Blind and Visually Impaired Community
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Eight years of total blindness and I'm yet to find a reason to live (self.Blind)
submitted by Fridux
Sorry about the rant, but I needed to vent somewhere and this felt the most appropriate place to do it as I'm more likely to find people who can relate here than anywhere else.
It's been 8 years since I went totally blind due to glaucoma, and I'm getting tired of the lack of emotion in my life. I've sought the help of psychiatrists, psychologists, and occupational therapists but none of that helped so far because this is not a mental illness, and those people don't even suggest solutions which is what I really need.
Sometimes I get excited about a project and even invest money on whatever I need to accomplish my goals, but then as time progresses I get demotivated by my inability to deal with complexity and lack of attention to detail resulting from my blindness. I want to assist my elderly mother with her errands, but feel powerless because she prefers to hire third parties to do the job instead. I want to find a job and stop living off disability benefits, but am ashamed of requiring accommodations that don't even mitigate my limitations completely. I want to make new acquaintances, but live in a city of retired old people. Even procrastinating is a problem since my only entertainment interests used to be immersive video-games. It's important for me to feel useful, but no matter how much effort I put into things I cannot find any meaningful way to contribute positively to society.
I feel that my best years are behind me, and that my life will never be even close to as rewarding as it once was, but I need to do something about it, because I don't think I can survive another 8 years of this crap, and even if I DO survive I do not see a point in this life. Being blind feels like everyone's life is a huge party that I'm not invited to.
If you are totally blind like me and still manage to enjoy life, what makes it worth living for you?
It's been 8 years since I went totally blind due to glaucoma, and I'm getting tired of the lack of emotion in my life. I've sought the help of psychiatrists, psychologists, and occupational therapists but none of that helped so far because this is not a mental illness, and those people don't even suggest solutions which is what I really need.
Sometimes I get excited about a project and even invest money on whatever I need to accomplish my goals, but then as time progresses I get demotivated by my inability to deal with complexity and lack of attention to detail resulting from my blindness. I want to assist my elderly mother with her errands, but feel powerless because she prefers to hire third parties to do the job instead. I want to find a job and stop living off disability benefits, but am ashamed of requiring accommodations that don't even mitigate my limitations completely. I want to make new acquaintances, but live in a city of retired old people. Even procrastinating is a problem since my only entertainment interests used to be immersive video-games. It's important for me to feel useful, but no matter how much effort I put into things I cannot find any meaningful way to contribute positively to society.
I feel that my best years are behind me, and that my life will never be even close to as rewarding as it once was, but I need to do something about it, because I don't think I can survive another 8 years of this crap, and even if I DO survive I do not see a point in this life. Being blind feels like everyone's life is a huge party that I'm not invited to.
If you are totally blind like me and still manage to enjoy life, what makes it worth living for you?
Laser_Lens_4 13 points 1y ago
It sounds like (part of) your issue may be feeling like you have a lack of autonomy. I was born VI and lost my remaining sight about 5 years ago. Part of what helped me was going to vocational rehabilitation. I'm in California which has a pretty good state agency. They can help with training and equipment purchases. I was also connected with a therapist who specializes in blindness. He himself is blind, so it was a good experience and helped me work through my anger and frustration. You're right that it's not a mental illness, but blindness will absolutely cause depression. I take antidepressants and speak to a therapist regularly. They're both good tools to help manage my mental health. What ended up really helping me out was connecting with other blind people. I'm part of a few communities, one of which is a group of blind ttrpg players. We play D&D and other games like that. Check out $1 . There is also a small but thriving community of blind streamers which I'm a part of. I won't get your hopes up, there aren't very many games we can play, but there are a few, and accessibility mods are starting to pop up. I play Stardew Valley, Hades, and most recently Factorio. There are also mods for Minecraft. I know a blind streamer who plays World of Warcraft with friends. She's the one who introduced me to Hades, actually.
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Next, something that really helped make me feel whole again was music production. I make electronic music with a Mac, Logic Pro, and Komplete Kontrol. Yes, there's a community of blind musicians too, and they're very helpful people. Having a creative outlet has really helped me stay mentally active and keep the darkness at bay. I've become extremely well-attuned to my sense of hearing without sight, and listening to synthesizers that sound like a chain-smoking Sega Megadrive never fails to bring a smile to my face.
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Frankly, I find going out into the real world quite tedious due to the whole blindness thing, so instead I meet people online. I've made friends in the streaming community, the ttrpg community, the furry community, and more. In fact, I got a romantic relationship out of it. I'm currently saving up to visit them.
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Most recently, I got into specialty coffee. Obviously, there's the caffeine, but it's also a multisensory experience of taste, aroma, and texture that really doesn't require much in the way of vision. Music keeps my ears stimulated. Coffee keeps my tongue and nose stimulated. Are you familiar with the concept of stimming? It's the act of doing something to give your body some form of stimulation. For me, typing is a great form that helps me stay focused on a task. Back to the topic at hand. For a while, I got into fancy soaps because of the smell, but that didn't hold my interest for long. Personally, I enjoy coffee much more because you get to do science in the form of playing with brew time, water temperature, and grind size, and you get to drink legal drugs at the end of it all.
