Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Another stream of conscious meditation on the unexpected aspects of blindness (self.Blind)
submitted by OldManOnFire
Hashtag it's complicated. That place we find ourselves in, wanting to see but not wanting to be treated like we're broken because we can't. I need help but I don't need to be fixed. Help me, but don't try to help me. Hashtag really complicated.
Nobody teases me anymore. I guess it's inappropriate. When I turn around and accidentally knock a glass of water to the floor everybody rushes to help clean up the mess. People even apologize to me for leaving the glass on the edge of the table. But the obvious joke is left hanging. Everybody's thinking it but nobody want's to say it. They don't want to say it because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I don't want to say it because I don't want them to awkwardly deny thinking it. So it goes unsaid. Blindness has taken away our ability to laugh at ourselves in social situations. Nobody teases me anymore, but I sometimes wish someone would.
I realized today how much my mother's attempts to cure me of my blindness must feel like conversion therapy for gay people. The people who love us try to change us, partially to make our lives easier but partially for their own selfish ends, too. Mom can't accept having a blind son. It makes her feel like a failure, which indirectly means she considers me a failure. Just accept me how I am, Mom. My life is good. I'm happy. Just love me. Respect me. Accept me. Stop it with the vitamin recommendations and the questionable testimonials from people on FaceBook. Just be my mom again. I'm still me.
Back when MySpace was a thing I had a blog. It was popular enough to consistently land in the top handful of rankings of all the MySpace blogs. I know I'm a pretty good writer, especially by the standards of social media, but I wrote for an audience of one - me. I wrote and I wrote, just letting the words pour out onto the screen, a stream of conscious form of self therapy. I don't know why it became as popular as it did considering I wrote without consideration for any of my readers. I'm back at it today. This is a stream of conscious exorcism of my innermost feelings. When I'm done writing I'll go back and read it over and over, looking for clues my subconscious is trying to share with me. Or maybe hide from me - I don't know. I'm a math nerd, not a psych major. All I know is it's incredibly sad watching Mom's heart break on my behalf, and it's starting to dawn on me that I'm not only hurting because she is, I'm also hurting because it feels like she doesn't accept me. Like she can't accept me until my eyesight is better.
I'm probably reading too much into this. I don't know. I won't know until I reread this and really listen to my subconscious. That's just how I work. I think I'm different that way, less in touch with my feelings than others, too left hemisphere dominant in a world that requires balance. All Yin and no Yang. Maybe that means I'm broken, but again, I don't want to be fixed - I want to be accepted.
I love you, Mom. I know how hard this has been on you. It's harder for you than it is for me, and I want to apologize for that. But I won't. I won't apologize for who I am. I'll apologize for things I do and the choices I make but not for who I am. I can't apologize for those things outside of my control. That would be dishonest for both of us, dishonest for me to apologize and dishonest for you to accept my apology. I won't do it, Mom. But I still love you.
Going blind changed everything, but going blind didn't change anything, too. Both statements are true. My inner math nerd is screaming at the cognitive dissonance, the mutual contradiction the two statements contain. If you say today is Saturday but I say no, it's Tuesday, one of us must be wrong. It cannot be both Saturday and Tuesday today. Maybe you're right, or maybe I'm right, or maybe we're both wrong, but both of us cannot be right. It can't be Saturday and Tuesday. But I can say blindness changes everything and nothing and somehow those statements feel exempt from the laws of logical fallacy. They're both true at the same time even though they can't be.
Has anybody else noticed how much worse the blind community treats sighted people than the other way around? They ask us questions in their ignorance but we reply with malice. Malice is much worse than ignorance. Yeah, I know we're all tired of the same old questions but this is embarrassing. Admitting I'm blind sometimes feels like admitting I'm vegan - part of a community that's rude and defensive and accusative and self righteous in our victimhood. I want to change that but I don't want to alienate r/Blind by calling them out on it and losing the only blind friends I have. Hashtag it's complicated.
I love you, Mom. But things aren't ever going back to the way they were before I went blind. You're pushing eighty - you're running out of time to accept it. I hope you do. It would be awful knowing you felt like a failure as a mother when you pass away.
