Starbucks Baristas: The daily grind
↑
11
↓
being misgendered at work π (self.starbucksbaristas)
submitted by ranbara
quite some time ago, pre-pandemic, my manager brought in pronoun pins for us all to wear (not the sbux official ones). i imagine she bought them off of etsy or something, not really sure what spurred her to do it but as an lgbt+ person, and someone who thinks stating pronouns should be normalized, i really appreciated the gesture. at the time, we also had a trans partner who often got misgendered by other partners and customers so I think she wanted to make him more comfortable.
my store is pretty progressive with a decent amount of lgbt partners at the time, and i had previously felt safe enough to come out to them as a lesbian before anyone else, so i figured that my store would also be the first place i would come out about being nonbinary and about my pronouns (they/them). after mustering up enough courage i finally started wearing my pin. other baristas also wore pins, albeit none of them are trans or nonbinary, more as an act of solidarity.
so, for weeks, i wore my pronoun pin. i also wear lots of other pins, including the nonbinary pride flag, lesbian pride flag, ffs an enamel pin of two girls kissing, like it's very apparent i am queer. and yet, everyone still misgendered meππ. my shifts would stand right in front of me, pronoun pin within their sight, and call me she/her. either they didn't see the pin, or they did see it and opted to ignore it. the former is VERY unlikely because my partners make a lot of comments about the pins i wear since i wear so many and have a lot of cute ones (neko atsume, pokemon, etc)
the straw that broke the camel's back for me was one day i noticed my manager eyeing my pins while i had the pronoun pin on. she came up to me, quite loudly, and said "i didn't know you go by they/them!" nervously, i said "nobody does!" to which she replied, "well, that's not our fault!" .. ?π₯π₯ i wasn't implying that, considering i hadn't directly gone up to everyone in the store and said "Hi i go by they/them pronouns!!!!" but i also did wear the pin for weeks on end while other baristas wore theirsπ
even after this had happened, solidifying the fact that at the very least my store manager had seen my pin and knew which pronouns i used, everyone continued to misgender me. i wore the pin for months, up until the beginning of 2021. at this point, i feel defeated. i hate the feeling of being misgendered, but i hate the thought of having to tell everyone they've been misgendering me this whole time more. no wonder our only trans partner left!!! some of our baristas aren't incredibly knowledgeable and have said some ignorant things in the past. so i feel like, why should i bother making an effort when they can't even make an effort to read a fucking pin on my apron? πππ
what do i even do? i'm incredibly outnumbered here. wearing it again will do nothing, as history has proven. and i dont feel as if i should have to go tell everyone my correct pronouns if i've already made the effort of wearing the pin? being called ma'am at work everyday is already painful enough as it is, i dont even go by my preferred name at work ππ i've been at my store for 2 years; im a 261. there's a lot of reasons why i've thought about finding a new job, but this in particular is causing me so much mental duress. i don't want to talk to my SM if im just gonna be gaslit or ignored again
my store is pretty progressive with a decent amount of lgbt partners at the time, and i had previously felt safe enough to come out to them as a lesbian before anyone else, so i figured that my store would also be the first place i would come out about being nonbinary and about my pronouns (they/them). after mustering up enough courage i finally started wearing my pin. other baristas also wore pins, albeit none of them are trans or nonbinary, more as an act of solidarity.
