Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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how would you deal with this? (self.Blind)
submitted by pisces0387
So....
I just have to post this somewhere, where, I hope, people will understand
On Friday evening, I got a message, from my mum, informing *not asking* me, that herself and my sister ( 3 years younger than me ) would be coming to clean my apartment on Saturday, this was with not even 24 hrs notice.
I asked them could they not wait as there was stuff everywhere, my mum said no. So I spent all night trying to make the apartment as clean as I could, knowing full well it didn't matter what I did....
Well before they even came, my mum was complaining as they always do, about the cat, could I not put her in her carrier, so they could clean my bedroom and she'd be out of the way? Then when they got here, after me insisting they couldn't go in the bedroom, which they were not happy about at all, it was all, there's cat hair everywhere, could you not put her outside on the balcony to use the litterbox?
My couch, she did rip when I got her first, obviously I know that's not great, but she hasn't done anything like it since, and if I don't care, they shouldn't either
Eventually then, it was, I'm ungrateful, why can't I just say thnks? My attitude is disgusting.... and on and on.... I should have mentioned before now, I'm in my mid-30s, and this is not my first time living on my own
They left soon after that, and I did say that all they did was criticise, the whole thing was just awful.....
I know now, they are waiting for me to say sorry for not falling at their feet, and that I'm grateful for the massive invasion of privacy, but I just don't feel I should apologise?
Also, my mum at one stage, went in my utility room, where my washing machine is, and without asking, put washing in, which I didn't want her to do, and also, put a load of stuff in a bag to be washed, which again, I didn't want her to do, and then of course, I'm having to pay for a launderette wash, that I didn't even want done?
curious to get other people's thoughts on this....
tldr, my mum and sister came to my apartment even though I didn't want them to, and did a lot of things I didn't want them to do, and constantly belittled me+complained about my cat, now want me to apologise....
Thanks to anyone who's made it this far
I just have to post this somewhere, where, I hope, people will understand
On Friday evening, I got a message, from my mum, informing *not asking* me, that herself and my sister ( 3 years younger than me ) would be coming to clean my apartment on Saturday, this was with not even 24 hrs notice.
I asked them could they not wait as there was stuff everywhere, my mum said no. So I spent all night trying to make the apartment as clean as I could, knowing full well it didn't matter what I did....
Well before they even came, my mum was complaining as they always do, about the cat, could I not put her in her carrier, so they could clean my bedroom and she'd be out of the way? Then when they got here, after me insisting they couldn't go in the bedroom, which they were not happy about at all, it was all, there's cat hair everywhere, could you not put her outside on the balcony to use the litterbox?
My couch, she did rip when I got her first, obviously I know that's not great, but she hasn't done anything like it since, and if I don't care, they shouldn't either
Eventually then, it was, I'm ungrateful, why can't I just say thnks? My attitude is disgusting.... and on and on.... I should have mentioned before now, I'm in my mid-30s, and this is not my first time living on my own
They left soon after that, and I did say that all they did was criticise, the whole thing was just awful.....
I know now, they are waiting for me to say sorry for not falling at their feet, and that I'm grateful for the massive invasion of privacy, but I just don't feel I should apologise?
Also, my mum at one stage, went in my utility room, where my washing machine is, and without asking, put washing in, which I didn't want her to do, and also, put a load of stuff in a bag to be washed, which again, I didn't want her to do, and then of course, I'm having to pay for a launderette wash, that I didn't even want done?
curious to get other people's thoughts on this....
tldr, my mum and sister came to my apartment even though I didn't want them to, and did a lot of things I didn't want them to do, and constantly belittled me+complained about my cat, now want me to apologise....
Thanks to anyone who's made it this far
Rhymershouse 16 points 1y ago
Tell them to come on but they’ll be out of luck because you’re locking the door and not letting them in if they can’t treat you like a grown-up.
Southern_Plantain_92 1 points 1y ago
I don't think you should apologize either. I am so sorry you have to be defiled like this. I am blind, too. No one should ever manipulate you. Sending good thoughts.
BeforeSides 8 points 1y ago
Clearly wxpress to them that their actions are not helpful and are not appreciated because they are an invasion of your privacy and personal autonomy. Even if they mean well and think they are helping, it undermines your independence and right to privacy, and that they are not welcome to just come into your apartment on a whim. Have your apartment complex change the locks, and be prepared for them to charge you a small amount for this. You alone get a key. You’re going to piss some people off. Be sure you have come to terms with possible fallout. If you’re truly independent and on your own here (by that I mean your name alone on the lease, you covering the entirety of bills, etc), then they can’t really do much in terms of a reprisal of what they will certainly see as ungrateful and disrespectful actions on your part. This is pretty extreme on their part and as a man in his 30’s, you need to be laying down the law here for your own home.
pisces0387 [OP] 3 points 1y ago
they don't have a key, or at least, not that I know of....
