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Blind and Visually Impaired Community

Full History - 2022 - 01 - 13 - ID#s3ep4x
14
Am I the Asshole: Being “Defined as Blind” (self.Blind)
submitted by Responsible_Point538
Greetings, title of post speaks for itself. Onto my question

I’m a person who is legally blind. Glasses, contacts, corrective surgery won’t help me. When I was younger, I would try to “pass” for sighted. A lot of my friends knew I was blind. Yet, many didn’t understand how bad it was or “didn’t get it.” Thus, they’d invite me to do things like play touch football, I’d say no, and they’d assume I was weird. I also didn’t drive which was isolating

I’m now 32 years old. My blindness impacts EVERYTHING about my life. It impacts where I live due to not being able to drive. It impacts how I shop for food because I need a personal shopper to locate items. It impacts how I travel (I feel safer crossing streets with a white cane). It impacts how I budget (I jerrymander my travels to take fewer Ubers for instance). And, it impacts how I interact with clients and employers (marketing myself and my brand, discussing my commute to and from the office, selling myself to clients who are sighted and worry about hiring a blind dude).

To put a pin in it, I don’t feel like I can call someone a friend unless they understand about my eyes. All my best dating relationships, the girl knew how blind I was more than me. Yet, to even plan a hike with a homie, we gotta meetup, at the trailhead. I gotta get my blind ass there

Am I too fixated on my eyes? Am I making valid points? Am I the asshole? If so, how much?
OldManOnFire 31 points 1y ago
Of course your points are valid. That's not in question.

But at the same time, it's possible to be too fixated on your limitations even if they're valid. If you stop as soon as you realize you can't get there you might be giving up too early. There's almost always a way to do anything you set your mind to.

One of the guiding principles in my life is to replace everything blindness has taken away with something else. Can't jog down the street? Then jog on a treadmill. Can't snow ski? Then water ski. Can't fill my bedroom with eclectic art? Then fill it with eclectic music. Can't ride a bike with my wife? Buy a bicycle built for two. Can't dance without running into people on a crowded dance floor? Dance holding hands. Can't draw or paint? Take up wire sculpture.

That's how I choose to respond. I could just say "I can't - I'm blind," but that road leads to boredom and depression. I chose adventure over excuses whenever I possibly can.

Life is harder without vision, no doubt. We face challenges other people don't. But the bigger the challenge, the better we feel when we conquer it. Don't give up, bro. Don't settle for less than the life you want to live.
bannable0ffense 6 points 1y ago
Saving this comment for when I'm having a pity party. Thanks bud.
r_1235 5 points 1y ago
Well said!
Responsible_Point538 [OP] -18 points 1y ago
Bro, are you really blind. Lol @ “I can’t fill my room with art.” My blind homeies LOVED ceramics. Literally, only time one of my homeies was ever good at school haha

Next, blindness took NOTHING from me. I was BORN almost totally blind. So, that means my birth either took my career on the Denver Broncos away from me, or, it gave me life. Duh

Anyway, some sighted moon wants to go on a hike with me and pretend I’m sighted. Great. I gotta Uber to the trailhead, being my white cane and dance ones rocks for that sighted thing? What makes him worth the money in your estimation? To your point, I could get a treadmill in my house and avoid crappy people

Here’s another one, I’m about to go to the bar. Guarantee, I get there and some sighted person’s gonna talk to me about the sport playing silently on the television. What’s the most polite way to tell that guy to stuff it? I’m too blind to see the television and I don’t care about the score
OldManOnFire 29 points 1y ago
Um, on any other subreddit I'd let it slide, but here in r/Blind we NEVER ask "Are you really blind? LOL"

The blind community gets asked that question all the time. People see us doing really well outside then deploying a white cane as soon as we step inside and think we're faking it. They don't understand how we can do so well in certain lighting but fail to see stuff in indoor settings, or why we can read stuff on our phones but not read a book. They don't realize how many different kinds of blindness there are. Some of them don't even realize blindness can mean anything other than NLP.

