Starbucks Baristas: The daily grind
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I ended up crying the last like half hour of my last shift and I’m fucking humiliated. I’m dreading having to go back into work tomorrow morning. (self.starbucksbaristas)
submitted by ThatOneTransGirl
So just to throw it out there, I’m transgender mtf and my coworkers have been absolutely incredible about using my proper name and pronouns, especially since I still don’t exactly pass very well. Most in store customers are good about it as well. The nice ones tend to use my name and we usually have a lovely little chat and the indifferent ones just ramble off their coffee order and pay without conversation (honestly love these customers the most lol). The issue is that when I work drive-thru, I’m bombarded by “yes, sir,” “thanks man!” and the like, NONSTOP. I understand they aren’t being rude. My voice is unmistakably masculine and they are just going off what they hear. They can’t see me and put two and two together like the walk in customers. I used to not mind so much, but it’s just really starting to wear me down so bad. Yesterday, I went an entire six hours avoiding drive-thru but the last two hours we had a shift lead change and the new one put me on drive thru (against my wishes, she knows I despise drive thru but not why) and after the first five customers “yes sird” me I absolutely lost it. It was already a pretty shot day since it was Mother’s Day, but this just kind of sent me over the edge and I ended up silently crying trying my best to disguise it. But my voice started quivering and I couldn’t hide my red, watery eyes. I’m just absolutely fucking humiliated. I want to talk to my shifts about keeping me off drive thru but I don’t want everyone to think I’m being a little bitch, and honestly there are times where I’m the only person on the floor capable of soloing drive thru and I know my selfishness would make thing more difficult than they need to be. I’m just tired of leaving every shift feeling like shit all the time because other than working drive, I absolutely love the job.
oftbkk 20 points 1y ago
maybe try to do a “hi thank you for choosing starbucks my name is ___ what can i get for you?” it should help a little and the pronoun pins are always a safe bet too. i’m so sorry you have to deal with this :(
Momisnotmyname 18 points 1y ago
Some great ideas on here already. If it comes down to your mental well being and your work, choose your mental well being. Call PCC and ask for an accommodation.
ihateyousoymatcha 13 points 1y ago
Your feelings and concerns are valid no matter what people say. If you genuinely aren't comfortable doing something or it's detrimental to your mental health, explain it to your team and good supervisors will be understanding.
If it's just DTO, it might be hard to keep you out of that position if they need someone to solo window, but they should be able to minimize your time in that position. Is DTR okay? It sounds like it's mostly happening when customers can't actually see who they're talking to. The face cam sucks so I won't say turn that on.
There are plenty of other positions in the store. As a Shift I started asking partners what one position they **don't** want to be in, instead of where they do. So if you don't mind any of the others, it's not unreasonable to ask if you can avoid DTO for specific reasons like this.
This isn't gender related, but I had some bad experiences as a kid and the sound of compressed air releasing sends me into a panic. Couldn't charge whip cannisters or change kegs for almost a year without anxiety, and the Shifts always worked around that to have someone else do them until I was relaxed enough to do it.
If it's just DTO, it might be hard to keep you out of that position if they need someone to solo window, but they should be able to minimize your time in that position. Is DTR okay? It sounds like it's mostly happening when customers can't actually see who they're talking to. The face cam sucks so I won't say turn that on.
There are plenty of other positions in the store. As a Shift I started asking partners what one position they **don't** want to be in, instead of where they do. So if you don't mind any of the others, it's not unreasonable to ask if you can avoid DTO for specific reasons like this.
This isn't gender related, but I had some bad experiences as a kid and the sound of compressed air releasing sends me into a panic. Couldn't charge whip cannisters or change kegs for almost a year without anxiety, and the Shifts always worked around that to have someone else do them until I was relaxed enough to do it.
RavenMcG 12 points 1y ago
I am so sorry you have to get the sir and buddy thing. My voice is pretty fem and I hate the mam' . Sending love and light your way.
junetheeggth 7 points 1y ago
Fellow trans woman that also despises DT for the exact same reasons here, Somebody actually attempted to assault me through the window the on mother’s day and I’m still being put me on there lol. I’m really, really good at drive so they’re always putting me there and It makes me feel weak and like a burden to ask to not be out there so our situations are definitely similar. Stay strong, I know things will get better💜💜💜
sheep_heavenly 6 points 1y ago
Honestly fuck gendering strangers as the "polite" way to speak. Some people can't go two sentences without pointing out the assumed gender of someone and it's frankly ridiculous.
I'm fairly certain, but please check with PCC, that you could 100% have a valid accommodation to not be on DTO. Your mental health is not a "Break in Emergency" axe when the store needs to maximize it's labor output by having someone solo DTO and DTR. I used to do that, I had far less triggering interactions, and still would be emotionally exhausted by the end of the shift. You're doing too much work and then you're getting constantly misgendered the entire time. That's not healthy.
This SSV doesn't think you're a little bitch. I think you're incredibly brave for continuing to do DTO knowing you have bad experiences. Honestly, shame on that SSV. How can they feel good about how they lead the floor if a barista is visibly crying and audibly distressed but the SSV does nothing? They either didn't check in with the floor for 2 hours or they did and decided you being emotionally distraught was acceptable. Either way, absolutely unacceptable. It's not convenient when a barista flat out can't do a position but it's also not super convenient to place someone in a position that causes them emotional pain. Oh well, work out the floor without literally enabling a bad situation.
Sending warm thoughts your way. I hope you can get the support you need to have safe shifts.