Nobody teases me anymore. I guess it's inappropriate. When I turn around and accidentally knock a glass of water to the floor everybody rushes to help clean up the mess. People even apologize to me for leaving the glass on the edge of the table. But the obvious joke is left hanging. Everybody's thinking it but nobody want's to say it. They don't want to say it because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I don't want to say it because I don't want them to awkwardly deny thinking it. So it goes unsaid. Blindness has taken away our ability to laugh at ourselves in social situations. Nobody teases me anymore, but I sometimes wish someone would.
I realized today how much my mother's attempts to cure me of my blindness must feel like conversion therapy for gay people. The people who love us try to change us, partially to make our lives easier but partially for their own selfish ends, too. Mom can't accept having a blind son. It makes her feel like a failure, which indirectly means she considers me a failure. Just accept me how I am, Mom. My life is good. I'm happy. Just love me. Respect me. Accept me. Stop it with the vitamin recommendations and the questionable testimonials from people on FaceBook. Just be my mom again. I'm still me.
Back when MySpace was a thing I had a blog. It was popular enough to consistently land in the top handful of rankings of all the MySpace blogs. I know I'm a pretty good writer, especially by the standards of social media, but I wrote for an audience of one - me. I wrote and I wrote, just letting the words pour out onto the screen, a stream of conscious form of self therapy. I don't know why it became as popular as it did considering I wrote without consideration for any of my readers. I'm back at it today. This is a stream of conscious exorcism of my innermost feelings. When I'm done writing I'll go back and read it over and over, looking for clues my subconscious is trying to share with me. Or maybe hide from me - I don't know. I'm a math nerd, not a psych major. All I know is it's incredibly sad watching Mom's heart break on my behalf, and it's starting to dawn on me that I'm not only hurting because she is, I'm also hurting because it feels like she doesn't accept me. Like she can't accept me until my eyesight is better.
I'm probably reading too much into this. I don't know. I won't know until I reread this and really listen to my subconscious. That's just how I work. I think I'm different that way, less in touch with my feelings than others, too left hemisphere dominant in a world that requires balance. All Yin and no Yang. Maybe that means I'm broken, but again, I don't want to be fixed - I want to be accepted.
I love you, Mom. I know how hard this has been on you. It's harder for you than it is for me, and I want to apologize for that. But I won't. I won't apologize for who I am. I'll apologize for things I do and the choices I make but not for who I am. I can't apologize for those things outside of my control. That would be dishonest for both of us, dishonest for me to apologize and dishonest for you to accept my apology. I won't do it, Mom. But I still love you.
Going blind changed everything, but going blind didn't change anything, too. Both statements are true. My inner math nerd is screaming at the cognitive dissonance, the mutual contradiction the two statements contain. If you say today is Saturday but I say no, it's Tuesday, one of us must be wrong. It cannot be both Saturday and Tuesday today. Maybe you're right, or maybe I'm right, or maybe we're both wrong, but both of us cannot be right. It can't be Saturday and Tuesday. But I can say blindness changes everything and nothing and somehow those statements feel exempt from the laws of logical fallacy. They're both true at the same time even though they can't be.
Has anybody else noticed how much worse the blind community treats sighted people than the other way around? They ask us questions in their ignorance but we reply with malice. Malice is much worse than ignorance. Yeah, I know we're all tired of the same old questions but this is embarrassing. Admitting I'm blind sometimes feels like admitting I'm vegan - part of a community that's rude and defensive and accusative and self righteous in our victimhood. I want to change that but I don't want to alienate r/Blind by calling them out on it and losing the only blind friends I have. Hashtag it's complicated.
I love you, Mom. But things aren't ever going back to the way they were before I went blind. You're pushing eighty - you're running out of time to accept it. I hope you do. It would be awful knowing you felt like a failure as a mother when you pass away.
oldfogey12345 5 points 1y ago
That's something you need to work your own way through.
Please don't take your mothers situation on your shoulders. You have no control over it and she likely doesn't either. You have the rest of your life to deal with this stuff. She has a few years.