What you said was snarky and rude, and I know you know better. So be better. Don't start stuff on your first day here. Keep it respectful.
PrincessDie123 15 points 1y ago
I mean you could just say “I don’t know I can’t see the screen” or you could say “oh sorry bro I’m not into sports” or you could “sorry I don’t feel like talking tonight” or you could get creative and dazzle dazzle them with your awesome story telling skills and just make something up that’s more entertaining. And for the hiking if you don’t like hiking just tell your date that and see if you can opt for something that you both like, “what makes them worth it” if you don’t think they are worth going out with them don’t go out with them because that’s a two way street. What could a blind person get out of hiking? The only thing missing is eyesight, you’ve still got all the sounds and smells, the tactile sensations (finding old pictograms in trees is really cool), being away from the city for a while, if you go camping you can also roast stuff which tastes really good. If that’s not your thing though just tell your date you would rather do something else.

Also “are you really blind?” Yep that’s a thing I hear almost daily while people accuse me of faking my disability so it sucks extra hard to hear another blind person use it.
Prefect316 1 points 1y ago
By now the downvotes and feedback have indicated this isn't the best comment. But I have been there, really at odds with my blindness and feeling it easier to lash out or use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I'm not blaming you at all OP. Message me if you need to vent more. I'm happy to offer encouragement or just shut the hell up and listen.
spacechamango 11 points 1y ago
Of course your feelings and points are valid. I think we can all agree we all get frustrated and upset of being blind/visually impaired especially when we are trying to do easy every day tasks.

I hang out with a group of friends and we have been friends for a while and to this day they don’t know how much I can’t or can see. With that said they know I can’t see to drive. So when I’m asked to hang out they know that means they are picking me up. Because this was their invite! When I invite them I offer them gas money to pick me up. (Still cheaper then Uber).

They will never know how I can see and no one ever will and that’s okay. As long as you communicate with them. They took me out bowling last weekend. I could of easily said ‘no, I can’t see the pins! What’s the point!’ But instead they wanted me to try it out because I’m physically able to and them placing me where to stand and shouting and cheering me on just bonded us even more. And guess what? This blind gal did not come in last! How awesome to shove that in a sighted persons face lol.

I’ve hiked with friends as well but of course they know I’m going to need their assistance the whole dang time. And if they are okay with that then yes they are worthy of my money and time. I get to hike a place I would never imagined possible with out their patience, guidance and time. Most importantly their eyes.

I honestly don’t agree on not being friends with someone because they don’t understand your vision. If that was the case for me. I wouldn’t have any friends. Wouldn’t have traveled or done things I thought I was not capable of doing. So I shouldn’t be friends with my gals who have had babies? Because I’m not having children? Because I don’t understand motherhood? I won’t ever understand it but that mean we can’t be friends.
Responsible_Point538 [OP] 3 points 1y ago
Like your comment a lot

And, I’m not opposed to hanging out with folks who don’t understand my stuff. Yet, I don’t think we could ever be super close either.

In grad school, I also had folks avoid me due to not wanting service dog hair on their stuff and due to not wanting to have to be my transportation. Accordingly, it’s a weirdly self selecting process?

Also, as a girl who’s blind, how do you deal with makeup? Women dress for other women and most guys won’t notice makeup. Yet, I’m curious how that impacts your social stuff?
spacechamango 9 points 1y ago
I feel if you go into a friendship telling yourself y’all won’t connect or be close because of your vision… you probably won’t. All my friends are sighted, I don’t have any friends who are blind /visually impaired. But I am really close with a couple because my vision is not a personality trait or makes me.. me. I am a gal to just happens to have a vision problem.

That’s what I hear lol . That women dress for other gals lol. I dress for comfort. I’m a very active woman. I do quite a bit of sports so I’m usually in active wear. I have vision to do eyeliner and simple blush but if I need full on make over, going on a date I call my gal friends to help out.
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grinchnight14 1 points 9m ago
Yeah, if I was only friends with people who understood my vision I'd have no friends lmao. Most of my friends are sited
gunfart 8 points 1y ago
I am going to just straight up answer your question from the post title, and say yes. After reading all your replies to other posts and this thread, you do come off as an asshole. I have not met any straight up angry blind people that are mad at their situation, but you kind of come off as that person.

Hey, you asked.
Tarnagona 5 points 1y ago
From what you’ve said here: you might be a bit of an asshole?

Your points are valid. Of course blindness effects all aspects of our lives. I have some usable vision, and it still impacts all of the major decisions I make, and many of the minor ones. And sometimes, the sighted world is really frustrating (more so, I imagine for someone who’s totally blind).