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One of the lessons I took from my therapy is understanding that the pain you feel from losing your vision will not go away. It will stay with you. There are days when I wonder if I'm actually dead and this is hell. There are days when I want to eat a gun. Being blind is fucking hard, it fucking sucks, and it's fucking bullshit, but what you can do is grow and make it a smaller part of you. Nobody likes being blind. That's okay. There's still cool stuff to do. Sometimes it just takes a little digging. I hope you don't leave with just the negative parts of this last paragraph. I wrote it because, despite having found something better, I still struggle. It's hard, but what I have learned to do makes it worth it. So maybe it'll take you a little longer to figure out what works for you. No biggie. Everyone is different. I know I've made far more mistakes than I'm willing to admit. Some of them worse than others. It was worth it though, considering what I've found. Funny thing about blindness is it helped me realize that I'm also trans and probably neurodivergent. Turns out getting the right set of hormones in your body gives your mental health a big boost. I'm not saying you should go and start taking hormones or popping adderall (seriously don't unless a doctor prescribes it. I still remember the horrible anxiety), but I've become more introspective about myself and all the little quirks and oddities I have since I'm less caught up in appearances, and I've come to embrace those quirks. Disability is one of those things that forces you to build, and in some cases rebuild, your own identity. It's hard as hell, but damn is it nice when you start piecing it together and figuring it all out. Be weird. Do cool stuff. Take chances (but don't be stupid). Blindness isn't a reason to stop kicking ass. You just have to find a new boot to kick with.
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I started typing this and then my stream of consciousness took over. I hope it at least helps a little. If not, I'm sorry.
​
Next, something that really helped make me feel whole again was music production. I make electronic music with a Mac, Logic Pro, and Komplete Kontrol. Yes, there's a community of blind musicians too, and they're very helpful people. Having a creative outlet has really helped me stay mentally active and keep the darkness at bay. I've become extremely well-attuned to my sense of hearing without sight, and listening to synthesizers that sound like a chain-smoking Sega Megadrive never fails to bring a smile to my face.
​
Frankly, I find going out into the real world quite tedious due to the whole blindness thing, so instead I meet people online. I've made friends in the streaming community, the ttrpg community, the furry community, and more. In fact, I got a romantic relationship out of it. I'm currently saving up to visit them.
​
Most recently, I got into specialty coffee. Obviously, there's the caffeine, but it's also a multisensory experience of taste, aroma, and texture that really doesn't require much in the way of vision. Music keeps my ears stimulated. Coffee keeps my tongue and nose stimulated. Are you familiar with the concept of stimming? It's the act of doing something to give your body some form of stimulation. For me, typing is a great form that helps me stay focused on a task. Back to the topic at hand. For a while, I got into fancy soaps because of the smell, but that didn't hold my interest for long. Personally, I enjoy coffee much more because you get to do science in the form of playing with brew time, water temperature, and grind size, and you get to drink legal drugs at the end of it all.
​
One of the lessons I took from my therapy is understanding that the pain you feel from losing your vision will not go away. It will stay with you. There are days when I wonder if I'm actually dead and this is hell. There are days when I want to eat a gun. Being blind is fucking hard, it fucking sucks, and it's fucking bullshit, but what you can do is grow and make it a smaller part of you. Nobody likes being blind. That's okay. There's still cool stuff to do. Sometimes it just takes a little digging. I hope you don't leave with just the negative parts of this last paragraph. I wrote it because, despite having found something better, I still struggle. It's hard, but what I have learned to do makes it worth it. So maybe it'll take you a little longer to figure out what works for you. No biggie. Everyone is different. I know I've made far more mistakes than I'm willing to admit. Some of them worse than others. It was worth it though, considering what I've found. Funny thing about blindness is it helped me realize that I'm also trans and probably neurodivergent. Turns out getting the right set of hormones in your body gives your mental health a big boost. I'm not saying you should go and start taking hormones or popping adderall (seriously don't unless a doctor prescribes it. I still remember the horrible anxiety), but I've become more introspective about myself and all the little quirks and oddities I have since I'm less caught up in appearances, and I've come to embrace those quirks. Disability is one of those things that forces you to build, and in some cases rebuild, your own identity. It's hard as hell, but damn is it nice when you start piecing it together and figuring it all out. Be weird. Do cool stuff. Take chances (but don't be stupid). Blindness isn't a reason to stop kicking ass. You just have to find a new boot to kick with.
​
I started typing this and then my stream of consciousness took over. I hope it at least helps a little. If not, I'm sorry.
MostlyBlindGamer 3 points 1y ago
Excellent write-up. For me, the bottom line is the world is so big that we don't even know what amazing things we might end up getting into. We've have to be open to be experiences and not act like we know everything, because we don't.
Wolfocorn20 3 points 1y ago
Yep that kinda soms up what i wanted to say but you put it 10 times better than i probably could have done it.
Wouldn't mind having a little chat with you tho. :)
Wouldn't mind having a little chat with you tho. :)
Fridux [OP] 0 points 1y ago
I've been through rehabilitation and can be autonomous, when the people around me let me, which they don't.
I did try music for a year at some point, piano to be more specific, not because I like that instrument in particular but because I wanted to become proficient with electronic keyboard instruments and thought that piano was the hardest keyboard instrument that I could learn. The idea was to one day be able to compose dynamic music for video-games, but I must say that I wasn't very good at it as I'm more of an intellectual than physical kind of person, so when I started having to grow muscle memory in order to quickly lift my hands off the keyboard and land in the right place I became frustrated, and when that started stalling my progress through the last lessons of the first grade I had to accept the reality that I'd never even be an average musician. My process of learning new songs was also very impractical, as I had to listen and sometimes examine the MIDI files produced by my teacher in order to memorize each note, and that was quickly becoming a problem as the complexity of the songs grew. Sighted people can read as they play and look at the keyboard while learning whereas I was deprived of all of that due to being blind.