You seem like a smart person. You will figure the rest out on your own
Although please add more line breaks. It was well worth reading your post but it can physically hurt people with certain types of blindness.
Please don't take your mothers situation on your shoulders. You have no control over it and she likely doesn't either. You have the rest of your life to deal with this stuff. She has a few years.
You seem like a smart person. You will figure the rest out on your own
Although please add more line breaks. It was well worth reading your post but it can physically hurt people with certain types of blindness.
OldManOnFire [OP] 4 points 1y ago
Noted, and thank you.
oldfogey12345 2 points 1y ago
It's a brutal road to walk in life. Good luck to you friend.
HunterST 5 points 1y ago
Man, that was powerful. Thank you for sharing.
My wife, the love of my life, lost her vision in an accident a year and a half ago. I’ll never stop dying inside for her to get her sight back, which I know will never happen. But I will never stop. It wakes me up at night, it’s an unbearable hurt. So as a parent, I feel for your mom. She may never accept your blindness - her love for you is primal. Have compassion for her, and keep showing her that you’re ok. It’s the only thing that eases the hurt.
My wife, the love of my life, lost her vision in an accident a year and a half ago. I’ll never stop dying inside for her to get her sight back, which I know will never happen. But I will never stop. It wakes me up at night, it’s an unbearable hurt. So as a parent, I feel for your mom. She may never accept your blindness - her love for you is primal. Have compassion for her, and keep showing her that you’re ok. It’s the only thing that eases the hurt.
oldfogey12345 6 points 1y ago
You don't need to stop looking for a cure. Just don't talk to her about it. I know it's hard but it sounds like you love her.
At a certain point in both of your lives you will realize that the blindness is permanent. Her blindness won't make her worthless or useless.
In time she will still be able to cook or clean or hold down a job. Now give her a few years. Sudden blindness takes a few years to get your head around.
It just invalidates you as a person to hear you need fixed from a loved one. I moved away from my parents to never have to feel that again.
You sound like a good husband. Make love to her, often as you can. Women need to feel desired.
At a certain point in both of your lives you will realize that the blindness is permanent. Her blindness won't make her worthless or useless.
In time she will still be able to cook or clean or hold down a job. Now give her a few years. Sudden blindness takes a few years to get your head around.
It just invalidates you as a person to hear you need fixed from a loved one. I moved away from my parents to never have to feel that again.
You sound like a good husband. Make love to her, often as you can. Women need to feel desired.
CosmicBunny97 3 points 1y ago
Hey, I think your posts would be a good podcast or blog. As someone has said, it can be difficult to read, even when using a screen reader.
OldManOnFire [OP] 3 points 1y ago
Yeah, u/rumster has been saying the same thing. He wants to create some sort of space for me to blab. But I'm not sure.
I realize I can give voice to a community that isn't well represented. Rumster told me he considers me more of an ambassador than a traditional moderator. I like that.
But writing on a deadline is a whole different ballgame than writing from the heart. I'm not sure I could be as honest and as open if I were speaking for more than just myself.
There's no such thing as writer's block when I'm my own target audience. I just let my mind wander and write it all down as it comes to me. The discipline required to stick to a topic shuts off the part of my mind that wants to wander and explore and asks questions, and that's the only part worth reading.
That's why blogging and unpublished, private short stories work for me. That's why I'm afraid to commit to something more structured. I don't want to let the community or Rumster down.
The moment I start thinking of other people reading what I write I get stage fright. If you look at my Reddit history you'll see tens of thousands of comments I've made to other people's questions but just a handful of original posts. I love to answer questions but I don't feel comfortable starting the threads.
Still, one of my guiding principles is to make important decisions based on love, not fear. I'm clearly afraid of doing this, and no decision made in fear ever turns out as good as the decisions based on love.
So I haven't said no. I've kept the door open. But I haven't said yes because I don't think I can bring my A game if there's an audience.
I will consider your words when I talk to Rumster. Thank you.
I realize I can give voice to a community that isn't well represented. Rumster told me he considers me more of an ambassador than a traditional moderator. I like that.
