Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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How do I ask for more help from my friends? (self.Blind)
submitted by rnaw94
TLDR: I'm visually impaired and finding it harder to manage with day to day social activities, how do I explain this to my friends so that they can give me more help when I need it?
Context: I'm 27, visually impaired with retina pigmentosa. I've got about 30 degrees of vision, but my central vision is OK.
I've always been good at managing my condition but in the past few months I've been finding it harder. I've recently got an indicator cane, and I've been using it but haven't yet broached it with any of my friends.
Tonight I went to a football match with one of my best mates and his friends. I've known him about 10 years, and he knows about my eyesight and has been very accommodating in the past.
I always find it hard leaving the stadium after the match and before we left I told my mate my sight has been getting worse and that I would need more of a hand getting to the tube station.
When we left, he and his friend went haring off, pushing through the queue to get to the tube as quickly as possible, and I collided with several people on the way trying to keep up. My mate didn't even notice as I was struggling to keep up.
After I split with my mate to go on my way home, I tripped over a homeless man and fell to the floor, cutting my hand in the process. I think we both felt guilty but he was very nice about it. I still felt like shit about it though.
I managed to get home just now, several hours after I left the match, with my right hand covered in blood from where I cut it.
Its been a bad day, and we all have them, but I need my friend (and other friends/family) to understand how I'm finding things harder, I'm just not sure how t ask them for more help.
If anyone has any advice or tips from their own experiences, I'd really appreciate it.
Its been a long night, so I'm going to bed, but I will reply to any comments in the morning. Thanks!
Context: I'm 27, visually impaired with retina pigmentosa. I've got about 30 degrees of vision, but my central vision is OK.
I've always been good at managing my condition but in the past few months I've been finding it harder. I've recently got an indicator cane, and I've been using it but haven't yet broached it with any of my friends.
Tonight I went to a football match with one of my best mates and his friends. I've known him about 10 years, and he knows about my eyesight and has been very accommodating in the past.
I always find it hard leaving the stadium after the match and before we left I told my mate my sight has been getting worse and that I would need more of a hand getting to the tube station.
When we left, he and his friend went haring off, pushing through the queue to get to the tube as quickly as possible, and I collided with several people on the way trying to keep up. My mate didn't even notice as I was struggling to keep up.
After I split with my mate to go on my way home, I tripped over a homeless man and fell to the floor, cutting my hand in the process. I think we both felt guilty but he was very nice about it. I still felt like shit about it though.
I managed to get home just now, several hours after I left the match, with my right hand covered in blood from where I cut it.
Its been a bad day, and we all have them, but I need my friend (and other friends/family) to understand how I'm finding things harder, I'm just not sure how t ask them for more help.
If anyone has any advice or tips from their own experiences, I'd really appreciate it.
Its been a long night, so I'm going to bed, but I will reply to any comments in the morning. Thanks!
ThisBlindChickReads 13 points 1y ago
Hey ... I am in the midst of a similar situation. I have cone rod dystrophy, which also results in vision loss except my center vision goes faster than peripheral. I had a rough night out with one of my friends who has been there from the early stages and it is easy for them to forget at the worst times that my vision is only failing more and more. They don't experience what we do in an hourly basis. It sucks for us and for them.
What I have done, is call them after I have cooled down and started the conversation with something like, "I always have fun hanging out with you and I appreciate the friendship we have where we can be completely honest with each other. ... I have to let you know that my vision is going faster than I am ready for and am not aware of what I don't see until I don't see it." Chat for a bit about that and then I say something like, " yeah, I had so much fun the other night but I think I need to let you know what happened when we were leaving ... I know this was not intentional, and it isn't something we have had to deal with in the past, but I realize that some situations can be really unsafe for me to navigate." ... This would be where I lay out the details, "when we were rushing out, I bumped into a lot of people, I even tripped and fell over a person and my hand got pretty cut up. ...".
I have never had a friend not listen and they never have a bad reaction to this. Honest communication is really important and they are so much more aware the next time we go out.
I hope things go well for you... Shitty days are complete shit.
What I have done, is call them after I have cooled down and started the conversation with something like, "I always have fun hanging out with you and I appreciate the friendship we have where we can be completely honest with each other. ... I have to let you know that my vision is going faster than I am ready for and am not aware of what I don't see until I don't see it." Chat for a bit about that and then I say something like, " yeah, I had so much fun the other night but I think I need to let you know what happened when we were leaving ... I know this was not intentional, and it isn't something we have had to deal with in the past, but I realize that some situations can be really unsafe for me to navigate." ... This would be where I lay out the details, "when we were rushing out, I bumped into a lot of people, I even tripped and fell over a person and my hand got pretty cut up. ...".
I have never had a friend not listen and they never have a bad reaction to this. Honest communication is really important and they are so much more aware the next time we go out.
I hope things go well for you... Shitty days are complete shit.
RealRegularRaisin 11 points 1y ago
I think this is really good advice. Just as you are constantly adapting to your changing vision, so your friends will constantly adapt to how they interact with you. As you grow your “blind person” skills in response to your disease progression, so will your friends grow their “friend of blind person” skills.