I also tried playing World of Warcraft blind, and even started making an accessibility add-on for the retail version, but unfortunately I have nobody to play with other than my niece who is extremely busy now, nor do I have anyone sighted to help me with the testing, and I doubt I'd have fun anyway since, just like in real life, I cannot be a valuable asset to any group anymore. I used to play during the early days of the game, and loved the attention I got during that time because I loved tanking and would do it for anyone, but unfortunately that's an experience that I will never get to relive since tanking is completely off-limits to the blind. Still I was having fun making that add-on in hopes that it would be useful to someone else, but after learning about two other competing add-ons implemented by sighted people who were doing much better than mine I had no reason to continue. The reason why I used to like playing video-games was either for immersion or for sharing cooperative experiences. I have no interest in games beyond that.
Unfortunately I don't think there's much left to discover about myself. Some people only find out what they want out of life after experiencing extreme situations, but I'm not one of those cases, as I've known what I wanted out of life ever since I was a child in elementary school.
I did try music for a year at some point, piano to be more specific, not because I like that instrument in particular but because I wanted to become proficient with electronic keyboard instruments and thought that piano was the hardest keyboard instrument that I could learn. The idea was to one day be able to compose dynamic music for video-games, but I must say that I wasn't very good at it as I'm more of an intellectual than physical kind of person, so when I started having to grow muscle memory in order to quickly lift my hands off the keyboard and land in the right place I became frustrated, and when that started stalling my progress through the last lessons of the first grade I had to accept the reality that I'd never even be an average musician. My process of learning new songs was also very impractical, as I had to listen and sometimes examine the MIDI files produced by my teacher in order to memorize each note, and that was quickly becoming a problem as the complexity of the songs grew. Sighted people can read as they play and look at the keyboard while learning whereas I was deprived of all of that due to being blind.
I also tried playing World of Warcraft blind, and even started making an accessibility add-on for the retail version, but unfortunately I have nobody to play with other than my niece who is extremely busy now, nor do I have anyone sighted to help me with the testing, and I doubt I'd have fun anyway since, just like in real life, I cannot be a valuable asset to any group anymore. I used to play during the early days of the game, and loved the attention I got during that time because I loved tanking and would do it for anyone, but unfortunately that's an experience that I will never get to relive since tanking is completely off-limits to the blind. Still I was having fun making that add-on in hopes that it would be useful to someone else, but after learning about two other competing add-ons implemented by sighted people who were doing much better than mine I had no reason to continue. The reason why I used to like playing video-games was either for immersion or for sharing cooperative experiences. I have no interest in games beyond that.
Unfortunately I don't think there's much left to discover about myself. Some people only find out what they want out of life after experiencing extreme situations, but I'm not one of those cases, as I've known what I wanted out of life ever since I was a child in elementary school.
MostlyBlindGamer 5 points 1y ago
Here's the deal. Sometimes we're not thinking straight so egregiously that we're sure we're being completely rational and have explored all possible angles around an issue. Except we're actually rationalizing emotional responses and shutting out other options.
I say this because I've been there myself. I won't claim to know how you feel and my situation isn't the same as yours anyway, but there are patterns here.
For what it's worth, I'm not good at playing on a keyboard either, but I can make really cool stuff with a beat sequencer. Have you heard of The Last of Us Part II or the upcoming God of War Ragnarok? Did you know Stardew Valley has co-op farms? Not to mention Minecraft. Have you considered that specialty coffee, as a hobby is incredibly detail oriented and accessible through smart scales and programmable electric kettles?
Finally, it's almost arrogant to believe you've explored yourself completely. Nobody has or ever will, if for nothing else than because we're constantly changing and evolving.
I say this because I've been there myself. I won't claim to know how you feel and my situation isn't the same as yours anyway, but there are patterns here.
For what it's worth, I'm not good at playing on a keyboard either, but I can make really cool stuff with a beat sequencer. Have you heard of The Last of Us Part II or the upcoming God of War Ragnarok? Did you know Stardew Valley has co-op farms? Not to mention Minecraft. Have you considered that specialty coffee, as a hobby is incredibly detail oriented and accessible through smart scales and programmable electric kettles?
Finally, it's almost arrogant to believe you've explored yourself completely. Nobody has or ever will, if for nothing else than because we're constantly changing and evolving.
TXblindman 13 points 1y ago
Your situation sounds extremely similar to my own, I’ve recently realized a lot of my struggles stemmed from my ADHD rather than my blindness, your talk of motivation struggles and love a video games lead me to believe you might have it, have a look at the ADHD sub.
DHamlinMusic 8 points 1y ago
I would ask to both of you what social interaction you have, I have found just hanging and chatting with people on the discord and such to help a lot with at the very least the lack of understanding and community. Also was heavily into gaming and other things that have stopped being doable or become extremely difficult. As for the rest of the matter at hand I have not fully sorted that out, went blind just at the start of the pandemic, so nothing has really been available to try and do out and about, didn’t get out much before either, and have been on disability for many years so work was not a factor that was affected.
Minister_of_Joy 1 points 1y ago
Hey, I've got a question about your ADHD if that's okay. For a while I've been suspecting I might suffer from ADD. My dad was diagnosed with it and so was my brother and my cousin (dad's side of the family). My dad's ADD is quite severe and without his meds he can't really function. Since he got them, his life quality has improved significantly.
Anyway, so I'd like to get checked by a doctor/psychiatrist who is specialist on this stuff but some sighted people told me that may not work because all the tests they put you through are highly visual. Like, you need to look at a red spot on a computer screen and press a button when it appears/disappears. They measure reaction time and stuff like that. So my question is: what kind of tests did they do with you? How were they able to diagnose you with ADHD despite you being blind?
Anyway, so I'd like to get checked by a doctor/psychiatrist who is specialist on this stuff but some sighted people told me that may not work because all the tests they put you through are highly visual. Like, you need to look at a red spot on a computer screen and press a button when it appears/disappears. They measure reaction time and stuff like that. So my question is: what kind of tests did they do with you? How were they able to diagnose you with ADHD despite you being blind?
