I can’t share details because I don’t want to be recognized. But even so, I am sure every store has /that/ regular and hopefully I can find people that understand how I’m feeling right now. Also, it’s not entirely about the details. I feel so defeated because of how customer-oriented this company has been advertising itself. It’s led to a level of entitled-ness from certain people that cannot be combated or defended against. Recently, I had a horrible day with more than one regular getting upset with me and the realization that I have to just take it or lose my job has been hitting me hard for the past few days. All it takes is one complaint, one email, one phone call. And my name? Served on a silver platter, snuggled neatly on the top of my apron. It doesn’t really matter if they came with the aggressive attitude first or if I’m being asked to break rules or if I’m trying to defend against being cheated out of labor or if it’s just the situation and I genuinely cannot do anything about it.

It’s not like I came in not knowing how customer service employees are treated. I’ve been at it for a while. But I haven’t felt this horrible because of it in a long time. I hate hate hate the feeling that I’m getting steamrollered over. Maybe it’s my depression flaring up and this feeling just needs some time to pass. Maybe I just need less hours for a bit. It’s probably also my specific traumas and triggers. It sucks because I’ve made progress and become more skilled but no matter how good I am at the mechanics, maybe it simply just boils down to my core personality. Maybe there’s only so much I can take and I should give up now. But I don’t want to quit or transfer. I like my store and my coworkers. But I also want to respect myself and not go through life ignoring my feelings. How does anyone hold on for multiple years?

At first, my initial reaction was anger. But as I’ve learned by now, anger always transitions to sadness. That day left me feeling subhuman. My self esteem has dipped so low because I feel like a terrible person for not being able to carry myself with more patience and grace. Other people can do it, why can’t I? I wonder if I’ve just deluded myself into thinking I could fit into this space and the reality is that I’m just not capable enough and never will be. I don’t even find any relief in venting anymore because I end up feeling like a terrible person for complaining so much and that I shouldn’t even be upset to begin with. I’m not quite sure what I’m asking from this subreddit right now but I’m here. I guess I just need to get this off my chest. If you’ve read this far, thank you.