Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Almost Time to Give Up The Keys (self.Blind)
submitted by NeuroticNomad
My first eye surgery was 28 years ago. Since then, there have been more than a dozen more; so many that I lose count and have to check my old records. "Going Blind" has been part of my identity since forever, it feels -- and yet it always felt like it was never going to ever really happen.
Denial is super easy when you retain center vision, and only one eye at a time needs help. I got accustomed to the tick-tock of Right Eye / Left Eye surgeries and medications. Only once before were both bad at the same time, but I knew at the time it was temporary so I looked at my time with the white cane as A Learning Experience and an Adventure (TM). That was in 2009. By late 2010 I was 'fully sighted' again and back to feeling immortal.
Life had it's normal ups and downs, but all-in-all, it was pretty great, until that night in October 2018 when the car I was in was rear-ended. My date was driving and we were stopped at a red light. She was turned to speak to me when the man texting and driving hit us at full speed. That was when her life became all about physical therapy and walking rehab and my world started getting blurrier and darker at an accelerated rate.
After some trial and error, my doctors found a medication schedule that stopped the shrinking vision field and worsening acuity and I was able to get glasses that lasted more than a few weeks. I got reacquainted with my white cane and tried to make everyone at work feel comfortable with my situation. "I can either watch my step or watch where I'm going, but not both at the same time. This keeps me from bumping into stuff." Life got back to mostly-normal.
Then the pandemic started.
My company went Work From Anywhere and the world shut down; so Home, the pharmacy, and the grocery store were my whole world. I didn't realize how bad my vision had gotten since 2019 because 2020/2021 didn't give me many opportunities to go into unfamiliar areas.
Earlier this year, some movie theaters opened back up, so when it came out, I decided to go see Chang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings on the big screen. It was an hour's drive from my apartment and in a part of town I hadn't visited since high school. The drive there was easy enough, but way more stressful than expected. I wasn't used to dealing with traffic or GPS or unfamiliar roads anymore. Little did I know that this was the easy drive that day.
Night had fallen and it was dark by the time the movie let out, The drive home was the most terrifying thing I've experienced this year. I could see the lanes and the other cars. I could see traffic lights and street lights... but road signs were impossible. My GPS kept trying to direct me to the highway (OH HAIL NAW!) so it was of little use and trying to find my way out of a part of town I'd not seen in decades was not exactly a walk in the park. It took me over two and a half hours to get home, because I kept getting lost.
That was the last time I drove after dark.
At the time, I could mostly still see out of both eyes; albeit with a smaller vision field. Now, as I type this, the cornea transplant in my left eye has failed and the cataract in my right eye is now blocking enough vision that I can't read most print (thank goodness for the magnifier app on my phone).
I only drive to the grocery store and only during the day. I probably have until New Year before I won't be able to do even that.
My eyes have a lot of scar tissue (I also have glaucoma and have two implants per eye in addition to all this other stuff) but my surgeon thinks Lefty can survive another transplant. He's going to try something a little different to try to prevent what caused my last one to fail. If successful, I can get another 4-7 years out of my left eye! Trying not to get my hopes too far up. Whatever the outcome, we'll then roll the dice on my right eye.
While I'm on my Medical Adventure, I will be unable to safely operate a car. I will begin 2022 with my car parked and my keys in a drawer and not have any idea when, if ever, I will drive again.
Is it weird that I'm more stressed over my loss of driving than my loss of vision?
Denial is super easy when you retain center vision, and only one eye at a time needs help. I got accustomed to the tick-tock of Right Eye / Left Eye surgeries and medications. Only once before were both bad at the same time, but I knew at the time it was temporary so I looked at my time with the white cane as A Learning Experience and an Adventure (TM). That was in 2009. By late 2010 I was 'fully sighted' again and back to feeling immortal.
Life had it's normal ups and downs, but all-in-all, it was pretty great, until that night in October 2018 when the car I was in was rear-ended. My date was driving and we were stopped at a red light. She was turned to speak to me when the man texting and driving hit us at full speed. That was when her life became all about physical therapy and walking rehab and my world started getting blurrier and darker at an accelerated rate.
After some trial and error, my doctors found a medication schedule that stopped the shrinking vision field and worsening acuity and I was able to get glasses that lasted more than a few weeks. I got reacquainted with my white cane and tried to make everyone at work feel comfortable with my situation. "I can either watch my step or watch where I'm going, but not both at the same time. This keeps me from bumping into stuff." Life got back to mostly-normal.
Then the pandemic started.
My company went Work From Anywhere and the world shut down; so Home, the pharmacy, and the grocery store were my whole world. I didn't realize how bad my vision had gotten since 2019 because 2020/2021 didn't give me many opportunities to go into unfamiliar areas.
Earlier this year, some movie theaters opened back up, so when it came out, I decided to go see Chang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings on the big screen. It was an hour's drive from my apartment and in a part of town I hadn't visited since high school. The drive there was easy enough, but way more stressful than expected. I wasn't used to dealing with traffic or GPS or unfamiliar roads anymore. Little did I know that this was the easy drive that day.