TXblindman 1 points 1y ago
I was actually diagnosed as a very young child when I still had decent functional vision. At that young age, the doctor walked into the room and I completely ignored him in favor of his fire truck examination bed, he said that’s when he thought to himself oh yeah, he’s definitely got it.
ImSpArK63 1 points 1y ago
I immediately thought ADHD reading this as well.
Fridux [OP] 1 points 1y ago
I wonder why both of you think that. Is it because I said that procrastination is a problem? If it is then I didn't mean that I have a problem with procrastination but rather that I can't even procrastinate when I feel like taking a break from something. Sometimes I spend days coding and barely even sleep, but at some point I need to take a break to draw inspiration from somewhere else, and my only source of entertainment is reading what people have to say about various subjects here on reddit.
ImSpArK63 2 points 1y ago
It was because of the hyper focus on the games and design process and then the demotivation and unable to finish the process. I’m 41 and was just diagnosed. I love starting creative projects but then when I hit a difficulty I just quit and am unable to follow through to completion. It just stuck out to me.
Fridux [OP] 3 points 1y ago
I don't quit things when they become challenging as I actually love a good challenge and exploring my limits, but when I hit a hard limit and start depending on others then that's where I draw the line. My blindness is no one else's fault, so I'm not entitled to anyone's attention just because I want to finish something and can definitely not do it alone.
Fridux [OP] 1 points 1y ago
Well if I have ADHD, it hasn't been diagnosed yet, and I've been through a lot of mental health specialists during the last 8 years. I've also Googled ADHD and at least the description in the featured snippet doesn't sound like me at all. I'm not impulsive, don't struggle with paying attention, attempt to predict the outcome of all my actions, and am not very energetic. The reason why I used to play games was twofold: I liked to immerse myself in another reality and be the hero in single-player games and I liked to help others achieve their objectives in cooperative multi-player games.
As for my motivation, I lose it because I can't perform as well as I like. For example I just bought another Raspberry Pi along with its official touchscreen despite being totally blind because I want to play around with computer graphics on Linux and want to dedicate my first Pi to serve content on the Internet, however I will most likely get demotivated once the project for which I bought it is near completion because little things that I cannot pay attention to due to being blind will affect the final experience and I will only learn about them too late. I've been through this before, but keep acting like I still have sight or this time it will be different.
I'm a creative person, and attention to detail used to characterize me. My goal in life used to be to provide memorable experiences that people could feel unconsciously even if they couldn't appreciate. I feel good not when people compliment me but rather when they try the same kind of product made by someone else and complain about things they hadn't even thought about while using my creations, and to that end I don't mind to put more effort into making things than most would, but I also expect quality as a result. The problem is that right now my extra effort is only compensating for my disability, and in addition I think I've reached a plateau from which I cannot progress no matter how hard I work.
As for my motivation, I lose it because I can't perform as well as I like. For example I just bought another Raspberry Pi along with its official touchscreen despite being totally blind because I want to play around with computer graphics on Linux and want to dedicate my first Pi to serve content on the Internet, however I will most likely get demotivated once the project for which I bought it is near completion because little things that I cannot pay attention to due to being blind will affect the final experience and I will only learn about them too late. I've been through this before, but keep acting like I still have sight or this time it will be different.
I'm a creative person, and attention to detail used to characterize me. My goal in life used to be to provide memorable experiences that people could feel unconsciously even if they couldn't appreciate. I feel good not when people compliment me but rather when they try the same kind of product made by someone else and complain about things they hadn't even thought about while using my creations, and to that end I don't mind to put more effort into making things than most would, but I also expect quality as a result. The problem is that right now my extra effort is only compensating for my disability, and in addition I think I've reached a plateau from which I cannot progress no matter how hard I work.
yoyo2718 6 points 1y ago
I may be way off base, but from your post it sounds like you highly value creativity, and using that creativity to give others a good experience. Have you considered combining that creativity and interest in gaming to try something like dungeons and dragons? I think there’s a discord for that for blind players, might be a good social outlet. And you strike me as someone who may be good at coming up with creative and detailed characters (or campaigns if you get into DMing) that players would really appreciate. I don’t know if something like that could give you part of the fulfillment you’re looking for, but might be worth considering. Or creative writing could be another creative and social outlet. Lots of writers groups around, and that attention to detail may make you a great beta reader for others in the group, which I’m sure would really help them out.
Fridux [OP] 0 points 1y ago
Never tried Dungeons and Dragons, and have been avoiding chat services ever since I went blind because I don't feel comfortable using any of the chat clients that I've tried so far, especially Discord which I can't get along with on MacOS.
Tretarooskie 1 points 1y ago
There are a number of very friendly discord communities, and you can interface with them using web to start with. This subreddit has one.
oldfogey12345 5 points 1y ago
I believe you are handling it better than you think. Your first instinct, talking to a shrink, was the right way to go.
It's not very well known, but the professional you need to talk to is a therapist with expertise in grief counseling.
You suffered a profound loss which affects you mentally and physically and need coping mechanisms to deal with the loss.
Try and get one that has been practicing for a long time. You may need to try a few to get a good fit.
It's not very well known, but the professional you need to talk to is a therapist with expertise in grief counseling.
You suffered a profound loss which affects you mentally and physically and need coping mechanisms to deal with the loss.
Try and get one that has been practicing for a long time. You may need to try a few to get a good fit.
DrillInstructorJan 4 points 1y ago
I was where you are for a long time and sometimes I still am, and I will tell you what works for me. I will also say there is no magic trick, it's not a sudden thing that happens to make you feel OK about it, it's an ongoing thing that constantly needs work and attention. It's not even a process, it's a constant job. If I sit around at home I start getting wound up by it, which is sort of ironic because sitting around at home is the time it bothers you least, so there's a weird tension there. In order to have a good day, you have to face it and confront it and do loads of work to blast through it as much as you can.
