It is difficult. I never really figured out the answer. Back in 1998 I started a mailing list called blind-singles to discuss just such topics. Oddly enough a sighted person joined the list and we began writing off list, then phone calls, and in fall of 1999 I flew to Las Vegas to meet her in person as that is where her folks lived. We were married in summer of 2000 and lived in Vegas until she died in December of 2010. I know that really doesn't answer your question, but you never know what can happen.

My husband and I met about 4.5 years ago and just married last month. As a fully sighted person that had no interactions with visually impaired people prior to meeting my husband, I was extremely hesitant about what it would mean to date a blind man. That thought went through my head and just as quickly left once I got to know him. He is independent and confident in himself. Is he fully independent? Of course not. Is he fully confident in himself all the time? Of course not. But I’m neither of those things either. My husband is never embarrassed to ask me for help, just like I’m not embarrassed to ask for his help. He supports my needs just as much as I support his.

All of this is to say, what made me fall in love with my husband in the first place was that he never presented himself as anything less than the incredible man that he is. Of course there are people out there that have this expectation for the men they date to always be the alpha male, but there are also people out there that just want to date someone that has a great personality and a kind heart. Have faith that there are people out there that will see you for your mind and your heart.

I am wishing you the best of luck! Try to go into dating thinking of all the incredible qualities you have to offer and not what you think you may be lacking.

This is the type of question that brought me to r/Blind.

We don't really encounter situations where we don't know what to do because we've seen Hollywood do it all.

Did your boss steal your idea and take credit for your work? We've seen it on tv.

Did you wreck your best friend's car? Saw it in a movie.

Did your best friend come out of the closet? Did you spill a drink on the girl you have a crush on? Did your mother die? We've seen all that on tv or in movies. We know what we're expected to say, we know how we're supposed to act, we know what we should feel.

We haven't seen Hollywood go blind so we don't know how we're supposed to act or what we're supposed to feel.

Doctors are supposed to be smart, accountants are supposed to be boring, Canadians are supposed to be polite, but what are blind people supposed to be like? There isn't an expectation for us.

We're on our own.

I came to r/Blind to learn how to be blind because I never learned it from Hollywood.

On the one hand it's lonely. On the other hand, it's liberating. We chart our own course. There aren't expectations for us to conform to - we make it up as we go. We decide who we want to be.

I think that's more true for people who are blind than for people who can see. We all think we have free will, but isn't it amazing that everybody in Rome is Catholic and everybody in Mecca is Muslim? Isn't it a coincidence how people in ancient Greece all wore togas and people in ancient China all wore robes?

We think we have free will, and to some extent we do, but our free will is constrained by society's expectations of us.

But society doesn't have any expectations of blind people. Nobody knows what to expect so we're free to *really* be ourselves.

Embrace your authenticity.

I struggled with this a lot. There’s no one size fits all answer. Best advice I can give Is to just be interesting. And the best way to be interesting is to be interested in things and passionate about them. You don’t need 26 unusual and odd hobbies to stand out. Don’t let the blind label rule your sense of identity and self. It’s just one character trait among many others. Feel like people want to put themselves in boxes all too often, and I find this Is especially true in the blind community where blindness is the core part of many people’z identities.

Other piece of advice I’d give Is to stay far far away from the alpha male, manosphere, red pill content. It’s a rabbit hole that may lead to short term success but Is based on a lot of harmful stereotypes about women and toxic masculinity, and won’t lead to long term results like you’re hoping for.

I ran into the same issue when first dating. The thing is a lot of your expectations are just disguised misogyny. Just be yourself. Be confident and know your limitations and manage their expectations on your capabilities. You don't have to seem completely dependent but they do have to understand. Hey, there's certain things you can't do but there's also going to be other things that you're going to be extremely good at and they will find that exciting and intriguing. Best of luck my friend. Also, I married a strong-willed feminist with control issues and it all works out just fine. We're about to celebrate our 9-year anniversary

Not being able to drive *is* an obstacle. I have the double whammy of being blind and epileptic: I've never driven.

That point usually comes up early. I'll usually respond with some humor about it. "I bumped into the door frame on the way in here. Would you*want* me on the road?"

For some people, "can't drive" is an instant deal breaker. But for most, it's really about independence.