Night had fallen and it was dark by the time the movie let out, The drive home was the most terrifying thing I've experienced this year. I could see the lanes and the other cars. I could see traffic lights and street lights... but road signs were impossible. My GPS kept trying to direct me to the highway (OH HAIL NAW!) so it was of little use and trying to find my way out of a part of town I'd not seen in decades was not exactly a walk in the park. It took me over two and a half hours to get home, because I kept getting lost.
That was the last time I drove after dark.
At the time, I could mostly still see out of both eyes; albeit with a smaller vision field. Now, as I type this, the cornea transplant in my left eye has failed and the cataract in my right eye is now blocking enough vision that I can't read most print (thank goodness for the magnifier app on my phone).
I only drive to the grocery store and only during the day. I probably have until New Year before I won't be able to do even that.
My eyes have a lot of scar tissue (I also have glaucoma and have two implants per eye in addition to all this other stuff) but my surgeon thinks Lefty can survive another transplant. He's going to try something a little different to try to prevent what caused my last one to fail. If successful, I can get another 4-7 years out of my left eye! Trying not to get my hopes too far up. Whatever the outcome, we'll then roll the dice on my right eye.
While I'm on my Medical Adventure, I will be unable to safely operate a car. I will begin 2022 with my car parked and my keys in a drawer and not have any idea when, if ever, I will drive again.
Is it weird that I'm more stressed over my loss of driving than my loss of vision?
OldManOnFire 6 points 1y ago
It's not unusual at all.
I've learned the hardest part of going blind is the emotional part. There were things we were good at, things we took pride in doing, things that we used to measure our success as adults. Driving was one of them. Then BAM! It's taken away from us.
It's just driving. It's not the end of the world, rationally. But emotionally it's something more. It's freedom, it's responsibility, it's competence. Getting a driver's license is a rite of passage into adulthood. Teenagers bond with their cars the same way cowboys bonded with their horses. You even get bonus cool points for being able to drive a stick shift or a motorcycle. Driving becomes part of our identity. Losing it is a very big deal.
I gave my keys to my daughter a month ago. Wednesday she totaled my car on her way to work. She was too embarrassed to show up for Thanksgiving because she thinks I'm upset, but I'm not. That car means nothing to me anymore because I couldn't drive it anyway.
My point is this - you'll grieve the loss of driving, then you'll accept it and move on, and when your daughter wrecks your car and you don't feel its loss you'll realize just how far you've come down the road of acceptance.
My advice is to take time to grieve. Don't skip it. Dive into it. Wallow around in self pity until you realize you are so much more than your driver's license. You are not your abilities, you are not your limitations, you are not your circumstances, you are not your career, you are not your education, you are you. You're just as complete and whole and worthy in the passenger seat as you were in the driver's seat. It took me awhile to get there but I did. I know you will, too.
I've learned the hardest part of going blind is the emotional part. There were things we were good at, things we took pride in doing, things that we used to measure our success as adults. Driving was one of them. Then BAM! It's taken away from us.
It's just driving. It's not the end of the world, rationally. But emotionally it's something more. It's freedom, it's responsibility, it's competence. Getting a driver's license is a rite of passage into adulthood. Teenagers bond with their cars the same way cowboys bonded with their horses. You even get bonus cool points for being able to drive a stick shift or a motorcycle. Driving becomes part of our identity. Losing it is a very big deal.
I gave my keys to my daughter a month ago. Wednesday she totaled my car on her way to work. She was too embarrassed to show up for Thanksgiving because she thinks I'm upset, but I'm not. That car means nothing to me anymore because I couldn't drive it anyway.
My point is this - you'll grieve the loss of driving, then you'll accept it and move on, and when your daughter wrecks your car and you don't feel its loss you'll realize just how far you've come down the road of acceptance.
My advice is to take time to grieve. Don't skip it. Dive into it. Wallow around in self pity until you realize you are so much more than your driver's license. You are not your abilities, you are not your limitations, you are not your circumstances, you are not your career, you are not your education, you are you. You're just as complete and whole and worthy in the passenger seat as you were in the driver's seat. It took me awhile to get there but I did. I know you will, too.
NeuroticNomad [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Thank you so much for this.
To me, it kind feels like graduating high school. Scared and excited about the future, and yet crying and hugging people for some reason.
lol.
To me, it kind feels like graduating high school. Scared and excited about the future, and yet crying and hugging people for some reason.
lol.
B-dub31 1 points 1y ago
Man, I feel you. My vision loss started in one eye. I was still able to drive. I had to quit driving at age 37, after driving for over 20 years. I'm not going to lie. It's the hardest part of vision loss for me. I wish I had some grand, wise thing to say, but I understand where you're coming from and I'm confident you will adapt and overcome. Best wishes to you!
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