So with all that in mind, for me what saves it is two things, the work I do, and the time I spend with my padawan learners. But I don't think the specifics matter very much. What matters is not being at home, being out and doing stuff, meeting people. I have a sort of internal score running, how productive was I today. I feel good on days I feel productive. The time it starts to get at me is when I feel like it has made me less productive and I think we share that fear
Not being able to see, when you know what it's like to be able to see, is not very nice and nobody who has any experience of both will ever tell you otherwise. Unfortunately the only way to make it bearable in my experience is to get out and do stuff and constantly prove to yourself that it's possible. It's not easy, you will end up doing a bunch of work that other people don't have to and it is not fair and it is not fun, but I promise it absolutely is worth it.
So with all that in mind, for me what saves it is two things, the work I do, and the time I spend with my padawan learners. But I don't think the specifics matter very much. What matters is not being at home, being out and doing stuff, meeting people. I have a sort of internal score running, how productive was I today. I feel good on days I feel productive. The time it starts to get at me is when I feel like it has made me less productive and I think we share that fear
Not being able to see, when you know what it's like to be able to see, is not very nice and nobody who has any experience of both will ever tell you otherwise. Unfortunately the only way to make it bearable in my experience is to get out and do stuff and constantly prove to yourself that it's possible. It's not easy, you will end up doing a bunch of work that other people don't have to and it is not fair and it is not fun, but I promise it absolutely is worth it.
GTbuddha 3 points 1y ago
I am going to throw something out there that will be very different.
Have you considered going to oneofthe states with legalized psychedelic mushrooms?
I find them to be very therapeutic. I enjoy the lift in my emotions. I enjoy getting to see and see color again. I appreciate that I can do years of work that I would do in therapy, in one afternoon.
Psychedelics are non addictive so even if you have a history or family history of addiction there isn't a risk. If anything, lots of psychedelics are used to get people to end their addiction.
If you wish to message me privately, since some people wouldn't want to talk about these things in public, feel free.
Have you considered going to oneofthe states with legalized psychedelic mushrooms?
I find them to be very therapeutic. I enjoy the lift in my emotions. I enjoy getting to see and see color again. I appreciate that I can do years of work that I would do in therapy, in one afternoon.
Psychedelics are non addictive so even if you have a history or family history of addiction there isn't a risk. If anything, lots of psychedelics are used to get people to end their addiction.
If you wish to message me privately, since some people wouldn't want to talk about these things in public, feel free.
ForceR-1356 3 points 1y ago
Not totally blind, but I have lost vision due to glaucoma.
I don't know where you are located, however maybe trying to join an adaptive sports team? Goalball and beep baseball are 2 sports that require no sight or skill. Alot of states in the US have.teams and are constantly looking for members.
Also, from a creative side maybe joining an audiobook bookclub or blogging or even vlogging?
I am sorry you are struggling friend. I hope it gets better.
I don't know where you are located, however maybe trying to join an adaptive sports team? Goalball and beep baseball are 2 sports that require no sight or skill. Alot of states in the US have.teams and are constantly looking for members.
Also, from a creative side maybe joining an audiobook bookclub or blogging or even vlogging?
I am sorry you are struggling friend. I hope it gets better.
bradley22 3 points 1y ago
I was born blind so can’t really relate butThe ps5 has a screen reader built in.
The last of us is fully playable by the blind and hopefully the last of us 1 the remake will be too.
There’s www.audiogames.net but it’s down at the moment.
There’s also applevis.com for apple products.
The last of us is fully playable by the blind and hopefully the last of us 1 the remake will be too.
There’s www.audiogames.net but it’s down at the moment.
There’s also applevis.com for apple products.
Rethunker 2 points 1y ago
If there were a way for you to contribute meaningfully to society, would you want to give it a shot? If I've understood a few things about you from your older posts, a project I'm working on could benefit from someone with your coding experience and other skills. In short, I'd like to think I'm offering a solution. Whether it's an appropriate solution I don't know, but I'd like to find out.
Please send me a private message if you'd be interested in discussing further.
Please send me a private message if you'd be interested in discussing further.
Fridux [OP] 2 points 1y ago
I'd love to contribute to a useful project, but one of the reasons why I feel bad is because, while I can code, I find it very difficult to read other people's code blind, so I only work on unimportant personal projects.
Compared to reading code with my eyes, listening to the screen-reader talk is a huge drop in quality of life, and no matter what I do I cannot get used to it. My problem is that, if I have the screen-reader set to only read some punctuation, which is what I do, I miss a lot of symbols in the code, however when I make the screen-reader read all the punctuation I get overwhelmed with information and cannot make sense of it. When I'm the one writing the code I know more or less what's there and have adopted a coding style that helps me understand code so I don't have this problem.
Also at the moment I'm busy with a personal project again. When I wrote that post I was feeling down for having nothing to do, but a couple of days before then I bought a second Raspberry Pi on a whim and am working on a bare metal project using only Rust and assembly. The idea is that, since I cannot find anything useful to do, I'll do something fun and blog the experience once the project is complete.
Thanks again for the offer, but I really don't trust myself to work on anything important.
Compared to reading code with my eyes, listening to the screen-reader talk is a huge drop in quality of life, and no matter what I do I cannot get used to it. My problem is that, if I have the screen-reader set to only read some punctuation, which is what I do, I miss a lot of symbols in the code, however when I make the screen-reader read all the punctuation I get overwhelmed with information and cannot make sense of it. When I'm the one writing the code I know more or less what's there and have adopted a coding style that helps me understand code so I don't have this problem.