BeforeSides 5 points 1y ago
So when they show up to your apartment to do the things you don’t want them to do, are you letting them into the premises?
pisces0387 [OP] 2 points 1y ago
well yes, but I mean it's not like I have any choice. If I didn't there would be major fall out, and I don't know if I could deal with that
BeforeSides 12 points 1y ago
Then it sounds like you’ve decided to allow this to continue. I’m assuming you’ve tried to talk with them already about not doing this and that it is unwelcome behavior? If so, then your options are clear: put a stop to it or put up with it. Only thing I could recommend is just keep your place cleaned up to where they have nothing to clean. If you know the day they’re arriving, hire a house cleaner to swing by the day before if finances allow. They don’t need to know how things got cleaned up. Just that they are. Eventually the combination of wasted trips for them to clean an already spotless apartment on top of you reminding them that they are unwelcome and unwanted could get the message across. But boundaries aren’t respected unless they’re enforced for the type of behavior you’re describing. The fallout will suck and only you can be the judge of what that looks like and whether or not it’s worth it or not.
Good luck homie.
Good luck homie.
unwaivering 1 points 1y ago
Well if it were me, and I didn't want to go to a family function, or particularly want my parents to come, I'd tell them I was asleep, or in the shower, or bathroom, or anything I could. I'd Even tell them I was sick, if that will work. It would probably just make them more concerned though, so that probably isn't a good idea. Trust me, I know, I've dealt with this crap.
pisces0387 [OP] 1 points 1y ago
Sorry meant to say way before now, yes, it's my name on the lease, and onlyi pay my bills etc
carolineecouture 5 points 1y ago
This sounds really rough. Did you tell them not to come? I mean clearly say, "No, don't come. I won't let you in." If they have keys change the locks. Seriously.
If you are an adult you decide who comes into your place or not.
My mother wanted a key to my apartment, which I paid for because I had my own job and I was an adult and I said "no." She made all kinds of arguments about if there was an emergency or something and I still told her "no." I left a copy of my house keys in my desk at my office.
It's hard creating boundaries and they won't like it but it's part of being an adult.
Good luck!
If you are an adult you decide who comes into your place or not.
My mother wanted a key to my apartment, which I paid for because I had my own job and I was an adult and I said "no." She made all kinds of arguments about if there was an emergency or something and I still told her "no." I left a copy of my house keys in my desk at my office.
It's hard creating boundaries and they won't like it but it's part of being an adult.
Good luck!
PrincessDie123 3 points 1y ago
Oh wow that sounds incredibly infuriating. Ask them if they would want their parents inviting themselves over to go through their private belonging only to complain about it the whole time while also refusing to leave.
unwaivering 3 points 1y ago
Mom has done this to me several times. Yeah it's very frustrating!! Eventually, I had to get counseling, because I couldn't take the constant criticism anymore. My sister made fun of me for going "outside the family," for advice.
PrincessDie123 2 points 1y ago
Jesus that’s straight up abuse then, using going “outside the family” is a literal manipulation tactic. Mine never used those precise words but they made it clear that was their sentiments.
unwaivering 2 points 1y ago
It was then that I thought I might be in a cult.
PrincessDie123 2 points 1y ago
Feels that way a bit once you leave it behind
pisces0387 [OP] 1 points 1y ago
I have have that said to me before. How dare you go outside the family....
unwaivering 1 points 1y ago
My counselor told me this is a codependent family relationship. When someone says, "how dare you go outside the family for advice," that's definitely what this is.
TechnicalPragmatist 3 points 1y ago
Yep I can relate, I have a few suggestions but don’t know if they will work or not.
Shout back and resist. Yes it may require braking up of things. I think it may worsen things. I have very asian parents who don’t clearly want to talk to me nor do they care what I like, they don’t even know who the frick I am okay? Yeah, it’s bad. Draw hard boundaries and don’t let them boss you, but again, this isn’t easy.
I understand because I have seen it with my own eyes. I am blind from a very young age myself and I have lived on my own in a sense. My parents still don’t think I can live on my own, even though I have and then they took a trip back to asia a few years ago and I was here by myself for a month or almost that three weeks and nothing happened the house was clean, I lived on my own then they went to my sisters place for 10 days and again, nothing happened. I had a great time. When I called them to ask about hair ties to get rid of I stilll need to drive them over to good will or salvation army or something they condescended me in front of my sister’s boyfriend. Who doesn’t really see me as much or want to talk to me.