A lot of sighted people don’t realize what type of help blind people appreciate. But they can learn! If they are really your friends, they will be receptive. But they may not know how to adapt until you tell them.
You could make specific requests if you want - things like, “if we’re in a crowded space, would you mind if I hold on to your elbow so I don’t lose you?” or, “if it’s dark outside, it would be really helpful if you see me home.”
I’m really sorry you had a bad day today. I hope you get a good night’s sleep and can have some productive conversations with your friends soon. Going blind can be really isolating and having friends is super important, so I’m really glad you’re asking these questions so that you can keep going out and having fun. :)
A lot of sighted people don’t realize what type of help blind people appreciate. But they can learn! If they are really your friends, they will be receptive. But they may not know how to adapt until you tell them.
You could make specific requests if you want - things like, “if we’re in a crowded space, would you mind if I hold on to your elbow so I don’t lose you?” or, “if it’s dark outside, it would be really helpful if you see me home.”
I’m really sorry you had a bad day today. I hope you get a good night’s sleep and can have some productive conversations with your friends soon. Going blind can be really isolating and having friends is super important, so I’m really glad you’re asking these questions so that you can keep going out and having fun. :)
rnaw94 [OP] 6 points 1y ago
Thanks - yeah I think I was probably a bit too vague; I said I needed more of a hand but in hindsight I don't think he really understood.
rnaw94 [OP] 4 points 1y ago
Thanks - I'm sorry you've had bad experiences too, it sucks! But yeah that's a really good idea, I think I'll call him this afternoon and talk it through, and good idea to emphasize the good stuff too - I'm always a bit shy when it comes to talking about this stuff because I don't want to upset anyone.
ThisBlindChickReads 1 points 1y ago
I hear you ... I definitely relate. The thought of confrontation can definitely stall me. I am learning that the hardest conversations, though, are the ones I don't have. Best wishes to you!
BenandGracie 10 points 1y ago
I agree with what others have said, but have you considered geting some mobility training? If you are tripping over people, you need to be using the cane.
rnaw94 [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Yeah that's a good question, like I said in my post I've been pretty good at managing it till quite recently. I've got a regular check up at my local eye hospital in a couple of weeks, so I'll ask the doctors about it then and see what they say.
Individual-Fan1639 4 points 1y ago
This is a question you need to answer yourself. If you’re to the point of tripping over things in public, then you need more than an indicator cane imo.
Get the skills now instead of getting stuck in the future. The more you learn the easier things will be to adjust.
You are going to have to learn to advocate for yourself and make it clearly known what help you need.
Get the skills now instead of getting stuck in the future. The more you learn the easier things will be to adjust.
You are going to have to learn to advocate for yourself and make it clearly known what help you need.
TechnicalPragmatist 1 points 1y ago
I also don’t know if they will know the answer or have any for you. You can if you are legally blind get some cane training and get a cane.
BlindManOnFire 8 points 1y ago
Here's something I wrote a couple weeks ago -
$1
It's not easy advocating for yourself when your eyesight slowly gets worse. I know - I have RP just like you.
Your friends probably don't understand the nuance of RP. You can be blind enough to need their help but still have good central vision. They think of blindness as ON or OFF. The reality, sometimes ON and sometimes OFF but mostly somewhere in between, is too new for them to understand.
I've found just talking to people about what I can and can't see is enough. I see the world through a straw. If I'm looking right at something I can see it, but I can't walk through crowds anymore. There's too much of the crowd outside my field of vision.
Just let them know. They're your friends - they deserve to know and they'll have your back.
$1
It's not easy advocating for yourself when your eyesight slowly gets worse. I know - I have RP just like you.
Your friends probably don't understand the nuance of RP. You can be blind enough to need their help but still have good central vision. They think of blindness as ON or OFF. The reality, sometimes ON and sometimes OFF but mostly somewhere in between, is too new for them to understand.
I've found just talking to people about what I can and can't see is enough. I see the world through a straw. If I'm looking right at something I can see it, but I can't walk through crowds anymore. There's too much of the crowd outside my field of vision.
Just let them know. They're your friends - they deserve to know and they'll have your back.
rnaw94 [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Your blog post was a good read, thanks for writing it. You've made some really good points here which will be useful when I call my mate later to talk to him about it.
xmachinaxxx 8 points 1y ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. My advice is to just be blunt and ask them for what you need. Grab their attention if need be. Don’t be afraid or shy about it. They probably truly don’t realize how much worse it is for you now.
rnaw94 [OP] 3 points 1y ago
Thanks - you're right, I'm probably too timid about asking for help! I'll keep this in mind for next time.
WEugeneSmith 5 points 1y ago
That was a horrible experience. I am blind (NLP) in one eye and 20/400 in the other. Something like leaving the stadium would terrify me.
I've read most of the other comments, and you've gotten some great advice. Most likely, your friend was caughtup in the moment, and really doesn't get what your world is like. If he is a good friend (which he seems to be most of the time), he will be receptive to your talking to him.