Also at the moment I'm busy with a personal project again. When I wrote that post I was feeling down for having nothing to do, but a couple of days before then I bought a second Raspberry Pi on a whim and am working on a bare metal project using only Rust and assembly. The idea is that, since I cannot find anything useful to do, I'll do something fun and blog the experience once the project is complete.
Thanks again for the offer, but I really don't trust myself to work on anything important.
Rethunker 1 points 1y ago
I’m still up for a discussion, should you want to learn more. That you’re using Rust and assembly to work on a Raspberry Pi increases my interest in chatting with you.
If you set a coding style that works for you, then that coding style could become a standard for others. I look forward to your blog post.
Before you create your blog post, would you be willing to share some of your code so that I can learn a bit about the coding style you use and the patterns you follow?
In recent years most of my code for work has been C++, C#, and Swift along with a smattering of other languages. Julia is next since it’s touted by some colleagues as an alternative for MATLAB.
If you set a coding style that works for you, then that coding style could become a standard for others. I look forward to your blog post.
Before you create your blog post, would you be willing to share some of your code so that I can learn a bit about the coding style you use and the patterns you follow?
In recent years most of my code for work has been C++, C#, and Swift along with a smattering of other languages. Julia is next since it’s touted by some colleagues as an alternative for MATLAB.
Fridux [OP] 2 points 1y ago
> Before you create your blog post, would you be willing to share some of your code so that I can learn a bit about the coding style you use and the patterns you follow?
Sure, here's the current `main.rs` of my project which shows both Rust and AArch64 assembly code:
#![no_std]
#![no_main]
mod mailbox;
mod libc;
use core::arch::asm;
#[cfg(not(test))] use core::arch::global_asm;
#[cfg(not(test))] use core::panic::PanicInfo;
use core::ptr::null_mut;
use core::sync::atomic::{Ordering, fence};
use mailbox::video::{PropertyRequest, PropertyRequestTag, PropertyResponseTag, PropertyFrameBufferPixelOrder, PropertyFrameBufferAlphaMode};
// Set up a minimum environment for Rust.
#[cfg(not(test))]
global_asm!(
".globl start",
"start:",
// Set up the stack.
"ldr fp, =dyndata_end",
"sub fp, fp, #0x8",
"mov sp, fp",
"str xzr, [sp]",
// Zero-out the BSS.
"ldr x0, =bss_start",
"mov w1, wzr",
"ldr x2, =bss_end",
"sub x2, x2, x0",
"bl memset",
// Extract the CPU affinity and spin up main.
"mrs x0, mpidr_el1",
"and x0, x0, #0xff",
"bl main",
// In the event that main returns, which is unlikely, halt the system.
"bl halt",
);
#[no_mangle]
pub extern "C" fn main(affinity: u8) -> ! {
// Halt all the cores except for the first.
if affinity != 0 {halt()}
test_frame_buffer();
halt()
}
fn test_frame_buffer() {
// Set up video output.
let response = PropertyRequest::new()
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::CreateFrameBuffer(0x10))
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::ScreenBlankStatus(false))
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::FrameBufferDimensions{width: 320, height: 200})
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::FrameBufferPixelDepth(32))
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::FrameBufferPixelOrder(PropertyFrameBufferPixelOrder::Bgr))
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::FrameBufferAlphaMode(PropertyFrameBufferAlphaMode::Normal))
.query()
.unwrap();
let mut base: *mut u32 = null_mut();
let mut size = 0usize;
// Look for the framebuffer creation response which contains its base pointer and size.
for tag in response {
if let PropertyResponseTag::CreateFrameBuffer{base: returned_base, size: returned_size} = tag {
base = returned_base as *mut u32;
size = returned_size;
break;
}
}
// A zero-sized frame buffer either means that it failed to initialize or a creation tag was not returned.
if size == 0 {halt()}
unsafe {
// Fill the buffer with a color (probably green since it's little endian and the buffer is set to ABGR).
for index in 0 .. (size / 4) {
base.add(index).write(0x00ff0000);
}
}
// Make sure that all the written data makes it to the frame buffer as quickly as possible.
fence(Ordering::Release);
}
#[cfg(not(test))]
#[panic_handler]
fn panic(_: &PanicInfo) -> ! {
halt()
}
#[no_mangle]
pub extern "C" fn halt() -> ! {
unsafe {
asm!(
"0:",
"wfi",
"b 0b",
options (nomem, preserves_flags, noreturn, nostack)
);
}
}
You might have noticed that I'm mixing camel case with snake case, but that's actually a $1 in Rust.
I'm actually writing everything from scratch for this project, including the (so far) two standard C library functions that Rust depends on: `memcpy` and `memset`. In the end the idea is to create a voxel world like Minecraft's from bare metal, but it all depends on whether I can do everything I want with the Raspberry Pi which is very poorly documented.
As for the blog, I haven't even set up the web site for it yet. That's going to be the last thing I will do if I manage to complete this project..
Sure, here's the current `main.rs` of my project which shows both Rust and AArch64 assembly code:
#![no_std]
#![no_main]
mod mailbox;
mod libc;
use core::arch::asm;
#[cfg(not(test))] use core::arch::global_asm;
#[cfg(not(test))] use core::panic::PanicInfo;
use core::ptr::null_mut;
use core::sync::atomic::{Ordering, fence};
use mailbox::video::{PropertyRequest, PropertyRequestTag, PropertyResponseTag, PropertyFrameBufferPixelOrder, PropertyFrameBufferAlphaMode};
// Set up a minimum environment for Rust.
#[cfg(not(test))]
global_asm!(
".globl start",
"start:",
// Set up the stack.