I've been fully independent since I started my career. I have a full time job. I lived alone. I could get my own groceries and prescriptions. I'm just lucky enough to live in a world with delivery groceries and ride share apps.

Once it was clear that I could live independently, the inability to drive became far less of a red flag for most people.

That's what most people care about more when it comes to dating a disabled person: will they be a partner or will they just be a caregiver?

It sounds abelist to put it that bluntly, but it's true. And understandably so. A relationship is supposed to be a *partnership*. No one wants to get into a relationship where they have to be someone else's parent. It's not fair to ask that of anyone.

 

I am in a very happy long term relationship. She did have some reservations about my inability to drive at first, but we knew each other long enough before we started dating that she knew I was perfectly capable of managing my own life, and therefore capable of sharing my life with another person equitably.

She does most of the driving, but that's okay. I contribute to the household just as much, even if I take on different responsibilities. I can still order delivery groceries if she can't make it to the market. I can still get myself to my appointments. She always offers, and I'm very grateful for that. But she knows that when she *can't* it isn't going to cause any issues.

I ignore what I can’t and do what I can. Funky answer I know but there’s other things I can do . Like be a gentleman. Pick up the tab. Be supportive.

Think of this less as gender expectations of others, and more as gender assumptions of yourself. The toxic contingent of this world who think or say "That's not very manly" or "That's not very lady-like" are the absolute worst to be around. Why the hell do strangers have such a seat at the table on how you present as a man? The only person who should have a seat at that table is you.

To me, gender expression is like shopping for an outfit. Brows as much as you want. Try things on. Buy, and only buy, what fits and works for you. Leave the rest. It only serves other people, not you. Come back and shop again if you need to, the doors are always open. It requires a ton of honesty, and a daily flow of future work, but my god is it worth it. Just like so many other things in life, it gets easier with every day that you keep working at it.

Your goal should never be perfection. Perfection is either temporary or a dangerous delusion. Your goal, in my opinion, should be to be able to proclaim, with confidence, "This is who I am. I am a work-in-progress. I know more or less who I want to be, and that I will get there somehow. Most importantly, I love who I am." Strive to live that energy every day that you can, and your people will flock with time.

Do you want to date strangers or people you know? My advice is to make friends, both male and female. Be socialy active in the community, and figure out how to take yourself to public places to meet people. Once you have friends around you, determine if you would like to date someone and ask them to go on a date with you. This could be a friendly date even, hey lets go to Starbux would be a good start.

[deleted]

It's a very cliche comment but I'll make it anyways. I think the solution is to accept that we are the way we are, and love ourselves regardless of that. You said yourself, that some of these expectations simply cannot be met, like driving. Spending mental energy focusing on what you are not will never be productive.

It isn't a question of overcoming expectations, its a question of accepting yourself for where you are at in life, and accepting that you can't meet the expectations, but that its okay. Remember that if someone expects this of you, the expectations are not your own, so don't worry too much if they cannot be met. Hold yourself accountable for your own expectations and live by your values, not those of other people. And of course, make sure the expectations you have of yourself are reasonable ones too, and be kind to yourself! You cannot change other people's expectations or perceptions of you, nor can you change yourself to meet their expectations if they are unreasonable.

As a side note, I think you might also benefit by challenging yourself on whether these expectations are really a problem for you in the first place. I'm sure some people have expectations like this of course. I do not doubt that it happens. But you might also be surprised to realize how many people are completely unbothered by these things. You may be over-exaggerating the prevalence or importance of this in your mind. Ask yourself if the other person you are interested in has actually expressed this as a reason to reject you. If not, it could be the case that you are completely misdiagnosing the problem you are having, or that these are secretly expectations you place on yourself that are not shared by the other person.

At the end of the day, relationships are about both people accepting each other for who they are, the good, the bad, and the ugly. So if someone can't accept you for who you are, it would not have been a healthy relationship anyways and you are better off without them. Don't let these people pull you down.

I'm married (second time). Luckily my wife is super organized. That sure helps me be independent in our home, which I designed and we built. She is the decorator, I'm not gifted in that way.

That's something that I've always struggled with in my life even before going totally blind. Living a fully independent life, earning an over average income, and having hobbies that I'm passionate about wasn't enough, so after going blind I gave up completely. The only reason I'm not a virgin at 40 is because prostitution is legal here in Portugal.