I find that I often have to explain things more than once to people. Sighted people cannot unsee any more than we can see. They cannot relate, even when they truly want to.
Keep expressing your needs. Your real friends will stick by you.
I've read most of the other comments, and you've gotten some great advice. Most likely, your friend was caughtup in the moment, and really doesn't get what your world is like. If he is a good friend (which he seems to be most of the time), he will be receptive to your talking to him.
I find that I often have to explain things more than once to people. Sighted people cannot unsee any more than we can see. They cannot relate, even when they truly want to.
Keep expressing your needs. Your real friends will stick by you.
B_Bussen 5 points 1y ago
I've been totally blind all of my life, so my friends know I need to take an arm. Just tell them you need to do that. The problem is, sighted people don't and never will understand. To them, either you're totally blind, in which case most people think you are stupid and totally inept, or you have 20 20 vision. They have no clue about the in between. Hang in there and good luck.
rnaw94 [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Thanks - you're right of course, my uncle also has RP and is totally blind and he's not shy about it at all, but I've always been a bit timid so I guess I'll just need to speak up more.
redmarus 5 points 1y ago
not gonna lie, your mate sounds like a real shithead...what kind of friend hears "I need a hand" and interprets that as "I'm fine, feel free to run off without me." If it takes more than one try for someone to display that bare minimum of effort then I think they probably believe that you're being dramatic and your visual impairment doesn't impair you. If you think it might help them to conceptualize how your vision is, you could try to describe specifics (like, what it truly entails to have a 30° FOV) but if they can't bother to find the basic empathy to be helpful without condescension then you should refine them.
rnaw94 [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Thanks - that's validating to hear, I was pretty annoyed at him last night. I think on reflection this morning, what others have said is probably right, I should have been more vocal and been more specific about what I needed. I'm gonna call him later to try and explain to him where my vision is at now and talk about last night, fingers crossed!
Ninja_Dolphin 4 points 1y ago
I’m not blind or visually impaired, but I do hang out with some blind folks (it’s why I’m on this sub).
I do have diabetes and asthma and these do interfere with my daily activities. I tell my friends that I can’t go places where people are smoking or wearing perfume. I have to have access to food and drink more often to regulate my blood sugar. I have carry medications with me.
My friends understand and accommodate me. I just have to tell them when I need help. They get used to it and start to notice things on their own. Like, they see someone smoking outside a door and will stop before opening the door and look to me for guidance. Good friends do these things. Talk to yours. They’ll listen.
I do have diabetes and asthma and these do interfere with my daily activities. I tell my friends that I can’t go places where people are smoking or wearing perfume. I have to have access to food and drink more often to regulate my blood sugar. I have carry medications with me.
My friends understand and accommodate me. I just have to tell them when I need help. They get used to it and start to notice things on their own. Like, they see someone smoking outside a door and will stop before opening the door and look to me for guidance. Good friends do these things. Talk to yours. They’ll listen.
rnaw94 [OP] 3 points 1y ago
Thanks - you're a good friend for being so considerate. You're right of course, I need explain more specifically to my friends about what help I need. I'm gonna call my friend this afternoon to talk about it.
carolineecouture 4 points 1y ago
That sounds difficult. I'm sorry that happened to you. I would try and talk to them at a time when you can really talk to them and explain what you need and what you'd like them to do. Maybe when you are out in a smaller group? Or chatting via text?
Like the other poster said let them know what you need specifically. They might forget so be patient with them and with yourself. Often we manage so well our friends forget that we do have issues and they might not know when things have gotten more difficult.
Good luck to you.
Like the other poster said let them know what you need specifically. They might forget so be patient with them and with yourself. Often we manage so well our friends forget that we do have issues and they might not know when things have gotten more difficult.
Good luck to you.
rnaw94 [OP] 3 points 1y ago
Thanks - yeah I think you're right, I was too vague and should have been more specific about what I needed. I'm going to give him a ring this afternoon to talk to him about it and what help I need in the future.
carolineecouture 2 points 1y ago
Good luck.
PrincessDie123 3 points 1y ago
It’s hard but you’ll have to be pretty vocal about it until it becomes routine, right before you know a crowd is coming ask your friend if you can use sighted guide so you don’t get lost that way you can hang onto them.
TechnicalPragmatist 1 points 1y ago
That sounds like a jerk of a friend.really.
I think you need to be blunt about exactly what is going on with you. I am suffering this no shame, no secret here. This is what is going on. So I will need more help ….. etc….. this is how…. Etc…… and if they are your friends they deserve to know and should know so they can work with you. If you don’t communicate people can’t read minds.
Also be more vocal about what you need like this is what I think I will need from you guys this type of support.
I think you need to be blunt about exactly what is going on with you. I am suffering this no shame, no secret here. This is what is going on. So I will need more help ….. etc….. this is how…. Etc…… and if they are your friends they deserve to know and should know so they can work with you. If you don’t communicate people can’t read minds.
Also be more vocal about what you need like this is what I think I will need from you guys this type of support.
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