so, for weeks, i wore my pronoun pin. i also wear lots of other pins, including the nonbinary pride flag, lesbian pride flag, ffs an enamel pin of two girls kissing, like it's very apparent i am queer. and yet, everyone still misgendered meππ. my shifts would stand right in front of me, pronoun pin within their sight, and call me she/her. either they didn't see the pin, or they did see it and opted to ignore it. the former is VERY unlikely because my partners make a lot of comments about the pins i wear since i wear so many and have a lot of cute ones (neko atsume, pokemon, etc)
the straw that broke the camel's back for me was one day i noticed my manager eyeing my pins while i had the pronoun pin on. she came up to me, quite loudly, and said "i didn't know you go by they/them!" nervously, i said "nobody does!" to which she replied, "well, that's not our fault!" .. ?π₯π₯ i wasn't implying that, considering i hadn't directly gone up to everyone in the store and said "Hi i go by they/them pronouns!!!!" but i also did wear the pin for weeks on end while other baristas wore theirsπ
even after this had happened, solidifying the fact that at the very least my store manager had seen my pin and knew which pronouns i used, everyone continued to misgender me. i wore the pin for months, up until the beginning of 2021. at this point, i feel defeated. i hate the feeling of being misgendered, but i hate the thought of having to tell everyone they've been misgendering me this whole time more. no wonder our only trans partner left!!! some of our baristas aren't incredibly knowledgeable and have said some ignorant things in the past. so i feel like, why should i bother making an effort when they can't even make an effort to read a fucking pin on my apron? πππ
what do i even do? i'm incredibly outnumbered here. wearing it again will do nothing, as history has proven. and i dont feel as if i should have to go tell everyone my correct pronouns if i've already made the effort of wearing the pin? being called ma'am at work everyday is already painful enough as it is, i dont even go by my preferred name at work ππ i've been at my store for 2 years; im a 261. there's a lot of reasons why i've thought about finding a new job, but this in particular is causing me so much mental duress. i don't want to talk to my SM if im just gonna be gaslit or ignored again
XxTRUEPINOYxX 7 points 2y ago
Have you tried telling your partners your correct pronouns? Sometimes wearing pins wonβt help as they are small and we are working in a environment where itβs fast and we always look at the person face and not the chest area where (name tags, pins, etc) will be located. I had a old partner when I was first hired at my old store didnβt even tell me their preferred pronouns. But I read their note (it was a old note but it helped me!) and called them by what they requested. At times I may have misgendered them but itβs when Im talking about them to another lead on quick connect when they come on the floor. It also helps to correct us at times, as it is something we do have to adapt on and teach ourselves to do.
ditwag 6 points 2y ago
direct response: unfortunately there's really not much you can do if your coworkers are uncooperative. you may just have to bite the bullet and state to them directly that your pronouns are they/them. it's inevitable that they may still misgender you, but there's really nothing you can do about it. but remember that it is not your fault.
now, as a nonbinary partner who also uses they/them pronouns and is constantly misgendered, i feel for you. in my opinion, wearing the pin should be enough and coming out to every individual should not be something we should do. it is on *them* for assuming your pronouns without even asking you what they are. especially when you have a store that gave out pronoun pins. from that it's obvious to me that your fellow partners should be cognizant of others' pronouns. if they aren't then their allyship is purely performative.
from my personal experience, i have not stated my gender or pronouns to all of my coworkers. maybe it's because i've identified as nonbinary for the past 8 years (i'm 21 this year) and have gained the experiences to be able to detach myself from the idea of coming out (which i know is extremely hard for many lgbt ppl who have just started figuring themselves out). i don't wear a pronoun pin either (my sm only lets us wear sbux approved ones). that's not a problem to me. if they don't know then i won't fault them for unknowingly misgendering me.
however, to the few i have stated them to, they still misgender me. my fellow nonbinary partner misgenders me. but i have also heard many of my cis coworkers ask others what their pronouns were. never asked me, though. these people are very much capable of asking for your pronouns instead of assuming. they are capable of looking at the pins on your apron and seeing the pronoun pin that's just like the one they have.
cis people have the luxury of not needing to announce their gender and pronouns every time they walk into a room. we don't have that. but we also don't have to do that. it will never be our fault that we live in a cisheteronormative society.
this was basically just a long winded way of saying it's not your fault you get misgendered. people, cis or trans, are brought up in a cisheteronormative world. if people don't want to do the bare minimum and respect your existence when they are perfectly capable of doing so, then that's on them. they know we exist, many just choose to ignore us.
but back to my direct response. if it is causing you distress and you need to keep this job, please bite the bullet and tell your coworkers directly. unfortunately sometimes we have to take extra steps to live halfway comfortably. if it continues, then i suggest leaving or transferring for the better of your mental health.
i'm sorry i couldn't offer more help, since i cannot speak for your experiences fully. but i hope you get at least some piece of mind from my own experiences and thoughts as a nonbinary person. and i mostly wanted to validate your feelings since it was mostly (i assume) cis people commenting, haha. also sorry this was super long, i'm not on reddit much so idk all the norms for posting π
now, as a nonbinary partner who also uses they/them pronouns and is constantly misgendered, i feel for you. in my opinion, wearing the pin should be enough and coming out to every individual should not be something we should do. it is on *them* for assuming your pronouns without even asking you what they are. especially when you have a store that gave out pronoun pins. from that it's obvious to me that your fellow partners should be cognizant of others' pronouns. if they aren't then their allyship is purely performative.
from my personal experience, i have not stated my gender or pronouns to all of my coworkers. maybe it's because i've identified as nonbinary for the past 8 years (i'm 21 this year) and have gained the experiences to be able to detach myself from the idea of coming out (which i know is extremely hard for many lgbt ppl who have just started figuring themselves out). i don't wear a pronoun pin either (my sm only lets us wear sbux approved ones). that's not a problem to me. if they don't know then i won't fault them for unknowingly misgendering me.