Shout back and resist. Yes it may require braking up of things. I think it may worsen things. I have very asian parents who don’t clearly want to talk to me nor do they care what I like, they don’t even know who the frick I am okay? Yeah, it’s bad. Draw hard boundaries and don’t let them boss you, but again, this isn’t easy.
I understand because I have seen it with my own eyes. I am blind from a very young age myself and I have lived on my own in a sense. My parents still don’t think I can live on my own, even though I have and then they took a trip back to asia a few years ago and I was here by myself for a month or almost that three weeks and nothing happened the house was clean, I lived on my own then they went to my sisters place for 10 days and again, nothing happened. I had a great time. When I called them to ask about hair ties to get rid of I stilll need to drive them over to good will or salvation army or something they condescended me in front of my sister’s boyfriend. Who doesn’t really see me as much or want to talk to me.
pisces0387 [OP] 2 points 1y ago
why doesn't he want to talk to you? That makes no sense?
TechnicalPragmatist 3 points 1y ago
Family enviornment and the toxic impressions they have of me, no one views me this way outside but my family. Because I complain, resist and fight back I am now a petulent child.
unwaivering 1 points 1y ago
My family's that way now kind of. I talk to mom once a week. Used to talk to her every day for years. I feel it's more obligatory than anything.
TechnicalPragmatist 1 points 1y ago
Sad but yeah. But my family has always been that way but it’s a long story. I am also a woman and asian more things to consider in my case but okay. And a pretty darn outspoken one. All the personality tests tests me as dominant outspoken assertive, leadership qualities and all.
I just took another jung test, this one I don’t know as much about, a architype one, and I was 0 surprised I got the king or ruler. Heh!and I am d on disc, just as a blind person you’re not suppose to be add asian woman and that’s just wrong. I am wrong hahaha! Not what I think but society doesn’t like me.
Someone was just talking about an angry estj and I am like in this case we’re talking about I claim my right to shout at you if you disagree with me. And no appology or shame and walk away and end of discussion.
I just took another jung test, this one I don’t know as much about, a architype one, and I was 0 surprised I got the king or ruler. Heh!and I am d on disc, just as a blind person you’re not suppose to be add asian woman and that’s just wrong. I am wrong hahaha! Not what I think but society doesn’t like me.
Someone was just talking about an angry estj and I am like in this case we’re talking about I claim my right to shout at you if you disagree with me. And no appology or shame and walk away and end of discussion.
pisces0387 [OP] 1 points 1y ago
sounds like we are twins 🫶👩🦯
TechnicalPragmatist 5 points 1y ago
as I was saying someone else on this thread, it’s a very common thing with blind people especially totally blind from birth or totally blind from a young age, we actually talk about this a lot in totally blind places and groups. It’s not uncommon at all.
Many parents shelter their kids a few of us including myself fight back most just sit there and take it. It’s really sad, it’s a persistent and pervasive problem in the community.
Many parents shelter their kids a few of us including myself fight back most just sit there and take it. It’s really sad, it’s a persistent and pervasive problem in the community.
unwaivering 1 points 1y ago
Yeah had to do this with mom. Basically told her if she doesn't like the way I was arranging things in my apartment to not come over here. She told me I wasn't being a very loving Christian.
TechnicalPragmatist 1 points 1y ago
What the actual frick! I was actally listening to some music and I heard this and had to stop it to reply it makes me angry! Seriously? What? Who’s the unloving christian here? Pa-lease!
I’ve had that happen going through something like this at a church I was going to. Especially because I am totally blind they think I am not capable. This guy just pell mell ran in to me and my cane and I got angry. The pastor’s wife got on me. It was pretty ugly. Why are you so unloving and angry.
Seriously. That guy bolddozed my cane and almost bolddozed me can I be indignant. No? Am I suppose to let him run me over?
I’ve had that happen going through something like this at a church I was going to. Especially because I am totally blind they think I am not capable. This guy just pell mell ran in to me and my cane and I got angry. The pastor’s wife got on me. It was pretty ugly. Why are you so unloving and angry.
Seriously. That guy bolddozed my cane and almost bolddozed me can I be indignant. No? Am I suppose to let him run me over?
unwaivering 1 points 1y ago
Yeah went to a Pastoral counselor after that. Needless to say he told me I wasn't being unloving.
TechnicalPragmatist 2 points 1y ago
Makes sense. That’s good.
unwaivering 1 points 1y ago
Well if that would've happened to me, I would've been angry too!! although I probably just would have said hey I'm right here or something like that and left the area. I've gotten into some crashes at church myself, and I just try to be like oh hi what's up? Usually they're with people I know though, so they're OK with it. If they aren't, they just say "excuse me."
