 2 points 1y ago
Thanks for sharing your story, I know it’s not an easy task. Yes, I wasn’t chancing it while driving around with 120.000 lbs of steel and rubber (and hay, or grain, or fertilizer). I am a three million miler, no accident involving another vehicle ever.
I don’t have another job yet, it’s been a couple of months and I still haven’t landed from my depression cloud.
I was thinking mechanics and equipment maintenance, I know how to do that. That would be my obvious move.
Anyway, thanks for reading, enjoy your ride, and stay safe!
I don’t have another job yet, it’s been a couple of months and I still haven’t landed from my depression cloud.
I was thinking mechanics and equipment maintenance, I know how to do that. That would be my obvious move.
Anyway, thanks for reading, enjoy your ride, and stay safe!
snimminycricket 2 points 1y ago
Best of luck to you!
OldManOnFire [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Thank you.
I understand life is unpredictable. Nothing is guaranteed. We can get the vaccine and wear our seatbelts and take our Vitamin C and think we're safe but we're not. We can reduce the risk of bad things happening to us but nobody gets out of this life alive. Gravity's gonna win by six feet no matter what. My head knows all that.
My heart's the one having trouble accepting it. This feeling of powerlessness. This fear of the future, of being irrelevant, of being a burden. I knew the day would come where my life's most important work would be behind me. I just didn't realize it would come so soon.
I understand life is unpredictable. Nothing is guaranteed. We can get the vaccine and wear our seatbelts and take our Vitamin C and think we're safe but we're not. We can reduce the risk of bad things happening to us but nobody gets out of this life alive. Gravity's gonna win by six feet no matter what. My head knows all that.
My heart's the one having trouble accepting it. This feeling of powerlessness. This fear of the future, of being irrelevant, of being a burden. I knew the day would come where my life's most important work would be behind me. I just didn't realize it would come so soon.
EmotionalCable3373 2 points 1y ago
I am right there with you, It is way too soon. With the current life expectancy of about 80 years, I will be blind for most of my life. That prospect is devastating.
I am not helping you much here, but I somehow know that I will adapt and overcome. Not sure how and when though.
For what it’s worth, I am just one dm away. Peace.
I am not helping you much here, but I somehow know that I will adapt and overcome. Not sure how and when though.
For what it’s worth, I am just one dm away. Peace.
QuentinJamesP89 2 points 1y ago
I didn't even think about that... being blind for most of my life. I'm only 32 and lost most of my vision last year. Adjusting and accepting it has been a longer process than I expected.
EmotionalCable3373 1 points 1y ago
Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring gloom and doom. It’s a challenging situation, and realizing that people are going through the same ordeal eases the loneliness. And I don’t think there’s a consensual amount of time after which you’re supposed to be accepting and functional, no matter what anyone else will tell you. Take care.
B-dub31 4 points 1y ago
I feel you. I still mow ours, but I have a hard time. It's not seeing where I am going, it is telling where I have and haven't mowed because it all looks blurry green. If I hadn't mowed it for 8 years befor my partial vision loss, I couldn't do it. But it is my only option because it would be prohibitively expensive to hire it out and my father-in-law is elderly. Luckily, my boys are right about the age to start moving for me. I also have a hard time maintaining the equipment, so I may end up giving it up anyway.
goldfingas 3 points 1y ago
I went threw the same thing when I lost my sight at age 16. My younger brother and I were playing a game on the Sega master system, and when we went to bed, we paused the game to finish playing the next day after school. When I woke up the next morning, whitch would have been my birthday, I had no vision. I have Glaucoma. The doctors warned me that my vision could go at any time. I didn't even get to finish the game! 😂 Oh well. I am 45, married, and enjoying life as a full time producer and musician. Life goes on weather you can see it or not. Make the best out of it, and don't swet the small stuff. 👍👍👍
OldManOnFire [OP] 1 points 1y ago
I'm glad you're making the best of it. What instruments do you play?
goldfingas 2 points 1y ago
I play keys, drums, and I would like to learn the guitar. I own a guitar, but I really don’t know what I’m doing with it. LOL
bradley22 3 points 1y ago
I read your replies and let me tell you, you're welcome here, blind in this case does not just maen, completely blind; it means VI too.
matt_may 3 points 1y ago
Feel ya. I blew up a mower earlier this year by running over a ground wire from the A/C until.
dunktheball 3 points 1y ago
I am only legally blind, but I was always worried if I were to mow lawns I'd miss places.
QuentinJamesP89 3 points 1y ago
Thank you for writing this. This was extremely moving. For me, I can't remember the last time I could actually see my wife's (and toddler's) face and expressions. It's very painful to think about.
You would think it would be easier since I've struggled with my vision my whole life, but after years of it being mostly stable I lost a ton of vision last year. I really wasn't expecting it. Suddenly everything is hard and just being careful and trying harder doesn't work anymore. It's a very frustrating and helpless feeling.