however, to the few i have stated them to, they still misgender me. my fellow nonbinary partner misgenders me. but i have also heard many of my cis coworkers ask others what their pronouns were. never asked me, though. these people are very much capable of asking for your pronouns instead of assuming. they are capable of looking at the pins on your apron and seeing the pronoun pin that's just like the one they have.
cis people have the luxury of not needing to announce their gender and pronouns every time they walk into a room. we don't have that. but we also don't have to do that. it will never be our fault that we live in a cisheteronormative society.
this was basically just a long winded way of saying it's not your fault you get misgendered. people, cis or trans, are brought up in a cisheteronormative world. if people don't want to do the bare minimum and respect your existence when they are perfectly capable of doing so, then that's on them. they know we exist, many just choose to ignore us.
but back to my direct response. if it is causing you distress and you need to keep this job, please bite the bullet and tell your coworkers directly. unfortunately sometimes we have to take extra steps to live halfway comfortably. if it continues, then i suggest leaving or transferring for the better of your mental health.
i'm sorry i couldn't offer more help, since i cannot speak for your experiences fully. but i hope you get at least some piece of mind from my own experiences and thoughts as a nonbinary person. and i mostly wanted to validate your feelings since it was mostly (i assume) cis people commenting, haha. also sorry this was super long, i'm not on reddit much so idk all the norms for posting π
ditwag 2 points 2y ago
damn i didnt mean to write a whole essay π
ranbara [OP] 1 points 2y ago
Really, honestly, thank you for taking the time to write this whole response. You didn't have to by any means but it really means a lot to me, especially from another nonbinary person π (seemingly the only other one on this thread so far)
I have no clue how much longer I will be working at my store, but for the time being I am incredibly stuck here. There are a lot of things that make me unhappy in my job, but none of the issues are personal besides this one. And I don't think any of my coworkers, or many people in general can understand it. I came out as a lesbian quite a while ago and my coworkers still talk to me as if I like men and I consistently remind them that I'm gay. That doesn't bother me nearly as much but my gender, or lack thereof (to me), is something so personal and integral to who I am that it isn't so easy as "hi all my cis coworkers, I am nonbinary by the way, I am sure none of you understand what I mean by that, but I expect you all to call me me [preferred name] and use they/them pronouns from now on π" you know?
The misgendering when they probably don't know or can conceivably have an excuse for misgendering me hurts, but if I tell them my pronouns and they still do it will probably hurt a lot more. And that's only one aspect of it. We work in customer service, and I cannot feasibly expect customers to know my pronouns, and it's not like I would either. Hearing customers call me ma'am is literally like sandpaper to my brain and I think sir/ma'am should be dropped from ppls vernacular, but I can't fault them. However it still fucking sucks and I can't stand it.
I wish I didn't have to come out π the stupid grandiose concept of telling everyone I am who I am makes me mad, why do I have to reintroduce myself and be looked at differently bc I'm not cis and then deal w all that?π₯² I wish I could just be nonbinary in peace!!!! But all of this said, you are right in that I'll probably have to just make it known to everyone myself, somehow. And soon, hopefully. My SM is kind of impossible to talk to; she's passive aggressive and cold and the last time I spoke to her about one of our partners saying some transphobic ass shit she gave me the whole "we're all entitled to our own opinions" spiel even though what the partner said was literal hate speechπ I might just tell all my partners or go over her head.
Regardless, thank u again for everything u said. It really was nice to hear and helped me a lotβ€οΈ
I have no clue how much longer I will be working at my store, but for the time being I am incredibly stuck here. There are a lot of things that make me unhappy in my job, but none of the issues are personal besides this one. And I don't think any of my coworkers, or many people in general can understand it. I came out as a lesbian quite a while ago and my coworkers still talk to me as if I like men and I consistently remind them that I'm gay. That doesn't bother me nearly as much but my gender, or lack thereof (to me), is something so personal and integral to who I am that it isn't so easy as "hi all my cis coworkers, I am nonbinary by the way, I am sure none of you understand what I mean by that, but I expect you all to call me me [preferred name] and use they/them pronouns from now on π" you know?
The misgendering when they probably don't know or can conceivably have an excuse for misgendering me hurts, but if I tell them my pronouns and they still do it will probably hurt a lot more. And that's only one aspect of it. We work in customer service, and I cannot feasibly expect customers to know my pronouns, and it's not like I would either. Hearing customers call me ma'am is literally like sandpaper to my brain and I think sir/ma'am should be dropped from ppls vernacular, but I can't fault them. However it still fucking sucks and I can't stand it.