TechnicalPragmatist 1 points 1y ago
Some crashes happen but usually I am good with it, this person was rude said excuse me and was simultaneously trying to push through. It was rude.
OldManOnFire 3 points 1y ago
That's a horrible situation to put you in.
Your mom and sister should read what you wrote here. They won't understand what they've done until you show it to them.
After that, if they still treat you like a helpless baby, making you choose between your dignity and your obligation to family, they aren't good people.
I guess the non-stop criticism and refusal to listen to you already told you that. But they're still family. It's complicated.
I don't have an easy answer, but here's an online hug.
Your mom and sister should read what you wrote here. They won't understand what they've done until you show it to them.
After that, if they still treat you like a helpless baby, making you choose between your dignity and your obligation to family, they aren't good people.
I guess the non-stop criticism and refusal to listen to you already told you that. But they're still family. It's complicated.
I don't have an easy answer, but here's an online hug.
TechnicalPragmatist 5 points 1y ago
What you don’t understand is scores of blind people if not a lot of the totally blind from young or from birth is treated routinely like this.
pisces0387 [OP] 2 points 1y ago
they would never read it, and if they did I don't even want to think about what would happen, but I appreciate your reply
DHamlinMusic 3 points 1y ago
Yeah just wtf, I mean really wow… I do not even know what to make of that, could you like change the locks to keep them out and make it clear you don’t want this? Obviously you have already made that clear but they clearly do not understand boundries.
unwaivering 2 points 1y ago
I did deal with that. At one point my mom was complaining about how my apartment looked every time she came over here. I basically said if you're going to complain you can't come over anymore. She whined and moaned, and didn't want to listen for a while, but she rarely comes over now.
r_1235 2 points 1y ago
Haha, I totally get this. I have same kind of parents, accept I am living with them. Nothing goes unnoticed, privacy is none. Totally get it that it's out of their love and care, but, at some point, they must understand that the child's got to make his own way. I am like 10 years younger then the OP though, so, that's ok I suppose.
unwaivering 2 points 1y ago
I moved into my own place when I was 23. Mom wants me to move into one of those adult care homes. Well not until I'm 55 at least. I guess if I get really bad health issues before then, which could definitely happen, I'll have to agree to that, it won't happen without some extreme stipulations though.
bradley22 1 points 1y ago
I’d just lock the door. Tell them that you can come here as much as you want but the door is locked you’re not getting in, it’s my house in my life.
NoConfidence_2192 0 points 1y ago
When they come over like that they have all the power. They decide:
* When to come by -What to do when they get there
* How long they stay
* What they're going to talk about -Plus anything else they can think of
As annoying as they may be right now it sounds like they care. Not everyone has that. Would it be so terrible to periodically give her the chance to vent her anxieties if you had more control over the situation?
I don't know you or your family so I cannot really tell you what will work. I can tell you what worked for my family under similar circumstances several years ago:
* If you can, try arranging to get yourself to her house for a couple of hours every week or 2. That will give her the chance to vent while giving you some control over when it happens, how long it goes on for, and may keep her from feeling she needs to invite herself over so often
* You will still probably need to invite here to your place periodically (every month or so was what worked for my family several years ago). You doing the inviting gives you a lot more control the here inviting herself and it gives you the chance to prepare ahead of time
Good luck and remember to enjoy the day.
* When to come by -What to do when they get there
* How long they stay
* What they're going to talk about -Plus anything else they can think of
As annoying as they may be right now it sounds like they care. Not everyone has that. Would it be so terrible to periodically give her the chance to vent her anxieties if you had more control over the situation?
I don't know you or your family so I cannot really tell you what will work. I can tell you what worked for my family under similar circumstances several years ago:
* If you can, try arranging to get yourself to her house for a couple of hours every week or 2. That will give her the chance to vent while giving you some control over when it happens, how long it goes on for, and may keep her from feeling she needs to invite herself over so often
* You will still probably need to invite here to your place periodically (every month or so was what worked for my family several years ago). You doing the inviting gives you a lot more control the here inviting herself and it gives you the chance to prepare ahead of time
Good luck and remember to enjoy the day.
unwaivering 2 points 1y ago
You're right, I've had this done to me many times, including the rearranging of my furniture without my permission. that wasn't fun for me at all. Needless to say, I don't let my parents over now.
TechnicalPragmatist 2 points 1y ago
It’s a lot harder when you are a total from birth or very young.
unwaivering 1 points 1y ago
Dealing with parents is definitely one of the harder things.
TechnicalPragmatist 2 points 1y ago
Yes agreed.
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