Here’s the thing. While sighted people need to learn and adapt to what we can do if we want to have strong, meaningful relationships, we have to adapt and learn, too.

To use an example from my own life: I found myself getting frustrated with my fiancé expecting me to be able to see things until he explained. Because my eyes are so light sensitive, the amount I can see varies a lot by lighting, and as someone not looking through my eyes, he couldn’t tell when I was having trouble because sometimes, I could see the thing just fine. He was trying to help but didn’t have the information to do so. So it’s up to me to let him know when I need more help, and when I need less. Just getting angry and blaming him for not understanding doesn’t get me anywhere.

It’s one thing if someone repeatedly refuses to hear and understand what you’re telling them about your (lack of) vision. But I generally give the sighted the benefit of the doubt because most people have encountered, what, one or two blind people ever? And sight loss varies so much that my vision and their blind friend’s vision, even though we’re both blind, could be wildly different. I tell sighted people to ask what I see and what I need, and not to make assumptions. That means I also need to be willing to explain what I can and can’t see, and what kinds of things I need. I can’t expect them to just know that.

For your hiking example. If you’re just not interested in hiking, tell your friend that, and find something else to do that you’ll both enjoy. If you want to go hiking but find it inaccessible, communicate your issues with your friend and see if you can come up solutions together. Like, to get to the trailhead, maybe you can get partway there on a bus, and your friend can drive you the rest of the way. Or you can offer them some gas money to pick you up and drive the whole way together. For the trail itself, maybe discuss what kind of guidance your friend can give as you walk, like warnings about tree roots, or low-hanging branches. See if your friend will take the hike at a slower pace, so you can navigate more easily. I like to bring a sturdy walking stick on hikes instead of my cane, as I can feel in front of me still, but it’s less likely to get snagged. Maybe something similar would help you? And if your friend is not willing to work with you at all, you don’t have to get mad at them, but can always still decline to go hiking with them. Saying ‘no, thank you’ is always an option.
Kyrie-belier 3 points 1y ago
Sending love,peace and fortitude,you are not alone and this is but one life in many lifetimes.You are strong,stronger than you give yourself credit for,you are all of 32 years old and so much more you will achieve and give. I wish you nothing but the best that life has to offer.❤️❤️❤️
TechnicalPragmatist 1 points 1y ago
Hmmm. In a sense it seems like your identity is too wrapped up in your blindness here, and it seems to define and limit you.
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impablomations 1 points 1y ago
This is a friendly sub and we like to keep it that way. You've been asked to mind your language already, we will not ask again.
Responsible_Point538 [OP] 1 points 1y ago
I guess here’s the thing:

If I get home to an empty house where everyone wants to either ignore I’m blind or pretend I’m sighted, than, it’s apparent to me that I’ve 100% wasted my life

I don’t ever want to get home and feel that way. And, so, I need to work to create a home wherein when I walk into it after doing some sort of career that hateful sighted people value, I’ surrounded with people I can cal friends who understand and honor how difficult it is for me to use my visual sense

I don’t currently have that and so I’ e failed on a massive scale. I’m hoping things get better soon
codeplaysleep 3 points 1y ago
People not treating you special because you're blind is not a 100% waste of your life.

In this thread, you have referred to people as "things" that aren't worthy of your attention/time. You have called people names, you want to tell strangers who wish to engage in casual conversation to "go stuff it." You've disrespected another poster by questioning whether or not they're acutally blind. You have and responded to almost everyone who's replied in a defensive, aggressive manner.

Your problem isn't your vision loss it's your attitude.

You get out of relationships what you put into them. If you want loving, supportive friends who understand you, then you have to make the effort to be that for them, not write them off as objects not worthy of your time because they don't understand your very specific type of blindness and behave in some vaguely defined, poorly communicated, special way toward you because of it.

Being blind has nothing to do with it.
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Responsible_Point538 [OP] 1 points 1y ago
Really cutouts what your job is. Personally, I don’t care for my job in certain contexts

I do divorce and kiddo work with my law license, and it pays and I like I’d. Yet, I absolutely doing criminal law work. And, I think it really matters if you like your job or not

Curious what you do?
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