I grew up with very low vision in my only seeing eye, and never could drive, but that was normal vision to me and I got by pretty well. Now every time I do a task that used to be just part of life I struggle and feel inadequate and wonder if I should even be doing it. I still mow just because our yard is very small and fenced so there are clear boundaries for going in a methodical pattern, but I can't see what I'm doing. I also have a ton of remodeling work I was doing on the house before all my eye surgeries and it's been taking so long and I know deep down I'm not doing a great job anymore and it's a depressing and terrifying feeling.
You would think it would be easier since I've struggled with my vision my whole life, but after years of it being mostly stable I lost a ton of vision last year. I really wasn't expecting it. Suddenly everything is hard and just being careful and trying harder doesn't work anymore. It's a very frustrating and helpless feeling.
I grew up with very low vision in my only seeing eye, and never could drive, but that was normal vision to me and I got by pretty well. Now every time I do a task that used to be just part of life I struggle and feel inadequate and wonder if I should even be doing it. I still mow just because our yard is very small and fenced so there are clear boundaries for going in a methodical pattern, but I can't see what I'm doing. I also have a ton of remodeling work I was doing on the house before all my eye surgeries and it's been taking so long and I know deep down I'm not doing a great job anymore and it's a depressing and terrifying feeling.
OldManOnFire [OP] 3 points 1y ago
Ooh, that's tough.
I certainly relate to the feelings you describe. My wife is still working. She's a nurse. People depend on her to keep them healthy. She's important in a way I won't ever be again.
Nobody ever explained to me how to come to terms with that. I wasn't planning on retiring for another 15 years. All this engineering knowledge, all this experience designing and building furniture, all those algebra and calculus classes I used to teach at the community college - now I just wash dishes and think to myself how good it was to feel important.
If you need to talk to someone who understands don't be afraid to hit me up.
I certainly relate to the feelings you describe. My wife is still working. She's a nurse. People depend on her to keep them healthy. She's important in a way I won't ever be again.
Nobody ever explained to me how to come to terms with that. I wasn't planning on retiring for another 15 years. All this engineering knowledge, all this experience designing and building furniture, all those algebra and calculus classes I used to teach at the community college - now I just wash dishes and think to myself how good it was to feel important.
If you need to talk to someone who understands don't be afraid to hit me up.
QuentinJamesP89 2 points 1y ago
Thanks! Hopefully you can figure out ways to still make use of all the knowledge and skills you have. It's very hard to go from feeling productive and useful to struggling to do simple things and feeling like a burden.
For me one of my biggest losses was playing the piano. I am a decently advanced player, but the inability to see the music anymore is a huge set back. Only being able to look at small bits of music at a time, and not while playing, and having to memorize everything makes the process arduous and means I don't learn as many pieces or as complex as I would like. But I'm still working on it and figuring out new ways to handle the difficulties. Hopefully you are able to figure out different ways to still do some of the things you love.
For me one of my biggest losses was playing the piano. I am a decently advanced player, but the inability to see the music anymore is a huge set back. Only being able to look at small bits of music at a time, and not while playing, and having to memorize everything makes the process arduous and means I don't learn as many pieces or as complex as I would like. But I'm still working on it and figuring out new ways to handle the difficulties. Hopefully you are able to figure out different ways to still do some of the things you love.
torelma 2 points 1y ago
Damn this was an emotional kick in the balls. Thank you for sharing this.
I'm also experiencing vision loss but much slower, so I don't know what it's like for you but I know the feeling of not noticing a change day to day and then suddenly I walk right into a lamppost and I'm screaming internally because in that moment it's impossible to sweep under the rug. I like to think I've made my peace with it but it's moments like that where I realize I really haven't.
I'm also experiencing vision loss but much slower, so I don't know what it's like for you but I know the feeling of not noticing a change day to day and then suddenly I walk right into a lamppost and I'm screaming internally because in that moment it's impossible to sweep under the rug. I like to think I've made my peace with it but it's moments like that where I realize I really haven't.
OldManOnFire [OP] 3 points 1y ago
That's what this post was about, I guess. Making peace with the new reality I've been denying.
It's strange. I don't *feel* like I'm in denial most of the time, then something like mowing the lawn makes me realize I knew this was happening all along but pretended it didn't matter. I consider myself a rational person and the rational thing to do would be to accept this new reality.
But I'm not ready to stop pretending yet. I still think of going blind as something that will happen to me, not something that has happened to me. It's like my personal definition of old people - they're always 10 or15 years older than my current age. The goalposts keep moving just far enough for me to avoid accepting uncomfortable truths.
It took me a few weeks to click JOIN COMMUNITY after I found this sub. It seemed dishonest to join a community for blind people because I hadn't acknowledged my vision loss. I didn't think of myself as blind. It wasn't until the doctor signed a certificate of legal blindness that I felt I had the right to post here. And I still feel like I don't really belong because I still have so much functional eyesight. There's a part of me that's afraid someone who's *really* blind is gonna tear into me for diverting to myself the sympathy that rightfully belongs to them. It sounds stoopid, I know, but I'm trying to be honest. Participating here still feels a little like walking on eggshells, but it's getting easier for me.
It's strange. I don't *feel* like I'm in denial most of the time, then something like mowing the lawn makes me realize I knew this was happening all along but pretended it didn't matter. I consider myself a rational person and the rational thing to do would be to accept this new reality.