"ldr fp, =dyndata_end",
"sub fp, fp, #0x8",
"mov sp, fp",
"str xzr, [sp]",
// Zero-out the BSS.
"ldr x0, =bss_start",
"mov w1, wzr",
"ldr x2, =bss_end",
"sub x2, x2, x0",
"bl memset",
// Extract the CPU affinity and spin up main.
"mrs x0, mpidr_el1",
"and x0, x0, #0xff",
"bl main",
// In the event that main returns, which is unlikely, halt the system.
"bl halt",
);
#[no_mangle]
pub extern "C" fn main(affinity: u8) -> ! {
// Halt all the cores except for the first.
if affinity != 0 {halt()}
test_frame_buffer();
halt()
}
fn test_frame_buffer() {
// Set up video output.
let response = PropertyRequest::new()
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::CreateFrameBuffer(0x10))
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::ScreenBlankStatus(false))
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::FrameBufferDimensions{width: 320, height: 200})
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::FrameBufferPixelDepth(32))
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::FrameBufferPixelOrder(PropertyFrameBufferPixelOrder::Bgr))
.tag(PropertyRequestTag::FrameBufferAlphaMode(PropertyFrameBufferAlphaMode::Normal))
.query()
.unwrap();
let mut base: *mut u32 = null_mut();
let mut size = 0usize;
// Look for the framebuffer creation response which contains its base pointer and size.
for tag in response {
if let PropertyResponseTag::CreateFrameBuffer{base: returned_base, size: returned_size} = tag {
base = returned_base as *mut u32;
size = returned_size;
break;
}
}
// A zero-sized frame buffer either means that it failed to initialize or a creation tag was not returned.
if size == 0 {halt()}
unsafe {
// Fill the buffer with a color (probably green since it's little endian and the buffer is set to ABGR).
for index in 0 .. (size / 4) {
base.add(index).write(0x00ff0000);
}
}
// Make sure that all the written data makes it to the frame buffer as quickly as possible.
fence(Ordering::Release);
}
#[cfg(not(test))]
#[panic_handler]
fn panic(_: &PanicInfo) -> ! {
halt()
}
#[no_mangle]
pub extern "C" fn halt() -> ! {
unsafe {
asm!(
"0:",
"wfi",
"b 0b",
options (nomem, preserves_flags, noreturn, nostack)
);
}
}
You might have noticed that I'm mixing camel case with snake case, but that's actually a $1 in Rust.
I'm actually writing everything from scratch for this project, including the (so far) two standard C library functions that Rust depends on: `memcpy` and `memset`. In the end the idea is to create a voxel world like Minecraft's from bare metal, but it all depends on whether I can do everything I want with the Raspberry Pi which is very poorly documented.
As for the blog, I haven't even set up the web site for it yet. That's going to be the last thing I will do if I manage to complete this project..
Rethunker 1 points 1y ago
I wish you the best of efforts, as I don’t believe in luck per se.
Also, your code struck me as readable, and I was looking at it on a phone.
I have an app running on a Raspberry Pi 3B with a touch screen and a camera backup battery for power. I installed Qt along with Qt Creator on the Pi itself. That makes for a more portable piece of demo hardware than a laptop.
And at the time I found the documentation wanting. Kudos to you for hammering away at low-level coding.
Also, your code struck me as readable, and I was looking at it on a phone.
I have an app running on a Raspberry Pi 3B with a touch screen and a camera backup battery for power. I installed Qt along with Qt Creator on the Pi itself. That makes for a more portable piece of demo hardware than a laptop.
And at the time I found the documentation wanting. Kudos to you for hammering away at low-level coding.
[deleted] 2 points 1y ago
I think your outlook and attitude also effects things.
Find a hobby you like. Sometimes online is better because people can’t see you and can’t judge oh you’re totally blind let’s feel sorry. Also certain groups are more opened to you being totally blind even in person.
I help lead 2 or 3 subs that are non disabled and kinda known as the good one on a few others. Sited people online generally like me. It all depends who and what.
Pick a hobby and have fun. Maybe start your own business or do a job you can do.
Find supportive companies. Maybe even a assistive tech company where the people are blind too?
Find a hobby you like. Sometimes online is better because people can’t see you and can’t judge oh you’re totally blind let’s feel sorry. Also certain groups are more opened to you being totally blind even in person.
I help lead 2 or 3 subs that are non disabled and kinda known as the good one on a few others. Sited people online generally like me. It all depends who and what.
Pick a hobby and have fun. Maybe start your own business or do a job you can do.
Find supportive companies. Maybe even a assistive tech company where the people are blind too?
lightsrage85 1 points 1y ago
I play muds. some are better than others. get some with soundpacks that gag some of the text. audiogames.net is back up you can even play stardue valley with a screen reader now. I live on youtube watching youtube stuff. I live on my discord server. I live on social media. even being born blind i still have to adjust to my limitations because of my other medical issues and some things to do with blindness.
myblindcoach 1 points 1y ago
If this is the way you are feeling I would love to have more involved conversation. My suggestion is to pay attention to the conversation of Neuroplasticity - that is the hope. Are brains have the ability to change. Look at blind individuals who can mountain bike and have no light perception.https://www.reddit.com/r/nextfuckinglevel/comments/takzzh/the\_blind\_mountain\_biker\_who\_can\_see\_using\_sound/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
kandiluvsmeka 1 points 1y ago
Hello,
I wish I knew you! I would certainly help. I want to give you a big hug! Your position resonates with me because I have a person that may be interested in me and me in her, that is blind. My friend, just like you, had sight but lost it when a physician treating her for headaches, gave a medication that made her brain swell and caused her blindness.