I'm fairly certain, but please check with PCC, that you could 100% have a valid accommodation to not be on DTO. Your mental health is not a "Break in Emergency" axe when the store needs to maximize it's labor output by having someone solo DTO and DTR. I used to do that, I had far less triggering interactions, and still would be emotionally exhausted by the end of the shift. You're doing too much work and then you're getting constantly misgendered the entire time. That's not healthy.
This SSV doesn't think you're a little bitch. I think you're incredibly brave for continuing to do DTO knowing you have bad experiences. Honestly, shame on that SSV. How can they feel good about how they lead the floor if a barista is visibly crying and audibly distressed but the SSV does nothing? They either didn't check in with the floor for 2 hours or they did and decided you being emotionally distraught was acceptable. Either way, absolutely unacceptable. It's not convenient when a barista flat out can't do a position but it's also not super convenient to place someone in a position that causes them emotional pain. Oh well, work out the floor without literally enabling a bad situation.
Sending warm thoughts your way. I hope you can get the support you need to have safe shifts.
chipqueen2532 6 points 1y ago
I would try to get pronoun pins if you are able/don’t mind wearing them. you might not be able to start off the interaction avoiding any misgendering but the pins might help for when they get to the window. or if you have a “feminine” name you could always lead with “hi welcome to Starbucks my name is ____ what can I get started for you today?” it’s what a ftm friend of mine used to do at work when they stopped publicly being addressed as their dead name and he said it helped a lot. just an idea, I’m sorry you have to deal w that :/
sadthrow420 3 points 1y ago
In the summer online training it says that when on DTO to start with “hi my name is ___, my pronouns are _____, how are you doing or what can I get for you. etc etc etc.” for people that get misgendered. Someone at my store always gets the ma’am’s when I don’t but I sound much more feminine! I don’t get it, but letting them know up front should stop it. If they refuse to use your correct pronouns then i believe that’s considered harassment and you can report it. :) maybe even ask some cos coworkers to do it too to normalize it with your customers
if anybody comments on your voice you can spin it by saying you’ve got a hormone imbalance that makes your voice low pitch. It’s technically accurate and you won’t have to really out yourself to every curious customer
if anybody comments on your voice you can spin it by saying you’ve got a hormone imbalance that makes your voice low pitch. It’s technically accurate and you won’t have to really out yourself to every curious customer
octopus_crimes 3 points 1y ago
Others here gave good advice. Just wanted to say you’re not alone. I’m non-binary and constantly get ma’am-ed. I hate it. I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
Fluffybunnybadass 2 points 1y ago
genuine question/advice, but does your DT POS not have the webcam that you can turn on/off? if they see/recognize your face, it might help mitigate the misgendering. of course, the customers need to like. pay attention to the screen first, but if they see that it's just a girl with a deep voice or something, it might help?
if you've done that and it still doesn't help, then idk hon. hoping things improve for you sooner than later.
if you've done that and it still doesn't help, then idk hon. hoping things improve for you sooner than later.
lonely_bean294 2 points 1y ago
i’ve had very similar experiences! i’m ftm and have a very feminine voice still, and dto and dtr are the most frustrating experiences ever. i’m fortunate that we have a lot of new people during my daypart, so i’m never on anything except bar (luckily my ssv’s are also super understanding since i’ve spoken to them about it) but it is the most infuriating and invalidating thing ever. sometimes saying your name and/or pronouns upfront can be uncomfortable and it can feel like you’re putting yourself out there and you’re not sure if that interaction will be safe, especially if you live in a more conservative area like i do. you’re not being selfish at all for wanting a safe work environment where your mental health is considered as important. other people need to learn how to do dt by themselves, too. everyone needs to be capable of all positions, not just you, babe. prioritize yourself 💛
ZoeyB22 1 points 1y ago
I feel like this entire situation could be avoided by working on/changing your voice. Have you done that at all?
ThatOneTransGirl [OP] 2 points 1y ago
Ya and im not very good at voice training on my own. Im trying to get a vocal coach through my insurance but it’s been one phone call after another. Realistically, I won’t be able to sit down with a vocal coach for at least two months.
ZoeyB22 1 points 1y ago
I don't think you need a "vocal coach", I would work more on raising your larynx naturally every time you speak (check some youtube videos on raising your larynx properly) and exercises that allow you to produce a higher pitched sound. I would download a voice recording app and check where your pitch is, and see how high you can get it. I would try speaking more from your mouth/teeth/head area and less from your chest/lungs area. I would try to make your throat and mouth as small as possible while speaking since this helps as well.
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I see so many young pretty trans girls that stress and have issues caused by their voice, and it's almost like it's completely overlooked, but IRL your voice is the absolute #1 biggest part of being gendered male or female. Bigger than face or body for sure since cis women come in all shapes and sizes.
I went from having an andro at best voice about a year ago to being 100% cis passing and even cute sounding without any vocal coaches or money spent or anything. Just practice and time.
Also, the #1 biggest step by far is that once you find your female voice you stop using the male one permanently. Only after that will you really start to improve.
​
I see so many young pretty trans girls that stress and have issues caused by their voice, and it's almost like it's completely overlooked, but IRL your voice is the absolute #1 biggest part of being gendered male or female. Bigger than face or body for sure since cis women come in all shapes and sizes.
I went from having an andro at best voice about a year ago to being 100% cis passing and even cute sounding without any vocal coaches or money spent or anything. Just practice and time.
Also, the #1 biggest step by far is that once you find your female voice you stop using the male one permanently. Only after that will you really start to improve.
[deleted] -4 points 1y ago
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