But writing on a deadline is a whole different ballgame than writing from the heart. I'm not sure I could be as honest and as open if I were speaking for more than just myself.
There's no such thing as writer's block when I'm my own target audience. I just let my mind wander and write it all down as it comes to me. The discipline required to stick to a topic shuts off the part of my mind that wants to wander and explore and asks questions, and that's the only part worth reading.
That's why blogging and unpublished, private short stories work for me. That's why I'm afraid to commit to something more structured. I don't want to let the community or Rumster down.
The moment I start thinking of other people reading what I write I get stage fright. If you look at my Reddit history you'll see tens of thousands of comments I've made to other people's questions but just a handful of original posts. I love to answer questions but I don't feel comfortable starting the threads.
Still, one of my guiding principles is to make important decisions based on love, not fear. I'm clearly afraid of doing this, and no decision made in fear ever turns out as good as the decisions based on love.
So I haven't said no. I've kept the door open. But I haven't said yes because I don't think I can bring my A game if there's an audience.
I will consider your words when I talk to Rumster. Thank you.
ColonelKepler 3 points 1y ago
Hey. More of a lurker than a poster here, but I've read a lot of your submissions. I disagree quite strongly with a number of views you've voiced (that we treat sighted people with malice being one) but disagreement is one of the things that keeps life interesting. You're pretty eloquent (maybe a little rambly in posts like this, but hey, it says stream of consciousness in the title, after all, and *I'm* often far less coherent) and you clearly have a lot of empathy. I like your optimism, and it sounds like you're pretty sharp when it comes to math/stats too (though I'm a moron in those subjects, so my assessment could be way off-base). I'm not going to say something cliché like 'I can't think of a better person', but you'd make a good representative of our community; hopefully not the only one, but a good one all the same! I say go for it, assuming you're up for it, of course.
OldManOnFire [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Thank you.
Everybody disagrees with my stance on Braille, too.
I guess we each represent the community every time we post.
Everybody disagrees with my stance on Braille, too.
I guess we each represent the community every time we post.
ColonelKepler 2 points 1y ago
I'm not sure of your stance on braille, mind summarizing? I'm up for an argument (all in good fun, of course)!
Wolfocorn20 3 points 1y ago
wauw that is so deep' powerfull and beautifull.
i'll admit i had to wipe a few tyrs wile reading that.
not caz i felt sorry but because of the emotions and truth behind it.
i just wanna give you a hug now.
keep showing everyone that you are happy and maybe a light joke here and there to show that it's ok. that's how i showed my friends and family that it's ok to make the ocasional joke or tease a bit and that helps most of the time.
i'll admit i had to wipe a few tyrs wile reading that.
not caz i felt sorry but because of the emotions and truth behind it.
i just wanna give you a hug now.
keep showing everyone that you are happy and maybe a light joke here and there to show that it's ok. that's how i showed my friends and family that it's ok to make the ocasional joke or tease a bit and that helps most of the time.
OldManOnFire [OP] 2 points 1y ago
I accept your hug. Online hugs are the second best kind!
TechnicalPragmatist 1 points 1y ago
Definitely dont agree with you on the blind community. Though I have a lot of criticisms for it myself.
I think a lot of us totally blind people are way less understood then even people with some vision, and we even feel misunderstood by people who are partials.
I think a lot of especially totally blind people are bored and frustrated, honestly and my criticisms stem from this. And a lot less socially geared and trained because totals are much more coddled and sheltered most of them. And can lack social skills in a sense. I’ve seen a lot of toxicity from that side of things.
about the jokes I just make a lot of them myself I start the humor honestly.
I think a lot of us totally blind people are way less understood then even people with some vision, and we even feel misunderstood by people who are partials.
I think a lot of especially totally blind people are bored and frustrated, honestly and my criticisms stem from this. And a lot less socially geared and trained because totals are much more coddled and sheltered most of them. And can lack social skills in a sense. I’ve seen a lot of toxicity from that side of things.
about the jokes I just make a lot of them myself I start the humor honestly.
nullatonce 1 points 1y ago
Excuse me, but as a professional meathead, I can't see the water joke. :( Please elaborate!
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