She is going through a lot. Although she doesn't say it, at least to me, I think she feels the same way you do. As we speak, she's at a facility in Las Vegas dealing with depression.
Even though we aren't quite in a committed relationship yet, I often ask myself, how could I ever make her happy? I guess what I'm eluding to is: do you think being in love would help your situation?
It seems to me that I may bring her a glimmer of sunshine. She has commented that she loves me and that her family feels that since we met, her days are a bit brighter.
A'Drienne
I wish I knew you! I would certainly help. I want to give you a big hug! Your position resonates with me because I have a person that may be interested in me and me in her, that is blind. My friend, just like you, had sight but lost it when a physician treating her for headaches, gave a medication that made her brain swell and caused her blindness.
She is going through a lot. Although she doesn't say it, at least to me, I think she feels the same way you do. As we speak, she's at a facility in Las Vegas dealing with depression.
Even though we aren't quite in a committed relationship yet, I often ask myself, how could I ever make her happy? I guess what I'm eluding to is: do you think being in love would help your situation?
It seems to me that I may bring her a glimmer of sunshine. She has commented that she loves me and that her family feels that since we met, her days are a bit brighter.
A'Drienne
Fridux [OP] 1 points 1y ago
> Even though we aren't quite in a committed relationship yet, I often ask myself, how could I ever make her happy? I guess what I'm eluding to is: do you think being in love would help your situation?
No, it would make things worse for me, since I kind of feel subhuman, so I'd feel like a burden to someone else. To me everything in life is a trade, even relationships are a kind of trade, and I would feel that my partner would receive a lot less than she would be providing, which would not be fair for her. I already feel this way about my family: they tell me that everyone likes me and whatnot, but it doesn't make sense to exist if my only purpose in life is to serve as some kind of memento. In any case we're all different, so just because I feel this way doesn't necessarily mean that in your case the person whom you aspire to make your partner would too, but you should probably aim at trying to make her feel useful for what she's capable of doing and not just for who she is.
No, it would make things worse for me, since I kind of feel subhuman, so I'd feel like a burden to someone else. To me everything in life is a trade, even relationships are a kind of trade, and I would feel that my partner would receive a lot less than she would be providing, which would not be fair for her. I already feel this way about my family: they tell me that everyone likes me and whatnot, but it doesn't make sense to exist if my only purpose in life is to serve as some kind of memento. In any case we're all different, so just because I feel this way doesn't necessarily mean that in your case the person whom you aspire to make your partner would too, but you should probably aim at trying to make her feel useful for what she's capable of doing and not just for who she is.
smarthome_fan 1 points 1y ago
It sounds like you need to see a therapist and also learn tools and techniques needed to be independent. Blind people can lead very normal, well-adjusted lives, but since this has been a traumatic journey for you I think those two things will be needed to help.
DannyMTZ956 1 points 1y ago
Go train to develop independence. The Louisiana Center for the Blind could help you develop skills to overcome your challenges.
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Tretarooskie 1 points 1y ago
A woman I work with went blind at a young age, and she found a lot of purpose in advocacy and accessibility. She now does a podcast where she interviews other people with visual impairment. I am happy to share the link with you if you want, but since I worked on it it feels a bit like self promotion. I think you are exactly the audience she had in mind when she started this podcast, I don't know if it hits the mark or not.
We interviewed BlindWarriorSven a few weeks back, and if you like video games he's a great character to check out. He's fully blind and plays Street Fighter V at a very high level. He's got a twitch channel. https://www.twitch.tv/blindwarriorsven
Personally, fighting games aren't my thing, but I think he's very fun to watch anyway.
We interviewed BlindWarriorSven a few weeks back, and if you like video games he's a great character to check out. He's fully blind and plays Street Fighter V at a very high level. He's got a twitch channel. https://www.twitch.tv/blindwarriorsven
Personally, fighting games aren't my thing, but I think he's very fun to watch anyway.
pisces0387 1 points 1y ago
I played street fighter when I was very very very very young..... Does this blind gaming dood have a youtube channel? I'd like to see how he does it, plus I imagine he provides some very colourful commentary as he thoes.... :)
Tretarooskie 2 points 1y ago
https://www.twitch.tv/blindwarriorsven
pisces0387 1 points 1y ago
That's impressive. Makes me want a game consol. Is streetfighter on iphone,, I wonder....
Revenant624 1 points 1y ago
I have a bunch of thoughts. I was kind of like you many, many years ago and I believe the main factor that help me get a different mindset was acceptance of my situation. It seems that you have not accepted it and doing so may help you in the long run. What also helped me was getting a Seeing Eye dog. Getting him changed my life for the better. He allowed me to be a lot more independent and do more things by myself such as commuting, etc. they can be a lot of work and expensive with food and veterinary bills, but if you can afford it it’s definitely worth it. Then you have the bond you make with the dog. Then the added bonus is the dog is a magnet for the opposite sex. As far as gaming goes it’s not the same, but there are some pretty decent games you can play on your phone. It’s just a different kind of game. Check out Appleviz and you can find a bunch of games that work with voiceover. Some are free some are not, but it’s something to think about. Now as far as work, if you Live in the United States contact your local state commission of the blind. Ask about their business enterprise program which Hass to deal with the Randolph Sheppard act. The program that gets you set up in your own small business in federal buildings such as snack stands, vending, cafeteria‘s, etc. some businesses can be very lucrative and even those that are not you can still make a decent living. It will get you out of your house and it won’t even effect your disability benefits. There are a few more hoops to jump through to achieve some of the things I have mentioned, but they are worth the effort. My opinion the first step is to accept your blindness and move forward. It may not be easy, but I was kind of like you and I’ve achieved all those things I’ve mentioned. I wish you luck
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