I wish I didn't have to come out π the stupid grandiose concept of telling everyone I am who I am makes me mad, why do I have to reintroduce myself and be looked at differently bc I'm not cis and then deal w all that?π₯² I wish I could just be nonbinary in peace!!!! But all of this said, you are right in that I'll probably have to just make it known to everyone myself, somehow. And soon, hopefully. My SM is kind of impossible to talk to; she's passive aggressive and cold and the last time I spoke to her about one of our partners saying some transphobic ass shit she gave me the whole "we're all entitled to our own opinions" spiel even though what the partner said was literal hate speechπ I might just tell all my partners or go over her head.
Regardless, thank u again for everything u said. It really was nice to hear and helped me a lotβ€οΈ
roustaboutsrevenge 3 points 2y ago
Do you just not have conversations with any of your partners? How do they not even know your preferred name?? It sounds like your identity is a huge, influential part of your life to the point of causing your actual distress when its not acknowledged by other people.. Maybe start building relationships with your fellow workers and go from there.
ranbara [OP] 0 points 2y ago
Telling someone you want to use a different name is a giant step, it isn't as simple as you seem to think it is. My coworkers also aren't my best friends I tell everything to, I have actual best friends for that. They deadnamed our trans partner constantly when he never even told anyone his deadname AND was hired as his preferred name. His deadname was on paperwork everywhere for everyone to see. Maybe you can understand why I'm hesitant to tell people my preferred name?
roustaboutsrevenge 0 points 2y ago
Are you this condescending irl?
ranbara [OP] 0 points 2y ago
Are u this dense irl? Lmfao
roustaboutsrevenge 1 points 2y ago
I started transitioning in 2013 and started working for sbux the first time in 2014, then detransitioned in 2020. I never said it's easy. You have to have actual conversations with people if you want to understand them and be understood by them. It's not about "making best friends" with your coworkers, it's about accepting you're part of a real physical community in your offline life and it might require a modicum of effort. Your coworkers aren't your enemies and unless they're actually all really transphobic it's more likely they just don't get it, feel awkward because you don't present how the imagine a they/them would, have known you since you identified as she/her and don't want to make assumptions, etc, etc.
ranbara [OP] 3 points 2y ago
i wrote this really fast sorry if it is incoherent ππ
GodzillasLeftFoot 2 points 2y ago
Hate to tell everyone in this thread suggesting direct action: I introduced myself with they/them pronouns at my store at the time of my hire, individually, and my coworkers still only use them half the time. Iβve been here 4 months. π
addygill 1 points 2y ago
Actually telling people verbally seems to be the only way to fix this; I would never stare closely enough at someone's pins to see their pronoun pin during a shift, especially if you have other cute ones to quickly catch the eye in passing.
And even after you tell them people will still probably sometimes misgender you without thinking. Many people don't have much experience w trans or NB people regularly and when you're focusing on work its so easy to use the pronoun they've been using for 2 years without even realizing it. When they do this simply calling their attention to it will help them get used to your new pronoun.
I know it may be uncomfortable discussing this with people, but you shouldn't really be upset with your coworkers for using a pronoun if you haven't told them that is not your pronoun.
And even after you tell them people will still probably sometimes misgender you without thinking. Many people don't have much experience w trans or NB people regularly and when you're focusing on work its so easy to use the pronoun they've been using for 2 years without even realizing it. When they do this simply calling their attention to it will help them get used to your new pronoun.
I know it may be uncomfortable discussing this with people, but you shouldn't really be upset with your coworkers for using a pronoun if you haven't told them that is not your pronoun.
ranbara [OP] 0 points 2y ago
The entire point of a pronoun pin is to read it and use said pronouns, my SM knows this and so did my other partners who wore and used them. It also isn't my responsibility to tell everyone my pronouns, pronouns shouldn't be assumed to begin with, but especially when I have worn a pin that explicitly states what pronouns I use on them? It's not a good look and I do have a right to be upset. Misgendering people without thinking isn't an excuse either. Not having experience with trans or nonbinary people isn't either. All of the responsibility should not be put on me when I've already made steps to coming out.
[deleted] -1 points 2y ago
[removed]
This nonprofit website is run by volunteers.
Please contribute if you can. Thank you!
Our mission is to provide everyone with access to large-
scale community websites for the good of humanity.
Without ads, without tracking, without greed.
scale community websites for the good of humanity.
Without ads, without tracking, without greed.
Β©2023 HumbleCat Inc β’ HumbleCat is a 501(c)3 nonprofit based in Michigan, USA.