But I'm not ready to stop pretending yet. I still think of going blind as something that will happen to me, not something that has happened to me. It's like my personal definition of old people - they're always 10 or15 years older than my current age. The goalposts keep moving just far enough for me to avoid accepting uncomfortable truths.
It took me a few weeks to click JOIN COMMUNITY after I found this sub. It seemed dishonest to join a community for blind people because I hadn't acknowledged my vision loss. I didn't think of myself as blind. It wasn't until the doctor signed a certificate of legal blindness that I felt I had the right to post here. And I still feel like I don't really belong because I still have so much functional eyesight. There's a part of me that's afraid someone who's *really* blind is gonna tear into me for diverting to myself the sympathy that rightfully belongs to them. It sounds stoopid, I know, but I'm trying to be honest. Participating here still feels a little like walking on eggshells, but it's getting easier for me.
torelma 2 points 1y ago
I know the exact feeling of thinking that being in a process where you're getting blind but you're not like, someone who's born blind with a cane and a dog makes you an imposter. But I don't think anyone at least in this sub will do that, like I've been a lurker here for a little while and I haven't seen anyone like that.
I'm not legally blind yet but I absolutely would benefit from having a cane at least in the evenings/nights and basically wrote off driving before I even started because I already kind of couldn't see on the sides and I was terrified of just immediately killing some pedestrian.
The cane is just symbolically a step too far for me right now because then it makes it real. Even though the rational decision would be to get started on learning to use it while I have a decent amount of vision. Right now I have enough vision that if I behave oddly in public, people will assume I'm intoxicated or I have a mild mental disability as opposed to a sensory one, which I'm oddly ok with because for all I know I probably do as well, but if I have a cane then I'm A Blind (or sighted people will realize I have *some* sight and think I'm A Fake Blind, which could create some problems). Being seen with the cane isn't something I can really walk back.
Edit: And having said that, it's of course not like I think less of *other* people for being blind. But when it comes to me on some level it feels like I have 10 or so years of life left before I can't work or go out with my friends or find a relationship. A bit like what you said about thinking "old" is always 10 years older than you and moving the goalposts. When I was a teenager I thought that it would start getting really bad when I hit 30 and basically full throttle blindness at 40, and I'm now 28.
My eyesight has noticeably worsened as an adult but it's so gradual that I've mostly adapted. But for instance I don't walk everywhere like I used to, I spend money on ubers instead of public transportation just because I can't deal with connections in a place I'm unfamiliar with when that never used to be a problem, things that used to be a mild inconvenience like getting around in a somewhat fairly well lit urban environment are now sending me into fight or flight mode. So to an extent it is also something that's already happened to me rather than will happen, which I guess is why I resonate so much with your experience even though I'm sure the specifics are different.
I'm not legally blind yet but I absolutely would benefit from having a cane at least in the evenings/nights and basically wrote off driving before I even started because I already kind of couldn't see on the sides and I was terrified of just immediately killing some pedestrian.
The cane is just symbolically a step too far for me right now because then it makes it real. Even though the rational decision would be to get started on learning to use it while I have a decent amount of vision. Right now I have enough vision that if I behave oddly in public, people will assume I'm intoxicated or I have a mild mental disability as opposed to a sensory one, which I'm oddly ok with because for all I know I probably do as well, but if I have a cane then I'm A Blind (or sighted people will realize I have *some* sight and think I'm A Fake Blind, which could create some problems). Being seen with the cane isn't something I can really walk back.
Edit: And having said that, it's of course not like I think less of *other* people for being blind. But when it comes to me on some level it feels like I have 10 or so years of life left before I can't work or go out with my friends or find a relationship. A bit like what you said about thinking "old" is always 10 years older than you and moving the goalposts. When I was a teenager I thought that it would start getting really bad when I hit 30 and basically full throttle blindness at 40, and I'm now 28.
My eyesight has noticeably worsened as an adult but it's so gradual that I've mostly adapted. But for instance I don't walk everywhere like I used to, I spend money on ubers instead of public transportation just because I can't deal with connections in a place I'm unfamiliar with when that never used to be a problem, things that used to be a mild inconvenience like getting around in a somewhat fairly well lit urban environment are now sending me into fight or flight mode. So to an extent it is also something that's already happened to me rather than will happen, which I guess is why I resonate so much with your experience even though I'm sure the specifics are different.
snimminycricket 2 points 1y ago
There's a new sub, r/LowVision, that is for people who maybe feel out of place in this sub because they aren't totally blind. It hasn't been terribly active so far, but please join! I have a fair amount of useful vision left and therefore don't entirely relate to some of the posts here in the Blind sub, but I haven't ever encountered anyone here treating us low vision folks like imposters because we can still see some stuff. So I'm happy to be in both!
torelma 2 points 1y ago
Thank you so much! I've just checked it out and the NYT article on the guy with RP is really cool. His description of his sight is something that I connect with a lot since Choroideremia is very similar to RP and something i've always struggled to convey to sighted friends.
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