You had me in the first half not gonna lie

🤣 Okay, I have to do you proud, OP. You really set the bar!

Here's how you make friends with baristas!:

Go to the order screen in the drive thru instead of going into the cafe next time. Tell them you need a couple minutes. Place your mobile order while they wait on you. Say, "Hello?!" a few times, making sure to sound as impatient and desperate as possible. If they ask for a moment, disregard! Speak over them, tell them your name, and go to the window! Once you're there, ask if you can get a big cup of water, too. And an order of egg white bites, triple toasted. Forget you have to pay for your egg bites until prompted a couple times. Try to reload your app, but only if the only bank card you have on your person is for an account in the negatives. After your card is declined thrice, suddenly remember you have a $100 bill! Perfect time to use it, on your $8 coffee.

When they return to the window with your yums, suddenly remember you meant to order your drink iced, you silly bean, you. 😜 After you get your "fixed" drink, forget how to exit a drive thru line and just sit there. Whatever you do, don't tip!

If that doesn't make them love you, start paying for the orders behind you with your declined card. That oughta win 'em over.

you should've tried to make this more believable. it had potential

Yes we are trying to make u late 🤪

You think you have it bad? I walk in and stare someone down. Usually the people making the drinks. And they don’t make my drink. They keep insisting I “order” it. But I’m here every day. You’d think the baristas would learn!

my eye was starting to twitch

Ha you got me!!! 👀

Literally just read a post on this sub about customers asking questions here instead of r/Starbucks! Thought OMG that other post was right…… then I twigged that your post is taking the Mickey.

Baristas work faster if you tip more money. But don’t tip just a $1 or a $5. Give them a $20 every time! Next thing you know, you can walk in, and they’ll have it ready at the door. You can forget to order and they’ll still have it ready. You can call the store, and they’ll deliver it to you. You can order after a huge rush and you’ll be the first one to get their drink. One time, I had these baristas so finessed after tipping them $20, I saw a barista at a grocery store and he (or they?) made me my order with the product at the grocery store.

You had me on the first half ngl

No because I was gonna go Off until I finished reading

Lost me at "I mobile order about 30 seconds before walking in" but it had solid potential. 7.5/10

Lmaooo

Literally until the drink was mentioned I was almost sure it was one of our customers for real

Stfu lol. 🤣😂😆 I was literally gonna say get out. Haha

Okay, you actually had me for the first ten seconds. 😂

I was literally sharpening my pitchfork when I figured it out

Got slight ptsd flashbacks from this post for a sec ngl lol

sometimes we just need more oil! we starbucks baristas are actually robots and not human beings:) next time try throwing hot oil in your baristas face! hope this helps

I read the title and was happy my store is closing for a remodel so I don't have to deal with this.
I read the rest and enjoyed the satire, thank you, I'll miss my fellow partners

lol xD

the fact that some people actually act like this is what gets me

i was SO READY to throw hands

I’m normally way too fast at making drinks. Like the customer gets their drink soon as their done paying. But once I start to notice that line up isn’t ending you best believe I will slow the fuck down. People can fuck off the line/queue once they realize their stupid custom drink is not worth it. I also remind myself what my manager told me, this is not a fast food. Being excruciatingly slow once you notice the line isn’t stopping is the most beautiful feeling ever. Like fuck yall, I’m not gonna run myself ragged for minimum wage.

Sarcasm is the sour cream of wit.

I was already rolling my eyes and then I read 30 seconds before and I knew this was a joke and then I was much less stressed

oh my god when i was reading this i was like no way but then i was like lol this is a joke

I quit starbs last week but the subject line still evoked rage lol. This is literally some ppls logic it’s painful 😂

Oh! Easy - just tell them that you want a cup of drain cleaner. It’s on the secret menu! :P

I was livid in that first bit! lol, you got me

I was this close…lol

Ok you got me LOL

10 shot??? Omfg I wanna actually make this and see how gross it is

My anxiety went thru the roof until i got to the hot venti shaken espresso like sis don’t scare your partners like this 😭

just make their life’s easier and go to mcdonald’s or make your own coffee

Lol

I admit I mobile order 30 seconds ahead. But it’s for a good reason, I don’t like to “talk” my order. It’s like my mouth gets stage fright when I drive up to the screen. Tapping the items into my phone, alone, then I don’t feel rushed. I don’t mind the normal wait.

😂☠️

30 seconds before... alerted me.... then the drink... after saying it's not that hard to make.... lol

Ur joking right?

AHAHAHHA I saw the original post

This almost made me livid 😂

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ong my eyes were twitching for a second there i had to delete my paragraph😭

goodbye 😭😭😭

I know it may not be my place to say but that drunk sounds really unhealthy! I suggest getting it made with nonfat milk to cancel out the calories

i was about to go off lmfaoo

LMAOOO

I was getting just riled there for a bit. Ya got me.

Most of the bad reviews my store gets are regarding our prices and that we charge for bags… mind you? In my state, every grocery store, deli and retail store has a bag charge

Hahahahah 😂😂😂

not the venta 💀💀💀

i was SO ready 😂😂😂 when i got the notification

the idea of that drink makes me wanna puke oh my god

I was actually livid in the first half and about to write a "concerned" comment back but then I feel for it.... good one 😂

Ngl you almost had me for a sec

Reported. Please don’t post violent threats 😭.

yall out here reporting this - this isn't a customer post as far as I can tell lmao i believe the kids call this "satire"

Shit post my some dumbass

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Any mobile order you place in, you have to at least give us 10-15 minutes beforehand. If you yell at me for telling you that and wanna speak to my SM, she would give you the same answer, she’s always wiling to let those ppl who just place it in and show up at the store 5 seconds later like that, especially those who drive past the order box and stop at the hand out window saying that they have mobile order 😂😂 Tbh when I see “I mobile order about 30 seconds before walking in”, you lost me from there already 😂

Oh lord & reason slow is because of this & having to stop making drinks to answer questions! Is it me or has Covid made more people rude than before! App needs to say 30 mins not 10 mins

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I'm sorry but f**k you.